Top 12 Better Batman Choices

Greetings, readers, and thank you for looking at this issue of Dustin's Dirty Dozen. It has recently come to my attention that the upcoming "Batman/Superman" movie will star Ben Affleck as Bruce Wayne. I have nothing wrong with Ben Affleck as an actor, but he has already proven to me and the rest of the world that he can't play a dark, brooding character when he tried to play Daredevil. Other than that movie and Gigli, his track record is pretty much spotless. So I thought I would humor the bulk of my readers and fan the flames of this already large fire by making my list of top 12 better Batman choices. A lot of these choices are going to be based around an actor's ability to go from zero to flip shit in a short amount of time or just their ability to be a chameleon. The body archetype for a Batman role is pretty easy to fill. Be anywhere from 5'4 to 6'5, defined and not bulky big (so that cuts out Dwayne Johnson), and be attractive to at least a select audience. Age doesn't really play too much of a hand in my decision. So lets get this blaze rolling through the trees and make ourselves a forest fire.

12) Viggo Mortensen

Ok, so he's 54 years old; the man can act. The main reason he is on this list is for his role in "A History of Violence", he played troubled soul alongside double-life ass kicker very well, which is pretty much Batman/Bruce Wayne. If you look at the man's filmography, even aside from playing Aragorn, they are all different in some way and he always plays them differently. You have protective father/dark, seen-too-much-stuff guy in The Road. You have a caring, nurturing, horse owner in Hidalgo. Every Character he plays is somewhat different which makes him a chameleon. In fact the only reason he is so high up on the list is because of his age. Age doesn't play much of a hand in the decision process, but it is still a common deterrent.    

11) Tom Cruise

Hey this guy is 51; at least we are heading in the right direction, right? Plus, he already plays a guy that can go from zero to flip shit in a matter of seconds by being Tom Cruise. Seriously, though, say what you want about the man's personal life but his talent speaks for itself. Never plays the same character twice unless he has to do a sequel. Has only done a couple of bad movies and even though they were bad he was still good in them. Ethan Hunt, Stacee Jaxx, Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg, Jerry McGuire, and Maverick are all completely separate characters played masterfully by Tom Cruise. Now I think he can dawn the cape and cowl of Batman just to have that one movie to set him over the top. If the aliens can make me act like this guy I will let them beam me up willingly.

10) Colin Farrell

AHA! 37 perfect age.This guy has run into a string of horrible luck with movies and with the frequency that they have come out it can make people think that he is not good even though he is phenomenal. You take movies like "In Bruges" or "Seven Psychopaths" that weren't advertised that well and turn out to be good. You take movies like "Total Recall", "Miami Vice", "Daredevil", "The New World" or "Alexander" that were advertised all over but were shit. Then people start getting a misconception about what you can do and take the movie "Fright Night" to be shitty even though it was pretty good. He can play a Batman/Bruce Wayne, because even though that movie is probably going to be horrible he needs the chance to make it better.  

9) Aaron Eckhart

Whoops! 45 years old went back up again. Oh well, I bet you already know the biggest reason he is on this list. If you can play two face the way this guy played two face you can play anything. He doesn't necessarily have a spotless track record on the movies he has played in but just like every good actor he does the best with what he can. From playing the president in "Olympus has Fallen" to playing a Staff Seargent in "Battle Los Angeles". From a fast talking business associate in "Thank You for Smoking" to Two Face in "The Dark Knight," the man has paid enough dues that he deserves the chance to play almost the exact opposite of Two Face by playing Batman/Bruce Wayne. 

8) Clive Owen

Damnit all! 48 years old I went up again. He does not look it, especially when he was in "The Intruders" or "Killer Elite." The main reason he is on this list though is for his role in "Shoot 'Em Up" playing a calm, cool and collected killer that can seriously mess your world up. Correct me if I am wrong, but I viewed that movie as a satire on Shoot 'em Up movies. So that means that he can play comedy along with action, drama and Horror. A jack of all trades and king of none. The only reason he is not a king of all is because of who is at the number 2 spot on the list. I don't think anyone is dethroning that guy anytime soon.

7) Micheal Fassbender

Alright 36 years old back on track. Yes, Magneto himself has made the list. Besides playing an amazing young Magneto, he is totally warranted for being on this list. He gets type cast as the villain probably because of his menacing way like in "Prometheus" but still plays a decent hero like in "300" or "Inglorious Basterds." He just needs a role that can show him as a little bit of both, and Batman/Bruce Wayne would be perfect. I can just imagine him trying to mask his voice, and already that makes him better than Christian Bale. At least from my imagination.

6) Brad Pitt

49 years old and were back up like the stock market. Brad Pitt hasn't done a bad movie that I can think of yet, so unlike most of the actors on this list his record is unblemished. Even "Mr. and Mrs Smith" was pretty decent for what it was. In every way conceivable he is amazing in anything that touches him and everything that touches him is different. "Troy," "Fight Club," "Snatch," "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button," "Inglorious Basterds," "Seven," the list does go on from there, but I am going to try not to ramble. The point is from "Fight Club," I know he can go from zero to flip shit in the blink of an eye and from all of his works combined I know he can basically play any role and fit that role.

5) Eric Bana

At 45 years old it looks like the stock took another hit. Eric Bana needs a chance to redeem himself to the comic book world for "Hulk". It has been long enough I think that he deserves a second shot, and he is just the right build for Batman. If you look at his other movies, he steals any scene he is acting in. Whether he is in "Black Hawk Down" saying "This is my safety" or "Star Trek" yelling "Fire everything!" at the top of his lungs, he is a terrific albeit under sung actor. I believe that he would prowl the rooftops of Gotham even better than when he protected the streets of Troy.

4) Robert Downey Jr.

48 years old, in all honesty, I could have called that. Let's get the obvious out of the way. Of course I know Iron Man and Batman for all intents and purposes are two completely different people. Now that it's said, Robert Downey Jr. has proved to us that he can play a drunk billionaire playboy which is what Bruce Wayne's character is trying to be. In complete reality, the character of Batman is all about "inception" as an actor; you have to be a dark past vigilante who acts like a brat when out of costume, but only when in the presence of people that don't already know your secret identity. In a sense you have to be three different people; the playboy, Batman when talking to loved ones, and Batman when fighting crime. That would be a taxing job on any actor but a challenge that I think Robert Downey Jr. is ready and raring to meet. If he hit the gym and aged back 10 years I would say he might very well be my number one.

3) Bradley Cooper

38 years old right back to the perfect zone of age. This guy has come out of completely the left field. I couldn't have called him being as absolutely amazing as he has become, and I think it is about time that he gets his big budget blockbuster. I know he is rumored to be doing the voice of Rocket Raccoon in the upcoming "Guardians of the Galaxy" movie, but only a couple of actors ever really get remembered for voice work by the general public. I know this guy can go from zero to Nucking Futs quickly all because of... actually everything that he has been in aside from "The Hangover" and "The A-Team." "Silver Linings Playbook" is really the best example. In the movie, if he would have been more suave in points, you could have put pointy ears on him and I would have said Batman.

2) Leonardo Di Caprio

Yes, 38 years old didn't lose it. Did you know that in his role of "Django Unchained" during the scene where he broke the skull, Leonardo DiCaprio actually cut his hand wide open. The rest of the actors were a little nervous and looking towards Quentin Tarantino for what to do but Leo did not miss a beat in the scene. Quentin Tarantino ended up using that scene in the final cut of the film. Just proving that Leo is crazily dedicated to his craft. I know that if he were to hurt himself in a scene of a Batman movie (let's say fall harder than expected from a set piece) that he wouldn't let that effect his performance. Besides his dedication, the man is a genius when it comes to acting that (at the risk of jumping on another bandwagon) the academy has foolishly refused to recognize. This is Bruce Wayne; this is Batman; hell, he is probably Jesus Christ if Mel Gibson wanted him to be.

1) A no name

Here is a fun game. Take a shot every time I use the word predisposition in my reasoning for the number 1.

Do you want to know why some of the actors mentioned so far, or the honorable mention below, or Ben Affleck, sound like horrible ideas? It is because we have seen these men in enough movies that we have formed a predisposition of what to expect from them. We assume that they are going to act one way or the other, because of what we have seen from them before, and don't give them the opportunity to show us otherwise. Whether we like it or not, these predispositions will follow us into the theater and ultimately effect our opinion. I am guilty of this as well, of course, because at first I don't see Ben Affleck as a good Batman, but if I get right down to it I don't see anyone else either. Batman is such an iconic character that his shoes have become almost impossible to fill if you have a history. While the age, build, or look of a no name will still haunt him while he is portraying the role, he doesn't have the personality predisposition that all of the others have. We can look at them with fresh eyes and make an opinion based solely on their performance. I know that all of these actors have paid enough dues to have earned a position for a character of this magnitude, but I also feel that an iconic role can be a due in and of itself. If you don't believe anything I just said, let's look at Christian Bale. Before Batman he was basically a no name only doing minor roles, and the starring roles he was in were cult classics or indie. Now people know him as Batman, my own opinion on his talents withstanding. He owns that title forever in the eyes of the general public which you can take as a good thing or a bad thing. So let's give an up-and-comer a shot. Plus, if the guy sucks, the box office would probably be big enough that we would never have to hear from him again since he will be too busy burning cigars with hundred dollar bills.

HM)Will Smith

I will give a director all the credit in the world if he were to play around with the ethnic background of Batman. That is really the only way that I could see this character revitalized in a fresh light. Nothing says that a black Batman would be any worse than a white one, plus it would open so many more doors for them to go through story-line wise. Will Smith could play anything (given he has the option of crying during the role) and Batman is no different.

Next time on Dustin's Dirty Dozen: The beginning of animation month, hitting the ground running again with Top 12 Disney Hand Drawn Animated Movies.