2014 Worst Awards

Remember my list from a few days ago, well for every positive there is a negative, for light there is dark, for every good day there is one that makes you want to curse the fates. I am talking of course about the worst movies of 2014. The same rules that applied to yesterday, apply today. I will only be covering movies that I have reviewed in some fashion, and I wasn't able to see everything this year. So, let's get this shit show started with...

Worst Animated

Nominees: Planes: Fire and Rescue; Penguins of Madagascar; Mr. Peabody and Sherman

Winner - Planes: Fire and Rescue

So we all know that I love animation, right? Well this is the dark part of animation. The money grubbing soul stealing, piece of shit, that only exists to turn a profit off of the sheep children that beg their mommy and daddy for a Dusty Crophopper toy. This movie wasn't entertaining on any level to me, and what is worse is that the children in the theater where I was watching were bored and asking when the movie was going to end. When you can't appeal to the target audience you have failed utterly and completely.

Worst Horror

Nominees: Ouija; Devil's Due; Leprechaun: Origins; As Above so Below

Winner - As Above so Below

So, what's worse than a horror movie that never scares you? Could it be a horror movie that never scares you, with home video styled shooting? Well yes, but it is also all of these things, mixed with some of the worst acting you have ever seen in a horror movie (which is saying something), and an ending that is so infuriating it will make you want to give up on the genre entirely. This was a hard choice at first, but at least I can say Ouija and Leprechaun: Origins might get some laughs in the "so bad it is good" department, and Devil's Due tried harder. I looked back at when I first saw this movie, and became so irritated that my choice soon became clear. This movie is an embarrassment, and should be stricken from the records for good.   

Worst Comedy

Nominees:  Dumb and Dumber to; Ride Along; That Awkward Moment; A Million Ways to Die in the West

Winner: Dumb and Dumber: To

Wow, this one hurt to put on here. I mean it is Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels, I was hoping for so much from this movie, despite the feelings in the back of my head telling me not to get my hopes up. I did laugh at one point, but it was only due to me being a child and finding the comedic value in fart jokes. Everyone in this movie seemed so bored to be there, like they were doing someone a favor, and not getting paid for it. There was one good actress in it, but not enough to combat the severe depression the cast seemed to be going through. I hope Jim Carrey gets back on the ball, and I hope for more seasons of The Newsroom, just never revisit this series. For all of us, and for you. 

Worst Action

Nominees: 3 Days to Kill; Need for Speed, Non- Stop

Winner - Need for Speed

How do make your appearance to the big screen, after being a major part of one of the best series in recent memory? Apparently you make a shitty car movie, based on an out of date racing video game. Don't get me wrong if they were to do a movie on this series, I didn't expect to just see people driving around; but, I at least expected some semblance of intrigue. Aaron Paul tried his best (bless his little heart), but the supporting cast was just so bad they made everything seem like it was being put together by an amateur. I can only hope that Aaron starts making better choices for his career, because both movies he was in this year were some of the worst I have seen. 

Worst Comic Book

Nominees: The Amazing Spider-Man 2; Sin City: A Dame to Kill for

Winner - The Amazing Spider-Man 2

Everyone knew this was going to make an appearance. I was going to put Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as a nominee, but that movie was so bad I couldn't see a comparison to any medium that the turtles had been in before. The question for this is not what went wrong with the movie, that would take an entire page for me to list in its completely. Instead, what went right? Well.... ummm... it looked pretty. Emma Stone is a good actress... I mean not in this, but she is.  Fine, it is too hard for me to think of the things that went right with this movie. Quick synopsis of what made this movie crap: Jamie Foxx gave one of the worst performances in his career, Andrew Garfield is sill a bad Spider-Man, the Green Goblin, the story, the Rhino, the pacing, the music, almost every single conceivable thing that could have went wrong in this movie did. Fuck this movie off back to hell from whence it came. 

Worst Novel Adaptation

Nominees: Divergent; The Maze Runner

Winner: The Maze Runner

If I wanted to blame Harry Potter and Twilight for anything regarding today's cinematic choices, I have to blame them for the ridiculous onslaught of young adult novel series being turned into movies. This movie had a lot to offer us, but fell short at the finish line. A cast that seemed fair enough, felt crippled by inexperience. An ending that should have done more than try to shock the audience into submission, did little in the ways of making anyone hold interest. This movie was a convoluted mess, and proves the rule that not every series needs a movie. 

Worst Religious

Nominees: Son of God; Exodus: Gods and Kings

Winner - Exodus: Gods and Kings

White washing? Oh no, there is far worse than that here (even though it is pretty bad). The acting was off and broken, with Christian Bale refusing the opportunity to garner some "good will" back from audiences. The effects were laughable for a "high budget, religious film," and the team surrounding them should join the team surrounding Green Lantern under a rock somewhere. The trailers promised audiences everywhere action, and delivered on a whole five minutes of bad fight scenes. It is like the only material that this movie was banking on was: the appeal of religion, and notable actors; but when you are beaten by a movie that has the budget for something straight-to-TV, we have a problem. Now do the honorable thing, and pray for forgiveness. 

Worst Science Fiction

Nominees: Robocop; Transcendence; Godzilla; Transformers: Age of Extinction 

Winner - Robocop

This movie had an uphill battle right from jump street.Trying to recapture an amazingly, classic movie, (when two sequels failed) was never going to be easy. Thinking that a deceptively smart movie with a ton of gore, would do well as a mindless PG-13 action movie was not only the wrong choice, but also insane. I am not a purist when it comes to remaking classic movies; but, at least attempt to try and do the first film some justice. This movie had laughable acting, embarrassing call backs to a far superior film, and did a poor job at replacing the draw of gore with the lack of substance given by CGI. What was the point in this? I don't know.... maybe they were thinking it would be worth a dollar.   

Worst Acting - Male

Nominees: Andrew Garfield: Amazing Spider-Man 2; Christian Bale: Exodus: Gods and Kings; Theo James: Divergent; Mark Wahlberg: Transformers: Age of Extinction

Winner - Mark Wahlberg

"I think we found a Transformer." I think Michael Bay should get an A for effort, but needs to stop. Mark Wahlberg is always going to be a better choice for an action movie than Shia LePlagiarist; but only when he is used right. Using him right is not: relying on his status as a pretty boy actor that looks good in fifty different angles, slamming his fist to the ground in slow motion. I'm actually a fan of Markie Mark nine times out of ten, but this movie gets to join The Happening in "movies that he just should have avoided." or maybe "movies he should have tried harder in." 

 

Worst Acting - Female

Nominees: Megan Fox: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; Kate Upton: The Other Woman; Jessica Alba: Sin City: A dame to Kill for

Winner - Megan Fox

Can anyone think of a reason why this woman can't seem to just call it quits and become a model? This movie is yet another nail in the coffin for her acting career, but I might not want to say that because apparently the "people that like seeing untalented, attractive actresses" is still a target audience. In her time away from acting she didn't seem to learn how to emote, and it is a weird day when I can put Kristen Stewart on a list of best, and call Megan Fox out for emoting. She seemed to want to make fun of herself by playing a news reporter that wanted to be taken for more than just her looks alone; but, there is a way she can be taken more seriously as an actor. It is simple. Either go to acting school, or get out of the damn game. 

Worst Movie

Nominees: As Above so Below; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Exodus: Gods and Kings; The Amazing Spider-Man 2; Ouija

Winner - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

This was a difficult year to try and choose a top spot for "most hated movie," and I wanted to roll a D20 and let fate decide. Instead, I thought about how angry I was after watching, and how long that anger lasted. I have calmed down about every other movie on this list, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles still makes me foam at the mouth with rage. Let's look past the turtles and Master Splinter looking weird, and the horrendous acting. Let's look past Michael Bay. The story for this movie was a shit show. Plot development, backstory, character development, everything about this movie just screamed "We're hear to make money off of the name!" This movie worked on absolutely no level, and it is hard to think of anything that failed more ferociously than this horrendously, awful piece of garbage. I award you no points Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and may god have mercy on your soul.