Top 12 Awards for the Year: The Best and Worst

Hello loyal readers, and welcome to another issue of Dustin's Dirty Dozen. This week we take a look back into the year of 2013 while we get ready for 2014. I had a bit of trouble figuring out how I was going to go about this issue (since I have been stuck in a place where the only guaranteed way to see a movie is by illegally downloading it and I try not to do that), so I came up with an award show. These are the best and worst moments from the year of 2013, as always you may agree or strongly disagree, but I don't know if I could really care about that right now. Looking back on this year, it comes to my attention that this was a weird year for film. A lot of surprisingly good movies, a lot of sequels, a lot of disappointingly horrendous movies. Let's look at it this way, I didn't even expect to like "Frozen" or "Evil Dead" when I heard about them, but now they are some of the best movies of the year. Anyways, let's party like it's 2014 and get this started.

Best Sci Fi

Pacific Rim

Who didn't see this coming? If you follow me on Facebook, you know that this was one of my favorite movies of the year; however, even if you don't, if you saw it you understand completely. I have hard time describing in words exactly how this movie made me feel while watching it. The best I could muster was "it made me feel like a five year old at the fourth of July." In the theater I constantly made statements (to no one but myself really) like "Holy Cow DID YOU SEE THAT?!" or "That is SO AWESOME!" It had me on the edge of my seat, and thoroughly entertained (which in the end is what a movie is supposed to do). Now I am not too blinded by the spectacle to not see the faults of this movie. Yes, the acting was a little bad at times (except for Idris Elba, that man stole every scene he was in), and the people representing different countries were very stereotypical. In terms of story line, and graphical achievement this movie was nearly perfect (even with its other slight foibles). Guillermo del Toro really hit this one straight out of the park, and if you haven't seen this movie, what are you doing reading this? Go see it. It is out on DVD and BluRay right now. Go rent it, go stream it, don't illegally download it because this movie has had enough trouble with "Grown Ups 2" stealing the box office from it.

Honorable Mention) Elysium

Neill Blomkamp is quite an impressive director. "District 9" was original and inspiring and this was no different. If Disney were looking for someone to replace J.J. Abrams for the director of Star Wars (or if the world were looking for someone to replace J.J. Abrams as a thing that exists) I nominate Neill first.

Worst Sci fi

Star Trek: Into Darkness

I could sit here and rant to you about J.J. Abrams, but I feel like you all want me to talk about this movie. Fuck it, I'll talk about the movie later. We as the world need to ban J.J. Abrams from making movies forever, and this movie is a shining example of why that is. He is the least original, least creative, least talented director in the current generation. The only way his movie's even reach the status of "OK" (like the first "Star Trek" or "Super 8") is because of his actors, not his ability to direct them. I don't even know if I can put some of his actors on that high of a pedestal when he puts Chris Pine as THE lead role in the remake of a sacred geek series. In closing to this little rant, Fuck J.J. Abrams and if he screws up the next three "Star Wars" he is not worth a fan base (which there is for some reason) period. Anyways, let's talk about this abomination. The only thing I can say to defend J.J. Abrams and this movie is that it takes some major balls to try and take on the legend of "Star Trek" that is "Wrath of Kahn." That being said, I didn't pay to see "Wrath of Kahn" with role reversal. Nor did I pay to see that Chris Pine still doesn't have this whole "acting" thing down yet. I damn sure didn't pay to see the most confusing end sequence in "Star Trek's" history. What is that you ask? Oh, Kahn's blood saves Kirk from death. I would have said spoiler warning but this movie is not worth any part of geek tradition.

Dishonorable Mention) After Earth

Unlike the director above, M. Night Shyamalan used to have some real talent ("Unbreakable", "Signs", "The Sixth Sense") so it is really disheartening to see a director that had so much potential doing movies like this. Jaden Smith can't act, the story was convoluted and awkward, the ending was predictable (which is weird for Shyamalan).

Best Comedy

This is the End

This movie had some of the best dialogue I have heard in a while. I know, I know, everything was predictable in the movie story line-wise; however, I don't go to a comedy for terrific story line, I go for good dialogue and to laugh. You just can't beat some of these lines "You don't have enough bullets, bitch." or "Guess what? It's not that compelling." If you saw the movie, you understand the significance of these lines; if you haven't, go see the movie. There are points in the movie where you think that this is how the actors actually act in real life, which is pretty impressive. The people that really stole the show here were Danny McBride and Michael Cera (yes, all ten minutes of the movie Michael Cera was in) they had not only the best characters, but some of the best lines or scenes in the film. Everyone else did well, Jay Baruchel made a nice home as a hipster, Seth Rogan was Seth Rogan, Jonah Hill made a convincing secret asshole, and Craig Robinson was pretty awesome. I don't know what to say about James Franco except that he seemed like his character in "Pineapple Express" but less stupid.

Honorable Mention)We're the Millers

You want to talk about movies that surprised the hell out of me? This right here. I expected this to be one of the worst comedies this year, but (like the movie above) the dialogue in this was superb and won me over.

Worst Comedy

Grown Ups 2

How the mighty have fallen, huh Adam Sandler? You go from doing a great movie like "Funny People" to following it up with "Jack and Jill." You go from doing a generally okay movie like "Grown Ups" and follow it up with a shitty sequel. When I saw this movie, I went with a friend that accused me of being too hard on this, because I was generally upset by it taking "Pacific Rim's" box office. I would say that my predisposition to this movie affected my overall opinion of it, but I won't since the movie was actually just bad. Many of the jokes in it didn't fit the scene, like making fun of Shaq's free throws for no other reason but to make fun of his real life handicap in a fictional movie. The jokes that did fit the scenes fell short of actually being funny. In fact the only funny part of the movie were the jokes about the frat guys, and even they were merely "chuckle worthy". The only time I found myself laughing was when I was laughing at myself for going to see this absolutely horrendous piece of garbage. I was also told that I didn't get most of the "jokes" because I didn't live in the eighties, which is an interesting theory if there had been more parts of the movie that had to do with the eighties besides one party scene. It was just bad, people. Bad/lazy writing, worse acting, and even worse characters. I don't have to be born in a different generation to see how utterly shit this movie was.

Dishonorable Mention) A Haunted House

It was like seeing the Wayans brothers make a movie to say "we don't have it anymore and we're tired of making films." The thought of seeing a movie that makes fun of a movie series I absolutely loath ("Paranormal Activity") was appealing, but I just got disappointed when I went to see it. Guess I really have to start adopting the pessimist way of thinking.  

Best Animated

Frozen

Putting this movie up here as the "Best Animated Movie of the Year," I fear, doesn't do it justice entirely; but since I am not so impressed to put it up here as "Best Movie" I guess this will have to do. It may not have been the best movie of the year, but it was one of them and I can't stress enough how much I was impressed by Disney finally changing up there formula. This is what I like to call "evolutionary" for a company that seemed way too set in their ways to ever do something surprising. The music was amazing and utterly addicting, I bought the soundtrack the next day and listened to it on repeat for a while. The voice acting away from the music was masterful as always. The story line and ending were the real gems for this movie, and I can only say that you might actually be surprised when you see it (so I don't ruin it). If you're a Disney fan this is the movie you have been waiting a while to see, if you don't see animated movies all the time you'll still like it, and if you have children I highly recommend that you take them to see this.

Honoable Mention) The Crood's

It's a more realistic "The Flintstones" and completely harmless. Plus, I'm pretty sure my readers have a slight idea of how I feel about Nick Cage, so realize that it took a lot for me to say this was actually good. Not great, but what other movies did I have to choose from? "Epic" the poorly paced, weirdly timed, yet still beautiful movie? Two sequels and a prequel that were okay at best? This was original property, and better than most other animated movies that came out this year. Done and done.

Worst Animated

Turbo

I really wish I could meet the guy that thought this movie was a good idea, so I could personally escort him to the nearest mental health facility. "Hey, you know what would be a great idea? Make a snail as fast as a formula one car and enter him in the Indy 500" to which I reply "Doesn't that just seem like your just trying to be overly ironic?" Anyways. Besides the general premise of this movie, it all just seemed so lazy. Of course the villain of the movie has to be French, I am surprised that they didn't have him there with a knife and fork. Of course the moral of the story is caught between follow your dreams and the special part of you is you. You know why they think they can get away with story telling like this? Because they think the star power of the movie is enough to sell the tickets. Yes, the actors were great at doing the voices but that is like saying that smoking is going to give you cancer. We know Paul Giamatti, Samuel L. Jackson, and Michael Pena are going to be good, it goes with out saying, and if that is the only thing people can bring as a defense to this movie, I'm sorry it just isn't enough. 

Dishonorable Mention) Planes

"Let's make a spinoff to Cars since that made so much money. We will still make it about racing, but this time the racer won't be built to go fast and we'll give him a really ironic phobia... like heights." Lazy writing, lazy writing, LAZY FUCKING WRITING! Ladies and gentleman I give you 2013, the year of irony.

Best Comic Book Movie

Kick Ass 2

Another movie that surprised the living hell out of me. Going into this I thought they were going to ruin the original concept of the original movie, which was: "What if a geek decided to put a costume on and go fight crime?" Not only did they keep that concept intact, they actually managed to due a better job at it than the original. I know a lot of loyalists are yelling at their screens right now but it is true. The moral of the story ended up being that the real heroes of the world are real people that take a stand against criminals/bullies, not the people in costumes. Not an original message but a welcome one in this era of comic book movies. Getting off the concept and message of the film, let's talk about the acting. Mainly, Jim Carrey. If there was ever anyone in the world that doubted Jim Carrey's ability to act outside of comedy, they can now look at this movie as a shining example of Jim Carrey's range. The rest of the cast was good; Jim Carrey was just better. The Jokes were pretty great, like Motherfucker saying that his superpower was being rich. The fight scenes were pretty awesome; the Hit Girl vs Mother Russia scene most of all (or really any fight scene with Mother Russia). Color me impressed by this, especially when the sequel comic book wasn't nearly as good as the movie.

Honorable Mention) Iron Man 3

We were all on the edge of our seats to see how "Post-Avengers" Marvel movies were going to turn out, and the verdict is: amazing. I liked the Thor sequel as well but this movie was just superior, when you look at it as being the best movie in the "Iron Man" trilogy. A pretty surprising ending and superb acting/storytelling set this movie above most of the other comic book movies this year.

Worst Comic Book Movie

Man of Steel

When you take into account that "Man of Steel" was a comic book movie this year, I guess my line about "Iron Man 3" being superior to most comic book movies this year loses some weight. Not only was this movie a bad comic book movie; not only was the movie a bad Superman movie; it was just a bad movie. I can respect that they didn't want to be like the comic books, or that they didn't want to be like the other movies, I just wish they could have tried to figure out what they actually wanted to do with this. Even if you don't compare it to the comic books the movie didn't make sense in its own realm. Why does Jor-El have a suit of armor in his lab if he was supposed to be bred for science not war? Why did he win against Zod the first time, shouldn't Zod have been bred to kick his ass? Since he did win doesn't the whole "being forced to follow a certain path" thing kind of lose its meaning, since he didn't follow his programming when he beat Zod? If Clark Kent was really trying to respect his human father's wishes why do we find him on one of the most dangerous jobs in the world as a man? So many unanswered questions, that this movie is laughing at us for trying to figure out. The extra characters that weren't Jor-El, Jonathan Kent, Zod or Superman all felt like set pieces. People that had to be there because it was a superman movie, not important to the plot in any other way (and yes that includes Lois Lane). They replaced any part of clarifying the story line with intense action scenes, because they heard that people didn't like the last movie due to "not enough action." I honestly feel bad for the people that had to be a part of this, especially Zack Snyder. He has done some great movies in his time, and it is horrible that the black mark on his record had to be this dark. At least I would feel bad for these people, if the box office reflected the movie's quality.

Dishonorable Mention) The Wolverine

Actually, I didn't mind this movie that much, besides "Man of Steel" they didn't have very many failures (in terms of comic book movies) this year. It was a little weird at times, and as far as X-Men goes its nothing we really haven't seen before. So, I guess that makes it worse than most of the other comic book movies the came out this year. So, yeah.

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Oh, what's that? "What about "R.E.D. 2" and "R.I.P.D.?" Yeah, I guess they were based of comic books, I couldn't tell with the barrel of a gun shaking in my mouth as I watched them. My mistake.

Best Movie Based Off of a Book

The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug

Hey, who says I am overly critical of a movie for not following the book? This movie made plenty of additions to the book and (if anything) the additions only improved it. Yeah, you guys are probably sharpening your replica "Sting" swords as I speak. Let me clarify. They didn't take anything out of the book, it was all still there, Peter Jackson just felt that he should fill the movie with more. I can never hold a director accountable for wanting to look at a book from a different angle. Hell, we as the reader try to read between the lines of books all the time. This guy just made what he read between the lines into a couple of scenes in the movie. What is there to say about this movie besides that? It's a "Hobbit/Lord of the Rings" movie. The acting was amazing, the music was amazing, the choreography was amazing, the effects were amazing, the movie was amazing. Nothing can be touched upon that hasn't been touched upon in the previous movies. These films are just superior, and each one that comes out proves that. 

Honorable Mention) Hunger Games: Catching Fire

Okay, so I may have had a slight problem with what the creators decided to delete from this movie. Mainly when Haymitch's character suffered for their deletion. I'm still saying it was good, it just could have been better. At least the ending was left intact. 

Worst Movie Based Off of a Book

Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters

There comes a time when being a failure the first time you make a movie isn't enough, you have to exceed your failure with a sequel. At least this is what it seems that the creators of the "Percy Jackson" films were saying to themselves when they released this movie. It was like seeing the cliff notes version of a movie mixed with a director's thoughts of how the book should have ended without actually reading the ending. It's really hard for me not to be pissed off about how far off from the book this was, but I'll try to give a review of this movie that isn't laced with fanboy rage. There were only two good actors in it, and one was only in it for about a tenth of the film. The other actors seemed to be trying out for a high school play. The story line (away from the book) was all over the place, lacked pace and (more so) depth. Umm... the effects were cheap and bland, like they were trying to CGI by numbers. Umm....hmmm. Okay, so that is the part of my review that isn't pissed off about the book, but I need to get this off my chest. How the hell are you going to put Cronos in the second movie, you uncultured hacks. Seriously, in what universe was it a good idea to have Percy Jackson beat Cronos so early in the series. Oh, I'm sorry; did I spoil this piece of garbage movie for someone among the one percent of people that actually still give a shit about this series after the first disaster? Deal with it. The only thing that could make me even remotely happy about seeing this movie in the first place is if they decided that the final fight scene with Cronos meant they were going to stop destroying this book series.

Dishonorable Mention) The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones

This movie set a new standard for being mediocre. Their were plenty of parts in it from the book but the reveal at the end makes me think that there is no point in making the other books into movies, the acting ranged from decent to awful, the fight scenes were kind of interesting but overall lacked appeal, and.... you really want to know why "World War Z" isn't on here, don't you? Okay guys, let's talk about "World War Z" real quick. The movie was good. It may have had little to nothing to do with the book of the same name, but if you look at it away from the book as a guideline it really is an interesting watch. Deal with it, Max Brooks fans. Now you get to feel how we felt when they came out with "The Hulk." When everyone was telling us it was good and we couldn't look past it being so far off of the comic book. 

Best movie

Gravity

If it wasn't for "Gravity," "Pacific Rim" might have actually taken most visually appealing movie of the year. It wasn't only beautiful just for the special effects; the cinematography was legendary. The shots that were taken in this movie (even during the action sequences) should be in some kind of art museum. Aside from that, it was really refreshing to see Sandra Bullock finally do well in a dramatic role, and George Clooney is always spectacular. The survivor story line they set up was generally appealing especially when they started making Sandra Bullock hallucinate. It kept you on the edge of your seat and made you think; even more than that, it did what I keep saying movies should be trying to do. It was entertaining. They could have just made some bland movie about an astronaut trapped in space but ended up making this movie that led you on a roller coaster of emotions. This movie could have fallen flat on its face, but instead rose to the occasion and kept us interested the entire way through. Please respect that I am not a science major, and I don't know if everything in the movie was scientifically accurate, nor do I give a shit. It was a good movie and whether or not it was scientifically accurate really doesn't make a difference in my opinion of the film.

Honorable Mention) The Book Thief

Okay so big reveal time. I wasn't able to see "Her," "12 years a Slave," or "Saving Mr. Banks." From what I hear those movies would have probably knocked this off of my honorable mention, so I am sorry I have been in a country where my resources for good cinema are limited. I can't remember if I read this book in middle school or not so that is why it is not among the other movies in "Best Movie Adaptation of a Book." It was good though, excellent in fact. I liked the narrator, the story line following people that weren't necessarily Nazi undesirables, and the child actors in this make me think I need to make a new child actor list.  

Worst Movie

The Lone Ranger

It's funny really. The movie is called "The Lone Ranger" but Johnny Depp has top billing as Tonto. That should have prepared for what was to come with this, but I don't think anything could have prepared me for the absolute shit this movie turned out to be. So let's look at "Tonto: The Movie" shall we? Aside from the whole ridiculously offensive nature of Mr. Depp's character, apparently he forgot how to act like someone that isn't Capatain Jack Sparrow. That is depressing, but really there isn't a whole lot of this movie that isn't depressing. Armie Hammer is a good actor and his abilities are squandered here, Johnny Depp is growing to big for his britches when he is allowed to make creative additions to the story line (just because he got it right once in Pirates, doesn't mean he is a creative genius), they make too many obscure references to a franchise that is over half a century old. Aside from all this, the real killer for the movie was the story line; then again, that is always a killer for any movie. I don't know who was calling for a "Lone Ranger" movie, but I wasn't one of them, and even if I was I would certainly have been calling for a better movie. 

Dishonorable Mention) Jobs

Sometimes a movie comes along that just wants to watch the world of apple burn, or at least not pay the proper amount of respect to the person it is trying to idolize. Don't get me wrong, I love it when movies about influential people make them human instead of some sort of Superman, but when this movie did that it didn't feel natural. All of the negative aspects about Steve Jobs felt forced, the pacing was really off (some times the movie felt like it was moving in fast forward, other times it felt like slow motion), Ashton Kutcher was a horrible choice for this role, and what's worse is that it seemed like he was trying to prove it. Steve Jobs deserved better, the audience deserved better, hell even Ashton Kutcher deserved better.

That's it for this list ladies and gentleman. I wish you all a happy New Year when it comes around, and wish us all a great movie going experience in the days to come. If you want my opinion on other categories this year, go ahead and check the pictures below. Why am I giving you more categories in a separate small list below? I didn't see enough movies this year to have a total of twelve good categories and their bad counter parts; I also didn't want to leave you all without at least mentioning some of these movies. So here we go, LIGHTNING ROUND!

Best Horror

The Conjuring

Actually scared me, which has been hard to do since "Paranormal Activity" started breeding into other shitty movies.

Honorable Mention)Evil Dead

Amazing adaptation of the original, brought it into the new world in style with over the top gore and over the top everything.

Worst Horror

Insidious: Chapter 2

I found a contender for worst horror series in history; this took any appeal/mystery the first one offered and killed it.

Dishonorable Mention)Every Horror that came out that wasn't "Evil Dead" and "The Conjuring"

If a horror movie is not scary, it is a bad horror movie. Since the only two scary horror movies this year were the two mentioned movies, all other movies can go choose another genre.

Most Surprisingly Good

Prisoners

I thought this was just going to be another revenge movie; instead I got an intense mystery that kept me enthralled through out the entire running time.

Honorable Mention) White House Down

I thought it was going to be another "Olympus Has Fallen;" instead I got another "Die Hard." Thank you for showing up that series in the same year they released a fifth installment. 

Most Disappointingly awful

The Purge

Such an amazing concept, wasted on them transforming it into a slasher movie. Equated to: a reason that we can say they didn't try to call 911.

Dishonorable Mention) Riddick

Had so much hope for this movie. I loved the first, liked the second, and then this made it abundantly clear that Vin Diesel needs to stop making these movies.

Best Revival of a Series

Oz: The Great and Powerful

A good homage to "The Wizard of Oz" and very beautiful. This seemed to be the year of Franco, he did amazing in everything I saw him in (even with what I said about "This is The End").

Honorable Mention) The Fast and the Furious 6

The most interested I have been in the series since it first came to the theaters. Generally enthralling and even had a magic runway in it.

Worst Revival of a Series

A Good Day to Die Hard

You should be embarrassed when another movie is better at "Die Hard-ing" than you are. Shame on you for making this every man into Rambo. 

Dishonorable Mention) Carrie

I didn't mind this movie per se, I just wished for more from it. It was basically like watching the movie from the seventies, but with new technology. Nothing a remake should try to be. 

Top 12 characters that Hollywood needs to die

Hello loyal readers, and welcome to another edition of Dustin's Dirty Dozen. To make up for the last issue's appeal being so limited, I have come back with the top 12 characters that Hollywood needs to let die. This is a very broad subject, but I simply have compiled a list of the most annoying characters that keep getting sequels made, who have had a movie come out recently or plan on coming out with one. Now, they all didn't start out so annoying (at least most of them didn't) so I will be changing the format for this somewhat. I will give a small review of the movies that have come out featuring the character and end with why the character needs to die. So let's get started.

12) Peter Parker/Spider-Man

Spider-man: The first Spider-man with Tobey Maguire introduced us to the character and his origins. It brought comic books into the new millennium and started a trend that is continued to this day. It was great, everything from the acting to the story line was done well and left only slight instances that needed improvement.

Spider-man 2: Excelled past its predecessor in many ways. More drama, even better acting, and a more compelling story line all made this a home run for the studio.  

Spider-man 3: Is considered one of the worst movies to come out during its time. A slight to the comic book reading community, and alluded to only in a joking manner among fans.
The Amazing Spider-man: Shows us what it truly means to be okay. Not spectacular, but also not horrendous. Right in the middle. The acting was great; the story line was okay, and it seemed more like the comic. A reboot in the truest since of the word.

So why does he need to die if his movies are getting better? I have had enough of the angst. Plain and simple; he is an extremely annoying character, and I can't stand him anymore. I don't care about his new movie featuring Jamie Foxx as Electro. I am annoyed that he is still a character that matters in a universe where we have Thor and Iron Man. He was interesting towards the start of the new millennium but has no place in cinema anymore.

11) Richard B. Riddick

Pitch Black: A interesting look into sci-fi action movies. The main character is mysterious, not to be trifled with, and sets a nice pace to the movie. The acting goes a bit off the rails, but the story should make a nice home for this movie as a cult classic.

The Chronicles of Riddick: An okay movie. The only reason this movie reaches the level of okay is due to the action sequences being generally enthralling. The acting has improved but the story line makes this movie suffer. Mainly, the story robs Riddick of his mystery which was his main selling point in the first movie. If you need a mindless movie to keep your attention for a little bit, than it is right up your alley.
Riddick: Bad, just generally bad all around. The acting is over played and horrific to watch at some points. The story tries to bring back the good parts of the first movie, but makes one of the biggest gambles an action movie can make, and suffers for it. They let you see the god-like protagonist vulnerable. In most other cases this is a good thing, allowing the audience to relate, but with a character like Riddick the shoe does not fit. It also feels too rushed at points and drags at others. 

The gradual decline of the movies' quality is the main reason that Riddick needs to die. Away from that he needs to die before he loses anymore of his surrounding mystery (whatever is left that is). I can respect that Vin Diesel loves the character enough to keep making other movies to fund this series, but he has to throw up the white flag here. 

10) Barney Ross (and the rest of The Expendables)

The Expendables: Good movie for a fan of classic styled action films. Not much to bring to the table in terms of anything that would usually make a movie good, but if you need something to quench your thirst for blood and violence you can't go wrong here. The acting brings nothing new to the table, the story line is very straight and to the point, as well as the big names showing that they are still useful.

The Expendables 2: Basically the same movie as the first, and (in terms of sequels) that is a bad thing. They thought that bringing in more old action stars (like Chuck Norris and Jean-Claude Van Damme) as well as giving Arnold and Bruce more screen time was a good substitute, but it just made the movie suffer more. I see no reason for anyone to see this movie if they have already seen the first.

So they are making a third installment of this series, and I don't know whether to classify this as a "doesn't have it anymore" or "never did." I don't understand what the appeal is after the first movie. They did what they set out to do already, which was to bring a bunch of action stars together. That was it. Why do they want to bring more and more actors back in an attempt to prove their validation in the new age? At this point, it seems that the only reason they are making a third is to follow Hollywood's rule of three, even if they didn't need a second.

9) Indiana Jones

Indiana Jones 1 through 3: Each movie holds a special place in every viewer's heart. There wasn't one of these movies that seemed to be trying to continue the series for no reason, instead breathing more and more life into Indie with every new installment. Each movie has iconic scenes that live on as a brilliant legacy for future movies to attempt to follow.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: Nothing like the old movies. Most scenes in this are iconic because of their legendary failure. I always love seeing Harrison Ford in something, but his presence alone is not enough to bring this movie up from the depths. The depths being: an awkward story line that does not fit into the lore, surviving a nuclear explosion, and Shia Le Buff. Fans of any series have never been more disappointed in a movie, and hopefully will never have to be dragged through the dirt like this again.

So needless to say they shouldn't even be considering making a fifth installment, but they are. It is under the delayed status in IMDB, but I can only hope that status will go to cancelled. With the reaction to the fourth installment I can't even believe they would be trying to.

8) Jason Bourne

Bourne Identity, Supremacy, and Ultimatum:  An action series that showed us that action movies can be compelling both visually and intellectually. With an engaging story line, beautifully choreographed fight sequences, and expert acting this series earned the coveted "amazing trilogy" title. Meaning that none of the movies faltered in the lore or quality.

Bourne Legacy: Set as an extension to the book series (the trilogy was originally based on) this movie proved why the author didn't feel like writing. This movie is the definition of "only here for a guaranteed box office." They know the name will sell tickets even if it is a bad movie. Jeremy Renner was good in it but the rest of the movie couldn't engage me, and just made me feel bad that Jeremy had to be apart of this.

So it was announced that they are making a fifth installment. I don't understand why these movie makers keep on breaking the rule of three but they are suffering for it. I know I am not the only person around that hears they are making another Bourne movie and sighs. When your series used to make people excited and now invokes a sound of annoyance it is time to hang up your spurs, cowboy. At least Jeremy Renner has the Avengers to fall back on, but I don't know why his other movies are cluttering my theater.

7) Ethan Hunt

Mission Impossible 1 through 3: The single greatest set of spy movies to come out in our history. End of story. These movies don't falter or miss a single beat, when you are watching them you can't help but feel entranced by the action and story line. Giving us more memorable scenes than any series in its genre, this series will probably live on top for many years to come.

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol: Unnecessary, through and through. I love Simon Pegg, respect Tom Cruise as a good actor and nothing more, but this movie just killed what was making the series great. It makes it seem like they are again relying on the name to sell tickets, and not caring about if they should make it in the first place.

So, everything that applied to Jason Bourne applies here. The series is feeling dragged out, uninteresting, and ignores the rule of three. I don't know if action movies are trying to compete with the horror market when it comes to these sequels but whatever they are doing this is prime example why they should stop. I guess we'll see what happens in the fifth installment.

6) Jay and Silent Bob

Clerks: An interesting and compelling movie that was made into an instant cult classic. Showing audiences everywhere that you don't need a big budget, with amazing special effects to make a good movie when you have good dialogue.

Mallrats: Showing us what Kevin Smith can do with a larger budget, this movie does not disappoint. More brilliant dialogue and hilarious scenes. Appeasing the masses with yet another brilliant movie centered around a select group of individuals. The first minimum wage employees, and now people that like to hang out at malls.

Dogma: I felt the need to skip "Chasing Amy" but long story short it was okay. This movie on the other hand was outstanding. Looking at religion in a whole new way, and doing what Kevin Smith does best: giving us a good dialogue and even better story line.

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back: Keeping with what Kevin Smith does best and giving us even more Jay and Silent Bob. This movie had a little something in it for everyone and could be watched fifty times without losing its appeal.

Clerks 2: Kevin Smith's best work yet. Giving a defining conclusion to both Clerks and the rest of the Viewaskewniverse. We can finally, safely put these characters away and see what else Kevin Smith has to offer, when he isn't relying on Jay and Silent Bob.

Or can we? Now, he has made it official that he will be making a third "Clerks." While I respect his appreciation for the rule of three, I instantly lose that respect when he stated that he will not be going back to this universe. Twice. It seems that every time he tries to step out of the universe he gets scared and runs back to it. First he failed with Jersey girl so he made "Clerks 2." Now, he fails with "Cop Out" and "Red State", while not getting the box office results expected for "Zack and Miri Make a Porno," so he makes "Clerks 3." I like Kevin Smith, I am a big fan, but he needs to cut the ties with these movies already.

5) Superman/Clark Kent

Superman 1 & 2: Introducing comics to the silver screen for the first time, these movies are legendary. Christopher Reeves is the Superman anyone should think of when referring to the character, no one has or will ever top him.

Superman 3 & 4: Well Christopher Reeves is still great in the role, but I guess the creators like becoming the best definition for tripping at the finish line. There was no reason for these movies to have seen the light of day and all people associated with them should feel horrified for being apart of this.

Superman Returns:  I can't understand why someone thought this was a good idea. It actually rivals the later Christopher Reeves movies in how horrible it was. If you think of this as a silent movie, only meant for spectacle with no thrills, it might be considered okay. I just can't think of an audience that would want that.

Man of Steel: Trying to revive Superman in the new age and use the same tactic that "Batman Begins" used by making him more realistic. I guess that's why it doesn't fit, because you can't make Superman more realistic; he is the definition of fantasy, and has been that way for over half a century. Even if you look at it as a movie with no basis in comic books, it still doesn't make since with its own story line. Go ahead. Check the movie and see if you can find out what I am talking about.

You would think that with the backlash surrounding the most recent installment in the media they would try to keep clear of Superman. I guess DC is filled with gluttons for punishment since they are making another. The twist this time is that they have teamed him up with the only character in DC to make at least four good movies. Their overly popular poster boy. Batman. Now instead of ruining one character they are going to ruin two. Smart.

4) Rocky Balboa

Rocky: An instant classic and play by play on how to make a good movie. Your protagonist doesn't have to win, just endure and survive. The win can be in a different way than originally intended. He won in the sense that he got the girl. He won in the sense that he didn't get knocked when everyone said he would.

Rocky 2 and 3: Goes back to face Apollo and completely defeats the purpose of the first movie, then Rocky gets caught up in his own legend and is laid out by Mr.T. Don't worry he comes back to beat him too. They were okay movies but took a big, steaming dump on the original.

Rocky 4: Actually a great movie, even if there was a weird life size robot and it was all about the cold war villains of choice. He avenges his buddy Apollo and wins one for the home country. I also like the whole nature versus machine thing that they did in the montage.

Rocky 5: Finally reached the "what's the point?" level of a series. Following Rocky's extremely uninteresting son, and having nothing to do with boxing but instead what happens to people that were once famous.

Rocky Balboa: Part of Stallone's "I may be old but I can still kick you ass" film series (The expendables and Rambo being the other parts of that series), this movie finally convinced us that Rocky should probably die off. Putting him against a much younger man, it tries to re-live the first movie but fails almost on every conceivable level.

Now, we get to see what happens when Rocky starts to train Apollo's son, in the upcoming movie "Creed". I suspect he will be just as uninteresting when he plays a trainer rather than a fighter. I think they lost every fan during the last movie and now they want to rub salt in a still fresh wound.

3) Zombies

There are too many zombie movies out there for me to list them all without taking up an entire page. That's the problem actually. Zombies are now everywhere. It seems that everyone has a flawed zombie plan, or they have favorite zombie film. At this point, there are so many that they need their own sub-genre of film. You can't call them horror anymore, with movies like "World War Z" out there making them into action, or "Shaun of the Dead" making them into comedies. We need to give these characters a break. Let them just die out slowly, until the only thing left of them is "The Walking Dead."

2) John McClane

Die Hard: One of the greatest action movies in cinema, only topped by the third movie in the same series. They take an ordinary, down on his luck cop, and put him in an extraordinary situation when terrorists seize the building he is in. John McClane was the greatest example of an every-man and gave us one of the greatest rides of our lives.
Die Hard 2: Die Harder: An unfortunate circumstance. Most of what made the first movie so appealing is now gone, and it is very evident that they just wanted to make more money with this. He's still an every-man but he lost the troubles that made his every-man story so relatable.
Die Hard With a Vengeance: Now, I give you the single greatest action movie of anyone's life time. This movie took the original and improved on it. Simon was an original and inspiring idea that is still used today in some television shows. Samuel L. Jackson's character is the best example of "that guy that is hard to work with," when he always brings up his race and how much he hates white people. Any movie is going to be hard pressed to top this.
Live Free or Die Hard and A Good Day to Die Hard: They have now beaten this horse all the way dead and ruined this character for life. He is no longer an every-man, he is just another in a long line of action heroes. Like Rambo before him, this character was drug through the dirt until no one could stand to see the sight of him again.

So, it was announced that they are making "Die Hardest," and with a conclusive title like that I can only hope that this is the last we will see from John McClane. It seems that they are trying to relive the story line of the first (with the synopsis provided on IMDB), or more accurately make a messed up fan fiction of the first movie. Seriously, if this is someone's idea of a joke consider me gotten and take this garbage down.

1) Batman/Bruce Wayne

Batman and Batman Returns: Two truly amazing movies that show how much Tim Burton could offer the world of comic books. These movies just sell Batman and make it so he will always have a home on the silver screen (however, unfortunate that is today).

Batman Forever: Still great even if there were "Bat Nipples." You can't deny that Jim Carey and Tommy Lee Jones did excellent in their roles, nor can you say that Val Kilmer isn't one of the greatest Batmen of our time. Whenever I need a laugh or a fix for Batman (that isn't ultra realistic or animated) I turn on this movie.

Batman and Robin: So, we have another example of how badly someone can fail when trying to make a film. This movie is so disgustingly awful that if I were given a thousand dollars to watch it, I would take their money and burn the film on it.
Batman Begins: Taking a stab at making a more realistic Batman, this movie made the character cool again. Liam Neeson gives an amazing performance as does Micheal Caine, Gary Oldman, and Morgan Freeman. It sets the pace for where Batman should take us in the future.
The Dark Knight: The single greatest achievement in DC's history and the second greatest achievement in comic book movies. Nothing can describe this movie besides masterpiece, it is just that amazing.
The Dark Knight Rises: A far leap from its predecessors, this movie has earned the rank of okay. Nothing special to write home about. Tom Hardy, Anne Hathaway and Joseph Gordon-Levitt are great as new cast members, and the returning cast is great as always. It just seems to be missing something in terms of being actually compelling. A missed opportunity, but still good enough to be watchable.

You see that there are seven movies, all about the same character? This is the action version of a Jason Voorhees or Freddy Krueger. Now, they are coming out with an eighth movie featuring the sixth person (including Adam West) to dawn the cape and cowl. To put that into perspective for you, there are seven James Bonds and that series has been around since 1962. Its time to pick a new poster child DC, might I suggest Wonder Woman or John Stewart as Green Lantern.

Honorable Mention) The Skywalker Clan

Star Wars IV,V, and VI: Good.

Star Wars I,II, and III: Bad.

Here's hoping that Disney can make things right in seven, eight and nine, but with a family of crybabies like the Skywalkers I seriously doubt it. 

Next time on Dustin's Dirty Dozen: Top 12 illegal drug films with the "holiday of food" coming up I feel this is appropriate.

Top 12 Justice League episodes

*For all intents and purposes spoiler warning (even though this series is about a decade old)*

Hello loyal readers and welcome to another edition of Dustin's Dirty Dozen, this issue takes us deep into one of my favorite series when I give you my top 12 "Justice League" episodes. I know a lot of you are wondering why I am doing this issue, and the answer is: the new Batman/Superman movie. I have heard so much about the upcoming movie and can't help but think that it is some sort of precursor to a Justice League movie. With all of the news surrounding the upcoming film it seems that this new DC movie is going to be another in the long line of DC movie failures. So I am here to bring you back to a time where DC was amazing, even if it might cut out a good portion of my readers. I could write a book on this series, it is one of the greatest things ever to come out of DC (along with "Teen Titans" and the 90's shows). So, without further adieu let's get these capes counted off.

12) The Cat and the Canary

This episode shows us the trials and tribulations of Wild Cat, one of the League's most normal members. No powers, no gadgets, just skill in the boxing ring and a costume. He has found himself in an underground, illegal fighting competition where he beats super-powered villains to a pulp. The thing that makes this episode great is that it shows us what a superhero in the middle of a mid-life crisis does. Feeling cast aside by the Justice League for not being as useful as the more powerful heroes he goes into this blood sport, where he can once again feel like he is accomplishing something. His student Black Canary and her love interest Green Arrow try to stop him, and succeed when Green Arrow uses a stun gun to put him in metabolic stasis. This gives Wildcat the feeling that he has killed someone in the ring and finally breaks him of the crowd's draw. This may have had the overlying intention of getting Green Arrow and Black Canary together, but the subtle more meaningful message of growing old, being outclassed and the addiction of popularity are why this episode was great.   

11) The Savage Time

These episodes bring us into a parallel timeline, where we see what would have happened if we lost WWII, and if the Germans were under more "experienced" leadership. Randal Savage (an immortal villain that has lived since the stone age) has assumed power over the Nazi regime, and uses advanced technology to turn the tide of the war. The Justice League (being unaffected by the skewed timeline due to the protection of Green Lantern's ring) seeks to put the past back in order and undo the horrors savage has brought upon the world. This episode was good for a multitude of reasons. We get to see John Stewart as a man with no power ring and reverted back to his United States Marine Corps training. We get to see the work of past heroes fight alongside current superheroes when Hawkgirl meets The Blackhawks (a group of ace fighter pilots). If you are a fan of "Band of Brothers"/"Justice League" fan-fiction, or if you simply love parallel universes these are the episodes for you.

10) Legends

Another parallel universe story line (beginning to sense a theme here?) where the League meets a team very similar to them, the Justice Guild of America. Something is a miss though when the League starts noticing some inconsistencies in this world: an ice cream truck that never stops for patrons, the town having only two cops, it seeming like the 1950's even though it is current day. It turns out that the universe is fabricated (from a mutant child with mental powers) and it means that the Guild is fabricated as well. The Guild sacrifices themselves to take out the mutant that caused everything, and all is set right again. These episodes give us a look into the past by comparing "The Golden Age" of comics to the more current one. That comparison brings along so many awkward moments: sexism, a slightly racist comment, "role call" for the guests, corny dialogue (to include a seemingly infinite amount of puns). The sacrifice scene is amazing and if nothing else we get a proper look at how someone in today's timeline would react to a more naive one.  

9) A Better World

Last parallel universe arc I swear. These episodes show us a parallel version of the Justice League, called the Justice Lords. The only differences between the two teams are that the Lords are willing to kill and the Flash is dead. So long story short on this one, the Lords find out about the League's universe and try to take it over. It doesn't work. The reason it doesn't work is one of the reasons why this episode is great. The League frees Lex Luthor to stop the lords, and that sets up the arc for the big Justice League: Unlimited season two finale. Another big reason these episodes were great was the Lords' martial law, and Superman going on a lobotomy rampage.

8) Wake the Dead

This is based off of an older episode (The Terror Beyond) where the villain Solomon Grundy gave his life (or whatever type of life a zombie has) to save the world. Some college kids get together and perform a ritual they think will give them the power to defend themselves against bullies. It turns out that the ritual raised Solomon from the grave (insert zombie reference) and it is up to the League to stop him. This episode is great because it gives a very real look at what would happen when a superhero tries to come back in to the fold, after betraying the people of Earth. Hawkgirl is going through an identity crisis already and she has a soft spot for Grundy; so the fact that her return has to be centered around taking him out provides great character development. If nothing else it provides the viewer with a decent "Old Yeller" style scene when Hawkgirl has to put down Grundy.

7) Epilogue

Not a parallel universe but a look into the future of "Batman Beyond," tied in with "Justice League" and it shows how truly great Bruce Wayne was. So, Terry McGinnis finds out Bruce Wayne is his biological father and goes through a bit of an identity crisis (you are going to see a lot of these characters go through an identity crisis, probably comes with the territory of wearing a mask). He seeks out Amanda Waller (an old enemy of the League and ex head of Cadmus) assuming she is the only one that has the answers. He's right, and Amanda Waller tells him why she did it, defending her decision with a story about Bruce Wayne when he was in the League. I just like any episode that ties in different DC franchises; like "Batman: Mask of the Phantasm," Justice League," and "Batman Beyond." Even without the tie-ins, the story is pretty awesome. It shows us what sets Batman apart from the other League members. I know Bruce Wayne is a bit overplayed in Hollywood right now, but this Bruce Wayne will never be played out. 

6) Tabula Rasa (to include The Return)

This is the story of Amazo the android and a scientist making a god. Amazo can copy ANYTHING (he copied the properties of a star, so yeah anything) and make it part of him. Lex Luthor takes advantage of the robot's naivety, to try and kill the Justice League. The android takes Martian Manhunter's powers, and with his new found telepathy learns that Lex is using him. He copies the properties of a celestial star and leaves. In The Return, he comes back to kill Luthor or find his purpose. He doesn't kill Luthor and is brought under the care of Dr. Fate to find his purpose. So, these are great episodes because it gives many of our character's more depth. In Tabula Rasa, Martian Manhunter is having a crisis of self when he can't turn off his telepathy, and eventually he learns why he is fighting for humanity. In The Return, we get to see where Hawkgirl has been hiding herself and learn a little more about Dr. Fate. If you like satires on over powered superhero's these is definitely the episodes for you.

5) Only A Dream

I'm going to keep the synopsis short here, basically these are episodes about a Freddy-Krueger-like villain, and we get to see what scares the members of the League. I think the whole bird in a cage comparison of Hawkgirl's claustrophobia was brilliantly subtle. There is more identity crisis from Green Lantern's dream, when he fear's that he has grown too distant from his roots and is slave to the ring's power. Superman feel's like his power will never stop growing, and he won't be able to control it. Flash fears that he will one day go too fast and never be able to slow down again. We never see, the Martian Manhunter's fears or Wonder Woman's (since she is not in the episode). Batman's fear's are pretty self evident by now (especially if you saw Batman: The Animated Series). They're great episodes to watch for character development, and if you're a fan of Batman proving himself to the "more powerful" members of the League.  

4) Secret Society

Secret Society is the third attempt to create an Injustice League, except this time it comes close to working. Gorilla Grodd uses his mental powers to play with the League's emotions, getting them to say the things that they would usually keep hidden from one another. This episode gives us even more character development showing us how it is to live and work with roommates. Basically, if you spend a long time with anyone they are going to get on your nerves. This instance just so happens to give the roommates superpowers and secret identities. I like anytime a show about other worldly beings can bring them down to a level the audience can relate to. 

3) Question Authority/Flashpoint/Panic in the Sky/Divided We Fall

These episodes were not only the longest continuing story line in the shows airing but also the most built up. Through out all of the "Justice League: Unlimited" the viewer is taken through different episodes all hinting at a shadow cabinet called Cadmus; whose sole reason for existing is to prepare the world against the possibility of a superhero uprising. These episodes are the finale, the climax of all that planning, and they do not disappoint. We find out that the campaign for presidency Luthor was building up is fake, and he was just doing it to get under Superman's skin. We get to see what Cadmus has been planning all this time, and see the plan fall apart at the end of everything. Finally, we get to see Amanda Waller and the League work together to bring down a Brainiac infused Luthor. Everything that has been given to us so far in the series is tied together in a nice little package, and the result is amazing.

2) Starcrossed (to include Hunter's Moon)

Starcrossed is one of the Justice League three part episodes that was turned into a movie. It center's around the Thanagarian army occupying Earth and taking control, as well as showing us that Hawkgirl wasn't being completely honest with the League. It turns out that she was a spy for her home world (scouting out the locals), and more so is engaged to the commander of the Thanagarian army. Long story short, they try to destroy Earth to save their home world and the League stops them. The part I like the most about this episode is when the League takes off their costumes. The Flash is a little hesitant and Batman just reveals all of their secret identities to save time. I am not to fond of episodes that are centered around the love story arcs, but the betrayal against Green Lantern makes it seem better. Aside from all that, we have Hawkgirl quitting the Justice League and becoming a pariah to her people. She puts herself in an extremely tough situation and that is made all the more evident in the Hunter's Moon episode when her people try to take revenge against her betrayal, and the members of the League she is with still don't fully trust her.

1) For the Man Who has Everything

This episode was deliciously depressing, and brought together the members of the big three. So, it is Superman's birthday, Batman and Wonder Woman arrive to give him their well wishes to find him "indisposed." Turns out he got a mysterious gift and it was a plant that (once attached) gives you a completely realistic, pseudo reality of what you want most in the world. What Superman want's most in the world is to be back on Krypton, and to have a family with Lois Lane once there. He soon realizes that this world is fabricated, and must give up his heart's biggest desire to be free. Once freed the plant attaches to Batman and we get a look at Bruce's father mercilessly beating the shit out of the mugger that took his parent's lives. They get the plant off of him and beat the bad guy that put it there, but at a great price. All of this to include Wonder Woman's fight with the bad guy makes this episode the best that the Justice League has to offer. It was dark, depressing, and filled with deep emotional loss. Simply astounding. 

Honorable Mention) Secret Origins

If I may quote the DC animation heads, "everyone loves an origin story," and I am no different.

Next time on Dustin's Dirty Dozen: Top 12 characters that Hollywood needs to let die. I get back on the movie track by giving you the characters that have lived far to long, and finally need to be laid to rest.