Hello loyal readers, and welcome to another issue of Dustin's Dirty Dozen. This week we take a look back into the year of 2013 while we get ready for 2014. I had a bit of trouble figuring out how I was going to go about this issue (since I have been stuck in a place where the only guaranteed way to see a movie is by illegally downloading it and I try not to do that), so I came up with an award show. These are the best and worst moments from the year of 2013, as always you may agree or strongly disagree, but I don't know if I could really care about that right now. Looking back on this year, it comes to my attention that this was a weird year for film. A lot of surprisingly good movies, a lot of sequels, a lot of disappointingly horrendous movies. Let's look at it this way, I didn't even expect to like "Frozen" or "Evil Dead" when I heard about them, but now they are some of the best movies of the year. Anyways, let's party like it's 2014 and get this started.
Best Sci Fi
Pacific Rim
Who didn't see this coming? If you follow me on Facebook, you know that this was one of my favorite movies of the year; however, even if you don't, if you saw it you understand completely. I have hard time describing in words exactly how this movie made me feel while watching it. The best I could muster was "it made me feel like a five year old at the fourth of July." In the theater I constantly made statements (to no one but myself really) like "Holy Cow DID YOU SEE THAT?!" or "That is SO AWESOME!" It had me on the edge of my seat, and thoroughly entertained (which in the end is what a movie is supposed to do). Now I am not too blinded by the spectacle to not see the faults of this movie. Yes, the acting was a little bad at times (except for Idris Elba, that man stole every scene he was in), and the people representing different countries were very stereotypical. In terms of story line, and graphical achievement this movie was nearly perfect (even with its other slight foibles). Guillermo del Toro really hit this one straight out of the park, and if you haven't seen this movie, what are you doing reading this? Go see it. It is out on DVD and BluRay right now. Go rent it, go stream it, don't illegally download it because this movie has had enough trouble with "Grown Ups 2" stealing the box office from it.
Honorable Mention) Elysium
Neill Blomkamp is quite an impressive director. "District 9" was original and inspiring and this was no different. If Disney were looking for someone to replace J.J. Abrams for the director of Star Wars (or if the world were looking for someone to replace J.J. Abrams as a thing that exists) I nominate Neill first.
Worst Sci fi
Star Trek: Into Darkness
I could sit here and rant to you about J.J. Abrams, but I feel like you all want me to talk about this movie. Fuck it, I'll talk about the movie later. We as the world need to ban J.J. Abrams from making movies forever, and this movie is a shining example of why that is. He is the least original, least creative, least talented director in the current generation. The only way his movie's even reach the status of "OK" (like the first "Star Trek" or "Super 8") is because of his actors, not his ability to direct them. I don't even know if I can put some of his actors on that high of a pedestal when he puts Chris Pine as THE lead role in the remake of a sacred geek series. In closing to this little rant, Fuck J.J. Abrams and if he screws up the next three "Star Wars" he is not worth a fan base (which there is for some reason) period. Anyways, let's talk about this abomination. The only thing I can say to defend J.J. Abrams and this movie is that it takes some major balls to try and take on the legend of "Star Trek" that is "Wrath of Kahn." That being said, I didn't pay to see "Wrath of Kahn" with role reversal. Nor did I pay to see that Chris Pine still doesn't have this whole "acting" thing down yet. I damn sure didn't pay to see the most confusing end sequence in "Star Trek's" history. What is that you ask? Oh, Kahn's blood saves Kirk from death. I would have said spoiler warning but this movie is not worth any part of geek tradition.
Dishonorable Mention) After Earth
Unlike the director above, M. Night Shyamalan used to have some real talent ("Unbreakable", "Signs", "The Sixth Sense") so it is really disheartening to see a director that had so much potential doing movies like this. Jaden Smith can't act, the story was convoluted and awkward, the ending was predictable (which is weird for Shyamalan).
Best Comedy
This is the End
This movie had some of the best dialogue I have heard in a while. I know, I know, everything was predictable in the movie story line-wise; however, I don't go to a comedy for terrific story line, I go for good dialogue and to laugh. You just can't beat some of these lines "You don't have enough bullets, bitch." or "Guess what? It's not that compelling." If you saw the movie, you understand the significance of these lines; if you haven't, go see the movie. There are points in the movie where you think that this is how the actors actually act in real life, which is pretty impressive. The people that really stole the show here were Danny McBride and Michael Cera (yes, all ten minutes of the movie Michael Cera was in) they had not only the best characters, but some of the best lines or scenes in the film. Everyone else did well, Jay Baruchel made a nice home as a hipster, Seth Rogan was Seth Rogan, Jonah Hill made a convincing secret asshole, and Craig Robinson was pretty awesome. I don't know what to say about James Franco except that he seemed like his character in "Pineapple Express" but less stupid.
Honorable Mention)We're the Millers
You want to talk about movies that surprised the hell out of me? This right here. I expected this to be one of the worst comedies this year, but (like the movie above) the dialogue in this was superb and won me over.
Worst Comedy
Grown Ups 2
How the mighty have fallen, huh Adam Sandler? You go from doing a great movie like "Funny People" to following it up with "Jack and Jill." You go from doing a generally okay movie like "Grown Ups" and follow it up with a shitty sequel. When I saw this movie, I went with a friend that accused me of being too hard on this, because I was generally upset by it taking "Pacific Rim's" box office. I would say that my predisposition to this movie affected my overall opinion of it, but I won't since the movie was actually just bad. Many of the jokes in it didn't fit the scene, like making fun of Shaq's free throws for no other reason but to make fun of his real life handicap in a fictional movie. The jokes that did fit the scenes fell short of actually being funny. In fact the only funny part of the movie were the jokes about the frat guys, and even they were merely "chuckle worthy". The only time I found myself laughing was when I was laughing at myself for going to see this absolutely horrendous piece of garbage. I was also told that I didn't get most of the "jokes" because I didn't live in the eighties, which is an interesting theory if there had been more parts of the movie that had to do with the eighties besides one party scene. It was just bad, people. Bad/lazy writing, worse acting, and even worse characters. I don't have to be born in a different generation to see how utterly shit this movie was.
Dishonorable Mention) A Haunted House
It was like seeing the Wayans brothers make a movie to say "we don't have it anymore and we're tired of making films." The thought of seeing a movie that makes fun of a movie series I absolutely loath ("Paranormal Activity") was appealing, but I just got disappointed when I went to see it. Guess I really have to start adopting the pessimist way of thinking.
Best Animated
Frozen
Putting this movie up here as the "Best Animated Movie of the Year," I fear, doesn't do it justice entirely; but since I am not so impressed to put it up here as "Best Movie" I guess this will have to do. It may not have been the best movie of the year, but it was one of them and I can't stress enough how much I was impressed by Disney finally changing up there formula. This is what I like to call "evolutionary" for a company that seemed way too set in their ways to ever do something surprising. The music was amazing and utterly addicting, I bought the soundtrack the next day and listened to it on repeat for a while. The voice acting away from the music was masterful as always. The story line and ending were the real gems for this movie, and I can only say that you might actually be surprised when you see it (so I don't ruin it). If you're a Disney fan this is the movie you have been waiting a while to see, if you don't see animated movies all the time you'll still like it, and if you have children I highly recommend that you take them to see this.
Honoable Mention) The Crood's
It's a more realistic "The Flintstones" and completely harmless. Plus, I'm pretty sure my readers have a slight idea of how I feel about Nick Cage, so realize that it took a lot for me to say this was actually good. Not great, but what other movies did I have to choose from? "Epic" the poorly paced, weirdly timed, yet still beautiful movie? Two sequels and a prequel that were okay at best? This was original property, and better than most other animated movies that came out this year. Done and done.
Worst Animated
Turbo
I really wish I could meet the guy that thought this movie was a good idea, so I could personally escort him to the nearest mental health facility. "Hey, you know what would be a great idea? Make a snail as fast as a formula one car and enter him in the Indy 500" to which I reply "Doesn't that just seem like your just trying to be overly ironic?" Anyways. Besides the general premise of this movie, it all just seemed so lazy. Of course the villain of the movie has to be French, I am surprised that they didn't have him there with a knife and fork. Of course the moral of the story is caught between follow your dreams and the special part of you is you. You know why they think they can get away with story telling like this? Because they think the star power of the movie is enough to sell the tickets. Yes, the actors were great at doing the voices but that is like saying that smoking is going to give you cancer. We know Paul Giamatti, Samuel L. Jackson, and Michael Pena are going to be good, it goes with out saying, and if that is the only thing people can bring as a defense to this movie, I'm sorry it just isn't enough.
Dishonorable Mention) Planes
"Let's make a spinoff to Cars since that made so much money. We will still make it about racing, but this time the racer won't be built to go fast and we'll give him a really ironic phobia... like heights." Lazy writing, lazy writing, LAZY FUCKING WRITING! Ladies and gentleman I give you 2013, the year of irony.
Best Comic Book Movie
Kick Ass 2
Another movie that surprised the living hell out of me. Going into this I thought they were going to ruin the original concept of the original movie, which was: "What if a geek decided to put a costume on and go fight crime?" Not only did they keep that concept intact, they actually managed to due a better job at it than the original. I know a lot of loyalists are yelling at their screens right now but it is true. The moral of the story ended up being that the real heroes of the world are real people that take a stand against criminals/bullies, not the people in costumes. Not an original message but a welcome one in this era of comic book movies. Getting off the concept and message of the film, let's talk about the acting. Mainly, Jim Carrey. If there was ever anyone in the world that doubted Jim Carrey's ability to act outside of comedy, they can now look at this movie as a shining example of Jim Carrey's range. The rest of the cast was good; Jim Carrey was just better. The Jokes were pretty great, like Motherfucker saying that his superpower was being rich. The fight scenes were pretty awesome; the Hit Girl vs Mother Russia scene most of all (or really any fight scene with Mother Russia). Color me impressed by this, especially when the sequel comic book wasn't nearly as good as the movie.
Honorable Mention) Iron Man 3
We were all on the edge of our seats to see how "Post-Avengers" Marvel movies were going to turn out, and the verdict is: amazing. I liked the Thor sequel as well but this movie was just superior, when you look at it as being the best movie in the "Iron Man" trilogy. A pretty surprising ending and superb acting/storytelling set this movie above most of the other comic book movies this year.
Worst Comic Book Movie
Man of Steel
When you take into account that "Man of Steel" was a comic book movie this year, I guess my line about "Iron Man 3" being superior to most comic book movies this year loses some weight. Not only was this movie a bad comic book movie; not only was the movie a bad Superman movie; it was just a bad movie. I can respect that they didn't want to be like the comic books, or that they didn't want to be like the other movies, I just wish they could have tried to figure out what they actually wanted to do with this. Even if you don't compare it to the comic books the movie didn't make sense in its own realm. Why does Jor-El have a suit of armor in his lab if he was supposed to be bred for science not war? Why did he win against Zod the first time, shouldn't Zod have been bred to kick his ass? Since he did win doesn't the whole "being forced to follow a certain path" thing kind of lose its meaning, since he didn't follow his programming when he beat Zod? If Clark Kent was really trying to respect his human father's wishes why do we find him on one of the most dangerous jobs in the world as a man? So many unanswered questions, that this movie is laughing at us for trying to figure out. The extra characters that weren't Jor-El, Jonathan Kent, Zod or Superman all felt like set pieces. People that had to be there because it was a superman movie, not important to the plot in any other way (and yes that includes Lois Lane). They replaced any part of clarifying the story line with intense action scenes, because they heard that people didn't like the last movie due to "not enough action." I honestly feel bad for the people that had to be a part of this, especially Zack Snyder. He has done some great movies in his time, and it is horrible that the black mark on his record had to be this dark. At least I would feel bad for these people, if the box office reflected the movie's quality.
Dishonorable Mention) The Wolverine
Actually, I didn't mind this movie that much, besides "Man of Steel" they didn't have very many failures (in terms of comic book movies) this year. It was a little weird at times, and as far as X-Men goes its nothing we really haven't seen before. So, I guess that makes it worse than most of the other comic book movies the came out this year. So, yeah.
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Oh, what's that? "What about "R.E.D. 2" and "R.I.P.D.?" Yeah, I guess they were based of comic books, I couldn't tell with the barrel of a gun shaking in my mouth as I watched them. My mistake.
Best Movie Based Off of a Book
The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug
Hey, who says I am overly critical of a movie for not following the book? This movie made plenty of additions to the book and (if anything) the additions only improved it. Yeah, you guys are probably sharpening your replica "Sting" swords as I speak. Let me clarify. They didn't take anything out of the book, it was all still there, Peter Jackson just felt that he should fill the movie with more. I can never hold a director accountable for wanting to look at a book from a different angle. Hell, we as the reader try to read between the lines of books all the time. This guy just made what he read between the lines into a couple of scenes in the movie. What is there to say about this movie besides that? It's a "Hobbit/Lord of the Rings" movie. The acting was amazing, the music was amazing, the choreography was amazing, the effects were amazing, the movie was amazing. Nothing can be touched upon that hasn't been touched upon in the previous movies. These films are just superior, and each one that comes out proves that.
Honorable Mention) Hunger Games: Catching Fire
Okay, so I may have had a slight problem with what the creators decided to delete from this movie. Mainly when Haymitch's character suffered for their deletion. I'm still saying it was good, it just could have been better. At least the ending was left intact.
Worst Movie Based Off of a Book
Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters
There comes a time when being a failure the first time you make a movie isn't enough, you have to exceed your failure with a sequel. At least this is what it seems that the creators of the "Percy Jackson" films were saying to themselves when they released this movie. It was like seeing the cliff notes version of a movie mixed with a director's thoughts of how the book should have ended without actually reading the ending. It's really hard for me not to be pissed off about how far off from the book this was, but I'll try to give a review of this movie that isn't laced with fanboy rage. There were only two good actors in it, and one was only in it for about a tenth of the film. The other actors seemed to be trying out for a high school play. The story line (away from the book) was all over the place, lacked pace and (more so) depth. Umm... the effects were cheap and bland, like they were trying to CGI by numbers. Umm....hmmm. Okay, so that is the part of my review that isn't pissed off about the book, but I need to get this off my chest. How the hell are you going to put Cronos in the second movie, you uncultured hacks. Seriously, in what universe was it a good idea to have Percy Jackson beat Cronos so early in the series. Oh, I'm sorry; did I spoil this piece of garbage movie for someone among the one percent of people that actually still give a shit about this series after the first disaster? Deal with it. The only thing that could make me even remotely happy about seeing this movie in the first place is if they decided that the final fight scene with Cronos meant they were going to stop destroying this book series.
Dishonorable Mention) The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones
This movie set a new standard for being mediocre. Their were plenty of parts in it from the book but the reveal at the end makes me think that there is no point in making the other books into movies, the acting ranged from decent to awful, the fight scenes were kind of interesting but overall lacked appeal, and.... you really want to know why "World War Z" isn't on here, don't you? Okay guys, let's talk about "World War Z" real quick. The movie was good. It may have had little to nothing to do with the book of the same name, but if you look at it away from the book as a guideline it really is an interesting watch. Deal with it, Max Brooks fans. Now you get to feel how we felt when they came out with "The Hulk." When everyone was telling us it was good and we couldn't look past it being so far off of the comic book.
Best movie
Gravity
If it wasn't for "Gravity," "Pacific Rim" might have actually taken most visually appealing movie of the year. It wasn't only beautiful just for the special effects; the cinematography was legendary. The shots that were taken in this movie (even during the action sequences) should be in some kind of art museum. Aside from that, it was really refreshing to see Sandra Bullock finally do well in a dramatic role, and George Clooney is always spectacular. The survivor story line they set up was generally appealing especially when they started making Sandra Bullock hallucinate. It kept you on the edge of your seat and made you think; even more than that, it did what I keep saying movies should be trying to do. It was entertaining. They could have just made some bland movie about an astronaut trapped in space but ended up making this movie that led you on a roller coaster of emotions. This movie could have fallen flat on its face, but instead rose to the occasion and kept us interested the entire way through. Please respect that I am not a science major, and I don't know if everything in the movie was scientifically accurate, nor do I give a shit. It was a good movie and whether or not it was scientifically accurate really doesn't make a difference in my opinion of the film.
Honorable Mention) The Book Thief
Okay so big reveal time. I wasn't able to see "Her," "12 years a Slave," or "Saving Mr. Banks." From what I hear those movies would have probably knocked this off of my honorable mention, so I am sorry I have been in a country where my resources for good cinema are limited. I can't remember if I read this book in middle school or not so that is why it is not among the other movies in "Best Movie Adaptation of a Book." It was good though, excellent in fact. I liked the narrator, the story line following people that weren't necessarily Nazi undesirables, and the child actors in this make me think I need to make a new child actor list.
Worst Movie
The Lone Ranger
It's funny really. The movie is called "The Lone Ranger" but Johnny Depp has top billing as Tonto. That should have prepared for what was to come with this, but I don't think anything could have prepared me for the absolute shit this movie turned out to be. So let's look at "Tonto: The Movie" shall we? Aside from the whole ridiculously offensive nature of Mr. Depp's character, apparently he forgot how to act like someone that isn't Capatain Jack Sparrow. That is depressing, but really there isn't a whole lot of this movie that isn't depressing. Armie Hammer is a good actor and his abilities are squandered here, Johnny Depp is growing to big for his britches when he is allowed to make creative additions to the story line (just because he got it right once in Pirates, doesn't mean he is a creative genius), they make too many obscure references to a franchise that is over half a century old. Aside from all this, the real killer for the movie was the story line; then again, that is always a killer for any movie. I don't know who was calling for a "Lone Ranger" movie, but I wasn't one of them, and even if I was I would certainly have been calling for a better movie.
Dishonorable Mention) Jobs
Sometimes a movie comes along that just wants to watch the world of apple burn, or at least not pay the proper amount of respect to the person it is trying to idolize. Don't get me wrong, I love it when movies about influential people make them human instead of some sort of Superman, but when this movie did that it didn't feel natural. All of the negative aspects about Steve Jobs felt forced, the pacing was really off (some times the movie felt like it was moving in fast forward, other times it felt like slow motion), Ashton Kutcher was a horrible choice for this role, and what's worse is that it seemed like he was trying to prove it. Steve Jobs deserved better, the audience deserved better, hell even Ashton Kutcher deserved better.
That's it for this list ladies and gentleman. I wish you all a happy New Year when it comes around, and wish us all a great movie going experience in the days to come. If you want my opinion on other categories this year, go ahead and check the pictures below. Why am I giving you more categories in a separate small list below? I didn't see enough movies this year to have a total of twelve good categories and their bad counter parts; I also didn't want to leave you all without at least mentioning some of these movies. So here we go, LIGHTNING ROUND!
Best Horror
The Conjuring
Actually scared me, which has been hard to do since "Paranormal Activity" started breeding into other shitty movies.
Honorable Mention)Evil Dead
Amazing adaptation of the original, brought it into the new world in style with over the top gore and over the top everything.
Worst Horror
Insidious: Chapter 2
I found a contender for worst horror series in history; this took any appeal/mystery the first one offered and killed it.
Dishonorable Mention)Every Horror that came out that wasn't "Evil Dead" and "The Conjuring"
If a horror movie is not scary, it is a bad horror movie. Since the only two scary horror movies this year were the two mentioned movies, all other movies can go choose another genre.
Most Surprisingly Good
Prisoners
I thought this was just going to be another revenge movie; instead I got an intense mystery that kept me enthralled through out the entire running time.
Honorable Mention) White House Down
I thought it was going to be another "Olympus Has Fallen;" instead I got another "Die Hard." Thank you for showing up that series in the same year they released a fifth installment.
Most Disappointingly awful
The Purge
Such an amazing concept, wasted on them transforming it into a slasher movie. Equated to: a reason that we can say they didn't try to call 911.
Dishonorable Mention) Riddick
Had so much hope for this movie. I loved the first, liked the second, and then this made it abundantly clear that Vin Diesel needs to stop making these movies.
Best Revival of a Series
Oz: The Great and Powerful
A good homage to "The Wizard of Oz" and very beautiful. This seemed to be the year of Franco, he did amazing in everything I saw him in (even with what I said about "This is The End").
Honorable Mention) The Fast and the Furious 6
The most interested I have been in the series since it first came to the theaters. Generally enthralling and even had a magic runway in it.
Worst Revival of a Series
A Good Day to Die Hard
You should be embarrassed when another movie is better at "Die Hard-ing" than you are. Shame on you for making this every man into Rambo.
Dishonorable Mention) Carrie
I didn't mind this movie per se, I just wished for more from it. It was basically like watching the movie from the seventies, but with new technology. Nothing a remake should try to be.
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