VS.
*Spoiler Warning* Seriously, don't read this if you haven't seen either of these two movies, the best part of "Frozen" is the ending.
Hello loyal readers, and welcome to a special edition of Dustin's Dirty Dozen. Yes, there is no list here, instead it is a battle between the most recent amazing Disney movie (Frozen) and their last amazing movie (Tangled). This is also my way of giving the finger to the holidays, I don't like Christmas and didn't want to do a Christmas list (this year). I guess you are wondering why "Wreck-It Ralph" isn't taking the spot of "Tangled," since it was more recent. Truth is "Tangled" was just a better movie over all, and I don't think "Wreck-It Ralph" could take "Frozen" in the ring. Tangled is going to have a hard enough time doing that on its own, but I promise a fair match between the two. It would probably be more fair if I had another writer on here, but my resources are limited. We will be judging the two movies in many different categories, it will not be a straight up "which movie is better" (basically, I'm going to pick these two films apart). Let's get it on!
Anna and Elsa
Doesn't seem quite fair to have a two on one match does it? The fact of the matter is that "Frozen" doubles up on a lot of things and that can't be helped. So, here we have two Disney princesses, one normal red head and one powerful frost mage. They both bring something pretty amazing to the table in terms of character. On the one hand you have Anna, who is a very stereotypical Disney princess. Got locked in her castle, cut off from the world. Believes in love at first site, since she falls for the first guy she sees. Sings. What could she possibly have to bring to the table that we have not seen before? Turns out she is really a prince in disguise, when she goes on a journey to find her sister and bring her back down from a mountain. Braving the elements and dangers that it entails. Sure, she asks the first guy she meets to be her guide, but the initial intention remains the same. She is a clumsy, less talented version of Merida. (the main character in "Brave")
Her sister, Elsa, on the other hand is the polar opposite in almost every conceivable fashion. She embraces her confinement, since she is the cause and doesn't want to hurt anyone with her power. She is more grounded and thinks that you need to know someone for more than a couple of hours in order to love them. She also has friggin' ice powers, which is pretty awesome. She is different than any other princess for these reasons. There is also that moment where you aren't sure if she is going to be the next big Disney villain, when she freaks out and goes up a mountain into isolation. She is a superior character to build a movie off of. She spends all this time embracing the walls that surround her, because her parents were afraid that she would be run out of town or kill someone; then when that actually happens she let's her freak fly and makes a big ice castle (complete with ice golem guard). She has some major mental issues, and provides the audience with a little more depth.
Rapunzel
Now, we have the girl with the long hair. She is basically a mixture of the two princesses above, she embraces her tower that she was locked in, but at the same time yearns for freedom. She is rebellious, yet ditsy. Confident, yet unsure. Throughout the first act of the movie it's fun to just assume she has multiple personality disorder. Her character suffers though, for eventually turning into every other Disney princess by falling for the first guy that comes through her window (literally). I think it could have been a bit better character development if the characters seemed to have more in common than one saying "Hey! You're pretty," and the other replying "Hey! You're pretty too! Let's base a relationship off of our good looks!" Now, I know what you are thinking here, "But Dustin, all Disney princesses fall in love with the first guy that gives them the time of day, you should expect this." That would be true if it wasn't for the two above princesses (and Merida, I guess). Anna gets her heart broken for falling for the first guy she meets, when it turns out he's a dick. The second guy she meets is nice, but they're taking it slow (no hint of a marriage at the end of the movie). Elsa is a strong, independent woman "that don't need no man" (because she has ice powers and is a bad ass). I'm not saying that falling in love drags down a character (by all means let the girls get theirs), what I'm saying is falling in love stupidly drags down a character, unless you are Anna who paid for that mistake.
Winner: Elsa and Anna For having cool (sorry for the pun) powers and setting a better standard for Disney Princesses.
In "Mortal Kombat" terms: Elsa freezes Rapunzel's heart and is distracted by Anna from finding Flynn to heal her, by Anna talking to her about hot boys.
Kristoff and Hans
Yeah, I warned you that this movie doubles up on a lot of different things, but maybe Flynn can take on two strapping, young lads at once. First we take Kristoff, the ice salesman in the middle of a snow storm. He is also an orphan of some sort, now being raised by trolls. When he and Anna meet and she revels that she is engaged to a person that she has known for all of a half-a-day, he instantly calls her on being retarded. That's a positive. I don't think I would be able to hold back some choice comments to anyone that told me they were getting married to an attractive bartender in Las Vegas, because he is pretty. Besides that, his main role in the film is to make sure that Anna doesn't fall down any open manholes, and try to slap some sense into her.
When I talk about Hans I'm going to only be referring to Hans before he makes the reveal that he is, in fact: a total dick. Hans and her seem to have some major chemistry, and by that I of course mean that: they are attracted to each other, nothing else (they even have a song in the movie celebrating their differences, which they think are similarities). Away from his love life it appears that he is actually an alright guy. He is taking care of the village while the two royal bloodline remaining gallivant aimlessly through the forest. In fact, he does such a good job I'd say that he would actually be a better ruler than the two rightful heirs. Let's look at it this way. While the sisters are off playing "come down the mountain so these men can hang you," Hans is giving away soup in the castle and handing out blankets. When the heirs come back and kick out Hans, the first order of business is cutting off a major trading embargo, just because he tried to kill someone with ice powers (by all rights, during this time frame I'm surprised she wasn't burned at the stake for witch craft). Business ethics 101, if you have to bite the bullet to make your client happy, do it. This might be a bit of a stretch, because we never saw how the sisters would react to a tragedy happening to their village (that wasn't their fault).
Flynn
Now we have Flynn Rider, real name Eugene Fitzherbert. Another orphan that went for the glamorous life of a thief, instead of a hard working ice salesman (salt of the earth those ice salesman). This actual gives his character more depth than most love interests in Disney. He isn't the captain of a Chinese army, he isn't a god who has had his godhood stolen, he isn't a handsome prince, and he doesn't have a real job. You could say that Aladdin was close since he had to steal too, but Flynn's reason for stealing was far less noble. He just wants to be rich, he's not stealing to survive. That depth makes his character one of the best in the movie (and that "I don't sing" line, of course). If we want to go deep into Flynn, we could say the only reason he stopped stealing was because he married into money, but that is kind of like the above rant about Hans being a good leader. He has some great quips, and shows Disney fans that you don't always have to follow a set moral code to be a good guy.
Winner: Flynn Talking specifically in terms of their characters as love interests before one turned out to be a dick, Flynn is just a better character.
In "Mortal Kombat" Terms: Hans betrays Kristoff to his death, and Flynn bludgeons the winner with a frying pan.
Hans
I guess I could put the Duke up here, since he was the antagonist for the first two acts (or the Stabbington Brothers), but what did he really do besides call for the head of the queen a lot (and what did they really do besides look menacing). With these characters it really comes down to the biggest betrayal in the end (and how they effected the character, not the audience). Let's look at Hans first. Hans was setting himself to be a real superhero: giving food and blankets to a village undergoing a second Ice Age. He is supposedly just as love sick for Anna as she is for him, but when Anna comes back in need of an act of true love to save her, he let's her die. That's right! Turns out his plan all along was to eventually steal the crown Shakespeare style when they were married, but now that she is knocking on heaven's door he doesn't need to go through the hassle. Anna is heart broken of course, but more worried about her impending demise. Hans quickly comes up with a story about Anna and him exchanging wedding vows before she "died," and calls for the death of Elsa as recompense. So there it is, betrayal of your first love. Welcome to reality kids, it's full of assholes.
Mother Gothel
Now we have Mother Gothel, some sort of witch-like thing. She never really uses magic (save for her infamous "I want to be young and pretty again" song, and making fog appear behind her, then disappearing into the night like Batman), but she stinks of witchcraft. So she sings to this flower for eternal youth (guess it's easier than the lazarus pit, looking at you Ra's Al Ghul), the kingdom picks the flower to save their queen, the queen is pregnant and the baby inherits the flower power (that's right hippies, you have a princess now), Gothel steals the baby to raise it as her own. When all of this is finally revealed to the main character Rapunzel, she revolts of course and refuses to let this woman (who was raising her since she was a baby) use her power. Even through this betrayal, Rapunzel still looks sad when her mother grows old and falls to her death. That's what makes her a good villain. She had this child growing more and more devoted to her, and in every sense she was Rapunzel's mother. Sat through all of the tantrums, nursed her, and raised her. Rapunzel didn't know her real parents, she wanted to get to know them after she found out (like any adopted child in a movie), but this was the woman that kept her safe. How do we know that if she grew up with her real parents she wouldn't be forced into an arranged marriage (or something worse that is still relevant to medieval times)? Sure, she kept this girl safe for the wrong, selfish reasons; but what parent doesn't make mistakes? This would all fit, if it wasn't for that scene where Rapunzel was chained up in the tower. She went from misunderstood, to abusive parent pretty quick after that.
Winner: Mother Gothel Betrayal of a family member is worse than the betrayal of your first love. I see much counseling in Rapunzel's future.
In "Mortal Kombat" Terms: Hans tries to get Gothel to fall in love with him, it doesn't work and she shanks him in the back.
Olaf and Sven
This seems a little unfair, since one of the characters I'm referencing in "Frozen" can talk, but maybe Maximus and Pascal can pull it out in the end. Olaf is a snowman, accidentally brought to life by Elsa's powers and Sven is Kristoff's trusty stead (who he has conversations with when he provides Sven's dialogue, and acts as kind of a Jiminy Cricket). You can't really go too deep into these character's, since they are mainly just for comic relief and to sell toys, but let's just look at them on their basic premise. Olaf is a snowman who has never felt heat and yearns for summertime, not knowing "what solid water does when it gets warm" to quote the man himself. Which is an interesting way to look at a more naive Frosty the Snowman. Olaf is a reindeer that apparently thinks he is a dog, when he does tricks and even plays fetch. He serves as a good soundboard for Kristoff and (as stated before) a conscience. Not really much to him besides the dog and Kristoff bit, sadly.
Maximus and Pascal
Okay, time for Maximus and Pascal. Maximus is a horse that switches between thinking he is a person to thinking he is a dog (when Rapunzel is around). Pascal is the chameleon version of Sven, sound board, been there for Rapunzel for a while, and random talks between the two characters (no voice over by Rapunzel, unfortunately). Maximus is the real contender in this bout, Pascal is cool and all, but he didn't get promoted at the end of the movie. Maximus is one of the most driven support characters Disney has come up with (and what's more he has an actual purpose besides "I'm here for the laughs," although he does cause some chuckles). He will do anything and everything to make sure Flynn finds justice. That is anything except for break some pretty blonde girl's heart. Yes, the thing that kills his quest (that he has been suffering through the entire movie to achieve), is a little girl asking him politely to stop. What does this teach kids? Work for your goal and do whatever it takes to see it completed, unless a girl with big green eyes tells you not to and gives you pets.
Winner: Olaf and Sven Olaf is funny and gets a hilarious solo song, Sven is a better version of Pascal hands down.
In "Mortal Kombat" Terms: Sven impales Maximus with his horns, and Olaf drowns Pascal in snow.
Love at First Site
Both of these movies take shots at old Disney. From Disney's trademarked love at first site to most Disney cartoons being musicals (coincidentally the two we are talking about). First, let's go with Frozen's joke about love at first site. The joke comes in many different forms, from Anna's Sister saying it is a bad idea, to a song, then finally Kristoff's rant about it. The best part is that this joke is followed up by all of the characters that were telling Anna it was a bad idea being proven right. Let's just talk about the main joke for the time being though. Which is: Kristoff and Anna talking about it on their sled ride. When Kristoff finds out that Anna is engaged to a man that she just met, he flips, trying to understand the logic behind her naive stupidity. They get attacked by wolves and he still can't seem to trust her judgement knowing that she is engaged to a man she just met.
Singing
"Sorry boys, I don't sing." This is the joke that made "Tangled" so famous for a lot of people, and is the main selling point of the film when someone is advertising it to a friend. But it is a one stop shop for the film, they never really come back to it, and Flynn even contradicts himself when he sings with Rapunzel (or his love caused him to see the error of his none singing ways, whatever). It's funny seeing him look confused/frightened by a bar of "ruffians" breaking into song (than commenting on it), but it just didn't have as much depth as the love at first site gag. So regardless to say...
Winner: Love at first site for all the reasons I just said
"Frozen"
I'm going to be looking at the basic storyline, saving the endings for a later battle. So, Frozen's storyline consists of Anna's memory being wiped by trolls after a traumatic accident involving Elsa's ice powers; this also forces the two girls into captivity in their castle. Unfortunately for the girls they are in a Disney film, and that means their parents have to die , which leaves Elsa as the heir to the throne (Don't agree this is a Disney cliche? See: "Bambi," "The Hunchback of Notre Dame," "Lion King," "Finding Nemo," "Fox and the Hound," even "Peter Pan," plus many more). During the day she is taking the crown, they are forced to open the gates of the castle to the general public, and Anna final gets to see people on the outside. In another classic Disney fashion she falls in love with the first handsome stranger she meets (Again, if you don't believe that this is a Disney cliche, please see: "Aladdin," "Sleeping Beauty," "Snow White," "Cinderella," "Mulan," "Tangled," "Pocahontas," "The Little Mermaid," and many more). Of course, they get engaged the day they meet and need to tell Elsa for a blessing. Elsa says no (because while she has been locked up as long as Anna has, it apparently hasn't effected her common sense) and Anna gets pissed (because she is child throwing a temper tantrum, asking for her toy back) leading her into a confrontation that releases Elsa's pent up power. Elsa get's chased out of town for witchcraft Frankenstein style, and houses herself on a mountain in a self made ice castle. Anna takes it upon herself to go and get her sister, because she is convinced she is the only one that can talk Elsa off the mountain ledge.
"Tangled"
Tangled, follows the exploits of Rapunzel, a character so old your great-great-grandparents could read you stories about her. Unlike your great-great-grandparent's fables, this take on the story has a little more detail as to exactly why Rapunzel was locked in the tower and why her hair was so long in the first place. A woman known as Mother Gothel finds a flower that has been struck by a drop of sunlight. The flower has the power to heal anything, even age. She greedily hordes the flower for herself, to stay young for forever. One day the kingdom closest to the flower needs a miracle to heal their pregnant queen (because Disney will be damned if they let another parent die on their watch, at least with the child is still in the womb). They find the flower and give it to the queen, saving her, but passing the flower's power along to their baby. Mother Gothel finds out that the baby has this power and steals her (insert "Hercules" joke here), raising the child as her own. She knows now that if you cut the baby's hair the power will come out of it (insert biblical joke here), and has it grow to unnatural lengths. Rapunzel grows up and on the eve of her eighteenth birthday (because Disney does not support statutory rape) she grows the courage to ask her "mother" to leave the tower. She says no of course, and this forces Rapunzel to rebel, leading her to go on her own with a stranger that came through her window.
Winner: "Frozen" One princess doesn't even know why she is locked up, ice powers are better than long hair, and at least we have a female heroin going to rescue her sister instead of a prince. Disney is evolving people, get with it.
Actually, not the whole soundtrack that would take forever, and as I've stated in other issues I'm not a music critic (see: my love for shitty music on the radio); however, I can take a look at the most popular songs from both, then derive the better lyrics and placement in movie.
SO!
"Let It Go" vs. "I See the Light"
"Let it Go"
"Let it Go" is Disney's greatest musical accomplishment since "Reflection" in "Mulan." Why? Because it is just so damn different. When you are listening to it on your MP3 player there is a moment when you forget that Disney made it, instead of some other (more raw) musical. I shouldn't have been surprised since the singer of this song is most noted for her performance in the musical "Wicked." I just love how it leads up to the ending. It starts out with Elsa acting all "Woah is me, how shall I ever go on?" then transforms into this big number where she finally gets to embrace her powers. I guess this match up isn't really fair since I have had this song stuck in my head since I saw the movie; but that's the thing, this is the first Disney movie in a while to actually get a song stuck in my head after watching the film only one time.
"I See the Light"
Now we have a song that is "A Whole New World" for the current generation. Don't get me wrong it is still a good song, but it stinks of Aladdin and other over done love songs. It is all about how Rapunzel and Flynn have been blind to the world and now they can "see the light" since they are with the one they love (still think I am joking about it being like "A Whole New World"). Flynn talks about how he was such a fool for chasing his dream to be rich and Rapunzel talks about how she is living her dream after being locked up in her tower.
Winner: "Let it Go" There are some theory's put forth by a critic I follow saying that this is tied in with the LGBTQ community. That might be a little more of a stretch than I am willing to admit, but the fact remains that it is a great song. Disney really hit it out of the park with this one.
Hans' Betrayal and Anna's Sacrifice
This is the most significant part of the movie, and it gives me a chance to talk about something I haven't had the opportunity for yet. So as I said before, Hans is a dick and this is why: he left Anna to die a slow and painful death. Here's the back story. Anna just got shot with an ice blast from Elsa in her heart (the first time she got blasted from Elsa it was in the head, and her parents locked down the castle), so Kristoff takes her to see his family. His family are trolls who helped with this before, only this time they cannot do anything for her. They tell her that she is in a Disney movie and that means "only an act of true love can cure you" (they didn't really tell her that she is in a Disney movie, keep up). So, with her true love being back at Camp Auschwitz (erm...I mean Arendelle) her and Kristoff run to see him so they can kiss. Kristoff drops her off and she is in the arms of Hans all alone. They are moments away from kissing when he reveals that he is a dick, and leaves her to die. Olaf the snowman shows up and breaks her out of the castle to find her actual true love Kristoff, who is also headed back to grab her. During this time Hans is using his new found dick-hood to execute the queen, she escapes and starts a blizzard. King dick is right on her heels with a sword, and eventually catches up with her through the storm. Anna sees her sister about to be beheaded while seeing her salvation in Kristoff putting her in a hard spot. She makes the sacrifice choice and jumps in front of dick's blade, turning to ice in the process. Since this is Disney, we know that she has a about a fifty-fifty shot of either, coming out of this without frost bite or being Arendelle's newest ice sculpture. She comes out of it and it is revealed that the act of true love she needed was the love of her sister. Elsa figures out that when she feels love she can reverse her ice and Arendelle is saved. Amazing, right? Disney finally let go of a kiss being the cure-all to everything and let the sisterly bond cure Elsa. That is what makes me think we are going to be seeing a new, more evolved Disney from this point on. It doesn't always have to be a knight in shining armor to save you from the dragon, sometimes you can just double team the dragon with your sibling.
Flynn's Sacrifice
After a daring escape (with the help of the ruffian's Flynn and Rapunzel had a sing-a-long with) Flynn boldly comes through the window of Rapunzel's tower to save her from Mother Gothel. Only to be shanked from behind by Mother Gothel as he makes it through the window. Rapunzel makes a deal with her captor "let me save my boo and I will go with you willingly." Gothel allows this and Rapunzel goes to save him against Flynn's wishes. Flynn tries to get a kiss from Rapunzel, but instead of slipping her the tongue he cuts off her magic-healing-hair, sacrificing himself to beat Gothel. Gothel turns old and trips out of the tower window, turning to dust when she hits the ground. Rapunzel cries over Flynn and saves him with her tears. Pretty straight forward, tear-jerking moment. The two go see her real parents (the king and queen), then live happily ever after.
Winner: "Frozen" This was an obvious choice, since the ending of Frozen is what made Frozen so good in the first place.
Princess) Kirsten Bell vs. Mandy Moore
Winner: Draw Mandy is the better singer, Kirsten is the better actor. That's a toss up.
Princess) Idina Menzel vs. Mandy Moore
Winner: Idina Menzel Idina is a more defined singer, who is also more experienced with musicals
Villain) Santino Fontana vs. Donna Murphy
Winner: Donna Murphy Santino is still coming into his own as an actor, and Donna is better/more classically trained (at least for now).
Lover) Jonathan Groff vs. Zachary Levi
Winner: Zachary Levi Just all around a better voice actor, and he turned out to be a better singer.
Support Villain) Ron Perlman vs. Alan Tudyk
Winner: Draw They are two amazing voice actors. Alan can put forth more characters and inflection in his voices, but you just can't beat Ron's presence (if you don't believe me about Ron please check out "Teen Titans").
Overall Winner of voices: Draw There are some amazing voices in here, I could have had a tie breaker for Josh Gad as Olaf, but I really had no one to compare him to on "Tangled." Maybe you can take that as win for "Frozen," but I still say this is a draw.
Final thoughts
Frozen is a great movie, even if you aren't accustomed to seeing animated films. I'm not saying it is perfect, but it is the closest Disney has come to perfect in a long time. If you haven't seen it, why did you read this and please go see it. I love "Tangled" as well, but in terms of quality "Frozen" is just a different kind of beast. Let's all hope that Disney can continue this trend in future installments. Maybe their next movie can take a shot at how Disney likes to kill parents, who knows. With a future that includes "Finding Dory," "Toy Story 4" and a "Planes" sequel I don't know how bright Disney's future is, but than again there are movies like "Maleficent" to give us hope.
*Spoiler Warning* Seriously, don't read this if you haven't seen either of these two movies, the best part of "Frozen" is the ending.
Hello loyal readers, and welcome to a special edition of Dustin's Dirty Dozen. Yes, there is no list here, instead it is a battle between the most recent amazing Disney movie (Frozen) and their last amazing movie (Tangled). This is also my way of giving the finger to the holidays, I don't like Christmas and didn't want to do a Christmas list (this year). I guess you are wondering why "Wreck-It Ralph" isn't taking the spot of "Tangled," since it was more recent. Truth is "Tangled" was just a better movie over all, and I don't think "Wreck-It Ralph" could take "Frozen" in the ring. Tangled is going to have a hard enough time doing that on its own, but I promise a fair match between the two. It would probably be more fair if I had another writer on here, but my resources are limited. We will be judging the two movies in many different categories, it will not be a straight up "which movie is better" (basically, I'm going to pick these two films apart). Let's get it on!
Round 1) Princesses
Elsa and Anna vs. Rapunzel
Anna and Elsa
Doesn't seem quite fair to have a two on one match does it? The fact of the matter is that "Frozen" doubles up on a lot of things and that can't be helped. So, here we have two Disney princesses, one normal red head and one powerful frost mage. They both bring something pretty amazing to the table in terms of character. On the one hand you have Anna, who is a very stereotypical Disney princess. Got locked in her castle, cut off from the world. Believes in love at first site, since she falls for the first guy she sees. Sings. What could she possibly have to bring to the table that we have not seen before? Turns out she is really a prince in disguise, when she goes on a journey to find her sister and bring her back down from a mountain. Braving the elements and dangers that it entails. Sure, she asks the first guy she meets to be her guide, but the initial intention remains the same. She is a clumsy, less talented version of Merida. (the main character in "Brave")
Her sister, Elsa, on the other hand is the polar opposite in almost every conceivable fashion. She embraces her confinement, since she is the cause and doesn't want to hurt anyone with her power. She is more grounded and thinks that you need to know someone for more than a couple of hours in order to love them. She also has friggin' ice powers, which is pretty awesome. She is different than any other princess for these reasons. There is also that moment where you aren't sure if she is going to be the next big Disney villain, when she freaks out and goes up a mountain into isolation. She is a superior character to build a movie off of. She spends all this time embracing the walls that surround her, because her parents were afraid that she would be run out of town or kill someone; then when that actually happens she let's her freak fly and makes a big ice castle (complete with ice golem guard). She has some major mental issues, and provides the audience with a little more depth.
Rapunzel
Now, we have the girl with the long hair. She is basically a mixture of the two princesses above, she embraces her tower that she was locked in, but at the same time yearns for freedom. She is rebellious, yet ditsy. Confident, yet unsure. Throughout the first act of the movie it's fun to just assume she has multiple personality disorder. Her character suffers though, for eventually turning into every other Disney princess by falling for the first guy that comes through her window (literally). I think it could have been a bit better character development if the characters seemed to have more in common than one saying "Hey! You're pretty," and the other replying "Hey! You're pretty too! Let's base a relationship off of our good looks!" Now, I know what you are thinking here, "But Dustin, all Disney princesses fall in love with the first guy that gives them the time of day, you should expect this." That would be true if it wasn't for the two above princesses (and Merida, I guess). Anna gets her heart broken for falling for the first guy she meets, when it turns out he's a dick. The second guy she meets is nice, but they're taking it slow (no hint of a marriage at the end of the movie). Elsa is a strong, independent woman "that don't need no man" (because she has ice powers and is a bad ass). I'm not saying that falling in love drags down a character (by all means let the girls get theirs), what I'm saying is falling in love stupidly drags down a character, unless you are Anna who paid for that mistake.
Winner: Elsa and Anna For having cool (sorry for the pun) powers and setting a better standard for Disney Princesses.
In "Mortal Kombat" terms: Elsa freezes Rapunzel's heart and is distracted by Anna from finding Flynn to heal her, by Anna talking to her about hot boys.
Round 2) Love Interest
Kristoff and Hans vs. Flynn Rider
Kristoff and Hans
Yeah, I warned you that this movie doubles up on a lot of different things, but maybe Flynn can take on two strapping, young lads at once. First we take Kristoff, the ice salesman in the middle of a snow storm. He is also an orphan of some sort, now being raised by trolls. When he and Anna meet and she revels that she is engaged to a person that she has known for all of a half-a-day, he instantly calls her on being retarded. That's a positive. I don't think I would be able to hold back some choice comments to anyone that told me they were getting married to an attractive bartender in Las Vegas, because he is pretty. Besides that, his main role in the film is to make sure that Anna doesn't fall down any open manholes, and try to slap some sense into her.
When I talk about Hans I'm going to only be referring to Hans before he makes the reveal that he is, in fact: a total dick. Hans and her seem to have some major chemistry, and by that I of course mean that: they are attracted to each other, nothing else (they even have a song in the movie celebrating their differences, which they think are similarities). Away from his love life it appears that he is actually an alright guy. He is taking care of the village while the two royal bloodline remaining gallivant aimlessly through the forest. In fact, he does such a good job I'd say that he would actually be a better ruler than the two rightful heirs. Let's look at it this way. While the sisters are off playing "come down the mountain so these men can hang you," Hans is giving away soup in the castle and handing out blankets. When the heirs come back and kick out Hans, the first order of business is cutting off a major trading embargo, just because he tried to kill someone with ice powers (by all rights, during this time frame I'm surprised she wasn't burned at the stake for witch craft). Business ethics 101, if you have to bite the bullet to make your client happy, do it. This might be a bit of a stretch, because we never saw how the sisters would react to a tragedy happening to their village (that wasn't their fault).
Flynn
Now we have Flynn Rider, real name Eugene Fitzherbert. Another orphan that went for the glamorous life of a thief, instead of a hard working ice salesman (salt of the earth those ice salesman). This actual gives his character more depth than most love interests in Disney. He isn't the captain of a Chinese army, he isn't a god who has had his godhood stolen, he isn't a handsome prince, and he doesn't have a real job. You could say that Aladdin was close since he had to steal too, but Flynn's reason for stealing was far less noble. He just wants to be rich, he's not stealing to survive. That depth makes his character one of the best in the movie (and that "I don't sing" line, of course). If we want to go deep into Flynn, we could say the only reason he stopped stealing was because he married into money, but that is kind of like the above rant about Hans being a good leader. He has some great quips, and shows Disney fans that you don't always have to follow a set moral code to be a good guy.
Winner: Flynn Talking specifically in terms of their characters as love interests before one turned out to be a dick, Flynn is just a better character.
In "Mortal Kombat" Terms: Hans betrays Kristoff to his death, and Flynn bludgeons the winner with a frying pan.
Round 3) Antagonist
Hans vs. Mother Gothel
Hans
I guess I could put the Duke up here, since he was the antagonist for the first two acts (or the Stabbington Brothers), but what did he really do besides call for the head of the queen a lot (and what did they really do besides look menacing). With these characters it really comes down to the biggest betrayal in the end (and how they effected the character, not the audience). Let's look at Hans first. Hans was setting himself to be a real superhero: giving food and blankets to a village undergoing a second Ice Age. He is supposedly just as love sick for Anna as she is for him, but when Anna comes back in need of an act of true love to save her, he let's her die. That's right! Turns out his plan all along was to eventually steal the crown Shakespeare style when they were married, but now that she is knocking on heaven's door he doesn't need to go through the hassle. Anna is heart broken of course, but more worried about her impending demise. Hans quickly comes up with a story about Anna and him exchanging wedding vows before she "died," and calls for the death of Elsa as recompense. So there it is, betrayal of your first love. Welcome to reality kids, it's full of assholes.
Mother Gothel
Now we have Mother Gothel, some sort of witch-like thing. She never really uses magic (save for her infamous "I want to be young and pretty again" song, and making fog appear behind her, then disappearing into the night like Batman), but she stinks of witchcraft. So she sings to this flower for eternal youth (guess it's easier than the lazarus pit, looking at you Ra's Al Ghul), the kingdom picks the flower to save their queen, the queen is pregnant and the baby inherits the flower power (that's right hippies, you have a princess now), Gothel steals the baby to raise it as her own. When all of this is finally revealed to the main character Rapunzel, she revolts of course and refuses to let this woman (who was raising her since she was a baby) use her power. Even through this betrayal, Rapunzel still looks sad when her mother grows old and falls to her death. That's what makes her a good villain. She had this child growing more and more devoted to her, and in every sense she was Rapunzel's mother. Sat through all of the tantrums, nursed her, and raised her. Rapunzel didn't know her real parents, she wanted to get to know them after she found out (like any adopted child in a movie), but this was the woman that kept her safe. How do we know that if she grew up with her real parents she wouldn't be forced into an arranged marriage (or something worse that is still relevant to medieval times)? Sure, she kept this girl safe for the wrong, selfish reasons; but what parent doesn't make mistakes? This would all fit, if it wasn't for that scene where Rapunzel was chained up in the tower. She went from misunderstood, to abusive parent pretty quick after that.
Winner: Mother Gothel Betrayal of a family member is worse than the betrayal of your first love. I see much counseling in Rapunzel's future.
In "Mortal Kombat" Terms: Hans tries to get Gothel to fall in love with him, it doesn't work and she shanks him in the back.
Round 4) Animal/Not Human Sidekicks
Olaf and Sven Vs. Maximus and Pascal
Olaf and Sven
This seems a little unfair, since one of the characters I'm referencing in "Frozen" can talk, but maybe Maximus and Pascal can pull it out in the end. Olaf is a snowman, accidentally brought to life by Elsa's powers and Sven is Kristoff's trusty stead (who he has conversations with when he provides Sven's dialogue, and acts as kind of a Jiminy Cricket). You can't really go too deep into these character's, since they are mainly just for comic relief and to sell toys, but let's just look at them on their basic premise. Olaf is a snowman who has never felt heat and yearns for summertime, not knowing "what solid water does when it gets warm" to quote the man himself. Which is an interesting way to look at a more naive Frosty the Snowman. Olaf is a reindeer that apparently thinks he is a dog, when he does tricks and even plays fetch. He serves as a good soundboard for Kristoff and (as stated before) a conscience. Not really much to him besides the dog and Kristoff bit, sadly.
Maximus and Pascal
Okay, time for Maximus and Pascal. Maximus is a horse that switches between thinking he is a person to thinking he is a dog (when Rapunzel is around). Pascal is the chameleon version of Sven, sound board, been there for Rapunzel for a while, and random talks between the two characters (no voice over by Rapunzel, unfortunately). Maximus is the real contender in this bout, Pascal is cool and all, but he didn't get promoted at the end of the movie. Maximus is one of the most driven support characters Disney has come up with (and what's more he has an actual purpose besides "I'm here for the laughs," although he does cause some chuckles). He will do anything and everything to make sure Flynn finds justice. That is anything except for break some pretty blonde girl's heart. Yes, the thing that kills his quest (that he has been suffering through the entire movie to achieve), is a little girl asking him politely to stop. What does this teach kids? Work for your goal and do whatever it takes to see it completed, unless a girl with big green eyes tells you not to and gives you pets.
Winner: Olaf and Sven Olaf is funny and gets a hilarious solo song, Sven is a better version of Pascal hands down.
In "Mortal Kombat" Terms: Sven impales Maximus with his horns, and Olaf drowns Pascal in snow.
Round 5) Best Joke about Disney cliches
Love at First Site vs. Singing
Love at First Site
Both of these movies take shots at old Disney. From Disney's trademarked love at first site to most Disney cartoons being musicals (coincidentally the two we are talking about). First, let's go with Frozen's joke about love at first site. The joke comes in many different forms, from Anna's Sister saying it is a bad idea, to a song, then finally Kristoff's rant about it. The best part is that this joke is followed up by all of the characters that were telling Anna it was a bad idea being proven right. Let's just talk about the main joke for the time being though. Which is: Kristoff and Anna talking about it on their sled ride. When Kristoff finds out that Anna is engaged to a man that she just met, he flips, trying to understand the logic behind her naive stupidity. They get attacked by wolves and he still can't seem to trust her judgement knowing that she is engaged to a man she just met.
Singing
"Sorry boys, I don't sing." This is the joke that made "Tangled" so famous for a lot of people, and is the main selling point of the film when someone is advertising it to a friend. But it is a one stop shop for the film, they never really come back to it, and Flynn even contradicts himself when he sings with Rapunzel (or his love caused him to see the error of his none singing ways, whatever). It's funny seeing him look confused/frightened by a bar of "ruffians" breaking into song (than commenting on it), but it just didn't have as much depth as the love at first site gag. So regardless to say...
Winner: Love at first site for all the reasons I just said
Round 6) Storyline
Misleading pictures leading the reader to think I am talking about the books
"Frozen"
I'm going to be looking at the basic storyline, saving the endings for a later battle. So, Frozen's storyline consists of Anna's memory being wiped by trolls after a traumatic accident involving Elsa's ice powers; this also forces the two girls into captivity in their castle. Unfortunately for the girls they are in a Disney film, and that means their parents have to die , which leaves Elsa as the heir to the throne (Don't agree this is a Disney cliche? See: "Bambi," "The Hunchback of Notre Dame," "Lion King," "Finding Nemo," "Fox and the Hound," even "Peter Pan," plus many more). During the day she is taking the crown, they are forced to open the gates of the castle to the general public, and Anna final gets to see people on the outside. In another classic Disney fashion she falls in love with the first handsome stranger she meets (Again, if you don't believe that this is a Disney cliche, please see: "Aladdin," "Sleeping Beauty," "Snow White," "Cinderella," "Mulan," "Tangled," "Pocahontas," "The Little Mermaid," and many more). Of course, they get engaged the day they meet and need to tell Elsa for a blessing. Elsa says no (because while she has been locked up as long as Anna has, it apparently hasn't effected her common sense) and Anna gets pissed (because she is child throwing a temper tantrum, asking for her toy back) leading her into a confrontation that releases Elsa's pent up power. Elsa get's chased out of town for witchcraft Frankenstein style, and houses herself on a mountain in a self made ice castle. Anna takes it upon herself to go and get her sister, because she is convinced she is the only one that can talk Elsa off the mountain ledge.
"Tangled"
Tangled, follows the exploits of Rapunzel, a character so old your great-great-grandparents could read you stories about her. Unlike your great-great-grandparent's fables, this take on the story has a little more detail as to exactly why Rapunzel was locked in the tower and why her hair was so long in the first place. A woman known as Mother Gothel finds a flower that has been struck by a drop of sunlight. The flower has the power to heal anything, even age. She greedily hordes the flower for herself, to stay young for forever. One day the kingdom closest to the flower needs a miracle to heal their pregnant queen (because Disney will be damned if they let another parent die on their watch, at least with the child is still in the womb). They find the flower and give it to the queen, saving her, but passing the flower's power along to their baby. Mother Gothel finds out that the baby has this power and steals her (insert "Hercules" joke here), raising the child as her own. She knows now that if you cut the baby's hair the power will come out of it (insert biblical joke here), and has it grow to unnatural lengths. Rapunzel grows up and on the eve of her eighteenth birthday (because Disney does not support statutory rape) she grows the courage to ask her "mother" to leave the tower. She says no of course, and this forces Rapunzel to rebel, leading her to go on her own with a stranger that came through her window.
Winner: "Frozen" One princess doesn't even know why she is locked up, ice powers are better than long hair, and at least we have a female heroin going to rescue her sister instead of a prince. Disney is evolving people, get with it.
Round 7) Music
Soundtrack against soundtrack
Actually, not the whole soundtrack that would take forever, and as I've stated in other issues I'm not a music critic (see: my love for shitty music on the radio); however, I can take a look at the most popular songs from both, then derive the better lyrics and placement in movie.
SO!
"Let It Go" vs. "I See the Light"
"Let it Go"
"Let it Go" is Disney's greatest musical accomplishment since "Reflection" in "Mulan." Why? Because it is just so damn different. When you are listening to it on your MP3 player there is a moment when you forget that Disney made it, instead of some other (more raw) musical. I shouldn't have been surprised since the singer of this song is most noted for her performance in the musical "Wicked." I just love how it leads up to the ending. It starts out with Elsa acting all "Woah is me, how shall I ever go on?" then transforms into this big number where she finally gets to embrace her powers. I guess this match up isn't really fair since I have had this song stuck in my head since I saw the movie; but that's the thing, this is the first Disney movie in a while to actually get a song stuck in my head after watching the film only one time.
"I See the Light"
Now we have a song that is "A Whole New World" for the current generation. Don't get me wrong it is still a good song, but it stinks of Aladdin and other over done love songs. It is all about how Rapunzel and Flynn have been blind to the world and now they can "see the light" since they are with the one they love (still think I am joking about it being like "A Whole New World"). Flynn talks about how he was such a fool for chasing his dream to be rich and Rapunzel talks about how she is living her dream after being locked up in her tower.
Winner: "Let it Go" There are some theory's put forth by a critic I follow saying that this is tied in with the LGBTQ community. That might be a little more of a stretch than I am willing to admit, but the fact remains that it is a great song. Disney really hit it out of the park with this one.
Round 8)Ending
Hans' Betrayal and Anna's Sacrifice vs. Flynn Rider's Sacrifice
Hans' Betrayal and Anna's Sacrifice
This is the most significant part of the movie, and it gives me a chance to talk about something I haven't had the opportunity for yet. So as I said before, Hans is a dick and this is why: he left Anna to die a slow and painful death. Here's the back story. Anna just got shot with an ice blast from Elsa in her heart (the first time she got blasted from Elsa it was in the head, and her parents locked down the castle), so Kristoff takes her to see his family. His family are trolls who helped with this before, only this time they cannot do anything for her. They tell her that she is in a Disney movie and that means "only an act of true love can cure you" (they didn't really tell her that she is in a Disney movie, keep up). So, with her true love being back at Camp Auschwitz (erm...I mean Arendelle) her and Kristoff run to see him so they can kiss. Kristoff drops her off and she is in the arms of Hans all alone. They are moments away from kissing when he reveals that he is a dick, and leaves her to die. Olaf the snowman shows up and breaks her out of the castle to find her actual true love Kristoff, who is also headed back to grab her. During this time Hans is using his new found dick-hood to execute the queen, she escapes and starts a blizzard. King dick is right on her heels with a sword, and eventually catches up with her through the storm. Anna sees her sister about to be beheaded while seeing her salvation in Kristoff putting her in a hard spot. She makes the sacrifice choice and jumps in front of dick's blade, turning to ice in the process. Since this is Disney, we know that she has a about a fifty-fifty shot of either, coming out of this without frost bite or being Arendelle's newest ice sculpture. She comes out of it and it is revealed that the act of true love she needed was the love of her sister. Elsa figures out that when she feels love she can reverse her ice and Arendelle is saved. Amazing, right? Disney finally let go of a kiss being the cure-all to everything and let the sisterly bond cure Elsa. That is what makes me think we are going to be seeing a new, more evolved Disney from this point on. It doesn't always have to be a knight in shining armor to save you from the dragon, sometimes you can just double team the dragon with your sibling.
Flynn's Sacrifice
After a daring escape (with the help of the ruffian's Flynn and Rapunzel had a sing-a-long with) Flynn boldly comes through the window of Rapunzel's tower to save her from Mother Gothel. Only to be shanked from behind by Mother Gothel as he makes it through the window. Rapunzel makes a deal with her captor "let me save my boo and I will go with you willingly." Gothel allows this and Rapunzel goes to save him against Flynn's wishes. Flynn tries to get a kiss from Rapunzel, but instead of slipping her the tongue he cuts off her magic-healing-hair, sacrificing himself to beat Gothel. Gothel turns old and trips out of the tower window, turning to dust when she hits the ground. Rapunzel cries over Flynn and saves him with her tears. Pretty straight forward, tear-jerking moment. The two go see her real parents (the king and queen), then live happily ever after.
Winner: "Frozen" This was an obvious choice, since the ending of Frozen is what made Frozen so good in the first place.
Final Round) Lightning Round: Voices
Princess) Kirsten Bell vs. Mandy Moore
Winner: Draw Mandy is the better singer, Kirsten is the better actor. That's a toss up.
Princess) Idina Menzel vs. Mandy Moore
Winner: Idina Menzel Idina is a more defined singer, who is also more experienced with musicals
Villain) Santino Fontana vs. Donna Murphy
Winner: Donna Murphy Santino is still coming into his own as an actor, and Donna is better/more classically trained (at least for now).
Lover) Jonathan Groff vs. Zachary Levi
Winner: Zachary Levi Just all around a better voice actor, and he turned out to be a better singer.
Support Villain) Ron Perlman vs. Alan Tudyk
Winner: Draw They are two amazing voice actors. Alan can put forth more characters and inflection in his voices, but you just can't beat Ron's presence (if you don't believe me about Ron please check out "Teen Titans").
Overall Winner of voices: Draw There are some amazing voices in here, I could have had a tie breaker for Josh Gad as Olaf, but I really had no one to compare him to on "Tangled." Maybe you can take that as win for "Frozen," but I still say this is a draw.
Final Score: 7 to 3 Frozen's favor
Winner
Final thoughts
Frozen is a great movie, even if you aren't accustomed to seeing animated films. I'm not saying it is perfect, but it is the closest Disney has come to perfect in a long time. If you haven't seen it, why did you read this and please go see it. I love "Tangled" as well, but in terms of quality "Frozen" is just a different kind of beast. Let's all hope that Disney can continue this trend in future installments. Maybe their next movie can take a shot at how Disney likes to kill parents, who knows. With a future that includes "Finding Dory," "Toy Story 4" and a "Planes" sequel I don't know how bright Disney's future is, but than again there are movies like "Maleficent" to give us hope.
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