Greetings, again loyal readers; Dustin here giving you his Dirty Dozen movies that should have stopped at one. The criticism I received on my last post has been applied to this new format; now I have a brilliant editor making sure I don't send a list filled with mistakes, and have narrowed the topic to my top twelve. Any further criticisms, comments, or questions on this new post, please feel free to put in the comments block of the Facebook status that this blog has been attached to. So without further ado, lets get to it...
12) The Pirates of the Caribbean
I know that this movie series has even made it to the list is enough to make all the rabid Disney fanatics reading this hang me up by my boot straps to a Mickey Mouse shaped plaque but here it is. The reason that this is so high on the list is because I actually didn't mind the sequel that much, and I tolerated the third. Let's just all agree to disagree on the fourth. You are going to hear me say the phrase "open ended" a lot during this list and the first "Pirates" movie is a perfect example of an open-ended finale. You leave Jack Sparrow in charge of the Pearl, once again, off to go on another adventure probably involving cannons and sword fights; you leave Will Turner and Elizabeth Swan caught in each other's embrace finally ending up together, probably to get married and have kids or something along those lines. I didn't need the meeting of Bootstrap Bill Turner, I didn't need to see the actual marriage and I didn't need another three movies centered all around Johnny Depp. I was content with the first movie ending and never having to hear another word from them. So what happened? The fans. The fans clamored for sequels, and now here we are looking down the barrel of a fifth "Pirates" movie. You all better believe that if Hollywood can bleed a nickel out of a series, they will bleed it dry. So here's to "The Pirates of the Caribbean" series for bleeding all of us dry and boring me to tears.
11) Child's Play
You won't see "Nightmare on Elm Street," "Friday the Thirteenth," or "Halloween" on this list because I actually was thoroughly entertained by a couple of the sequels. I don't think that there was a need for quite so many, but the "Child's Play" series didn't even need one. The first movie was frightening and kept me awake at night not trusting any of my action figures; all of the sequels had me pushing my action figures around trying to pick a fight. I don't think that the movies were ever supposed to be taken that seriously but at least the first one tried to mix in some genuinely horrifying sequences along with its tongue-in-cheek comedy. The first two sequels just rinsed and repeated the first; and the last two sequels just focused on comedy. I didn't need to see what happened to the little kid that was terrorized by Chucky in the first one, nor did I need to see Chucky trying to make mainstream jokes while running celebrities off the road. So let's all hope that the remake for the original coming out in 2014 brings the series back to its frightening roots and makes us forget all about John Waters agreeing to sign on to the piece of garbage that was Seed of Chucky.
10) Jurassic Park
The first Jurassic Park was, in a word, iconic. From the exquisite acting by Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum to the masterful scores composed by John Williams, I don't think there were a whole lot of people that weren't fans when this movie came out. So why was there ever a sequel to the first movie? Oh I know what made it happen! Dr. Alan Grant looking out the window of the escaping helicopter to find the pterodactyls flying off the island along side them. I had no need for them to continue on to make "Jurrassic Park 2: Dinosaurs take San Diego," where the only forgivable part of that movie was Jeff Goldblum. I was equally in no rush to see "Jurassic Park 3: Yet Another Island," where there were no forgivable points. You know while I was writing this I put "with no more sequels in the foreseeable future" thinking that there is no way that they could make a fourth installment with how horrible the third was and not hearing anything from the mainstream media on them making a fourth installment. I humored myself to make sure I was accurate and googled "Jurrassic Park 4" and sure enough there it was. Silly me, when has a series being long past dead ever stopped people from making sequels to it. So with the forth installment scheduled to come out in 2015 per the Internet Movie Database, here we are again; looking at dinosaurs trying to eat people. Please hold your breath.
9) Gremlins
The first Gremlins was a new, refreshing idea about the dangers of owning exotic pets and how they can never truly be tamed. Also, the consequences of not taking proper care of pets. A comedy/horror that crept its way into my heart as a child and made me unable to watch anything else for a week straight. The Gremlins 2 just happened to take the original idea and smear it into the pavement while it makes tiny, mogwai screams of pain. Let us get the obvious out of the way; just because you have people beating down the door for women's rights does not mean you need to make a female Gremlin. It was awkward, confusing and completely unnecessary due to the mogwai's ability to reproduce asexually by adding water. I have no disrespect for more females (protagonist/antagonist) in cinema when it makes sense, but this time it didn't. Aside from that, the plot was missing, Zach Galligan is still an atrocious actor; the ending of the original didn't even leave much of an opening for a sequel; and New York should not be made the "go-to" city for shitty sequels. Yet with all these faults, fans are still clamoring up to director Joe Dante for a third. Let me remind you that this guy's only other notable good work besides the original Gremlins was The 'Burbs and Small Soldiers. Besides those three movies, he has given us a ton of TV movies and 1978's Piranha. So who is looking forward to another Gremlins?
8) Resident Evil
"Resident Evil" was a controversial success due to the picky fan base of the game it was based on, but had me content with saying I was a fan of the movie. Now, if I were still a fan of the franchise I would be embarrassed. All it did after the first installment was try to appeal more and more to the unreasonable fan base of the games by putting memorable characters like Nemesis and Wesker in them. I don't exactly know why they keep making these movies, it doesn't seem like they are doing well in the box office anymore, and the fan base of the games is just writing them off as a fluke of Hollywood, unable to get video games or the people that play them. The storyline keeps getting convoluted, they keep revisiting old characters because the actors that play them can't get work anywhere else, and for some reason just can't seem to not put Milla Jovovich in a movie not wearing something skin tight. With a sixth installment coming up in 2014, maybe the film company is finally going to be able to lay this series to rest...but probably not.
7) Scream
"Scream" was a movie originally created as a spoof on horror, slasher movies. The concept was original; Matthew Lillard was amazing; Courtney Cox found work along side her now ex-husband away from "Friends"; and it gave us a chance to see Henry Winkler die at the end of a knife. This movie also forever changed the face of Halloween, making it so that even people on a budget were able to participate, aside from ruining a perfectly good set of sheets by putting holes in them. The second and third were more of the same, except for the message of the first being lost somewhere in the shuffle, and making it more about the cheap scare tactics that the original was making fun of. The forth had me pretty excited to see what they would do with the new rules, since the horror genre was almost completely different from when the first came out. When I saw it, all "Scream 4" did was teach me the value of not getting my hopes up. The best I could say about it was Hayden Panettiere saying the names of every horror movie that had been remade up until that point was kind of funny. Of course, they are talking about a fifth; no need to really go into it anymore than that, since they already bastardized an original concept so much.
6) The Hangover
"The Hangover" was an instant classic in the archives of comedic movies. It gave us some unforgettable lines and gave the stars a chance to become A-List, which Bradley Cooper seems to be taking the idea and running with. Of course, if this list has taught us anything thus far, it is that nothing in the film industry could be sacred enough to not make a sequel out of it. All I needed was seeing the pictures rolling across the phone, Doug getting married, Stu dumping the horrible almost fiance and I was good after that. The second movie just gave us another version of the first movie, and the third only had the big twist of the gang actually not being hungover. How many times can people make the same mistake anyway? While I was glad to see that they actually learned their lesson from the first two movies, I just could not get into any part of the third. At least this series might actually get away with a sliver of dignity by its main actors not wanting any part of a fourth if it were to happen, which seems unlikely.
5) American Pie
"American Pie" was a movie coming out in the age of too many high school based movies, and set itself apart by being absolutely amazing and funny. It showed us all actors like Jason Biggs, Alyson Hannigan and Sean William Scott back in their heyday. After "American Pie", Sean William Scott got to create a somewhat career by making himself the comic relief in movies like "The Rundown" and "Evolution", or acting in comedies like the "Dukes of Hazard" along side Johnny Knoxville. Alyson Hannigan is currently in one of the biggest series out right now with "How I Met Your Mother", and Jason Biggs got to make love to a pie. You see what I did there with the actors? I told you what they were up to since the movie aired using a couple of sentences which used to be a time honored tradition of movies like this. Putting some "now-a-days" photos up and captions next to them telling you what eventually became of the characters. Another way would have been slowly moving across each characters face while they are laughing or something along those lines with the voice of the main character from the film saying what eventually became of them all. Instead of doing that, they made American Pie 2, Wedding, and Reunion, which was basically all the movies equated to for me. I won't go into the straight to DVD American Pies, as I never saw them. I like to at least try not wasting my time or seeing a great actor like Eugene Levy reduced to being the star power of straight to DVD movies.
4) The Matrix
"The Matrix" took the fears of Y2K to a new level by showing a machine induced apocalypse like "The Terminator" and making it completely different. Human beings being reduced to nothing more than power for the machines to live after we blocked the sun, the world as we know it being a computer program, you being able to download any necessary skills for a mission. All of these ideas were new and inspiring. However, this series is a prime example of the points I have made through out this list coming to a screeching collision. Open ended finales, creators trying to bleed an original concept dry of any further originality, the fan base clamoring for sequels only to not be prepared for the outcome and great actors like Hugo Weaving or Laurence Fishburne being forced into shitty sequels.We leave the first movie with Neo flying off screen to stop the machines, and leave the third movie with a confusing conclusion that spat on the plot of the original. At the end of the third movie I couldn't count all of the inconsistencies, and now that it is ten years later, I haven't come any closer to an actual number. So, thank you, "The Matrix" for giving me an awesome movie in 1999 please don't do me anymore favors from now on.
3) The Fast and The Furious
Hey! Who says Vin Diesel Can't get work these days? I mean he has movies coming out like Riddick, The Fast and the Furious 7 and XXX; The Return of Xander Cage. This guy has work for years! Unfortunately. Yes this is the one movie on the list that actually ended with hints of a sequel and wasn't open ended. They just should have left it alone. Killed it before it grew too much like it is doing now. I think any series that goes past three should just stop but this is a movie that should have stopped at one and that is only if you were actually into street racing. If you weren't, it should have stopped at zero. I just don't know how many more A-list celebrities that this series can take down with them. First they take Dwayne Johnson and now they take Jason Statham, which I can only guess is because he has grown tired of being a Billy Bad-Ass only to go into this movie as a vengeful Billy Bad-Ass. My remaining hope for this series is that after this seventh installment they will be done, but I have been let down before.
2) Saw
Torture. That's what the original "Saw" got turned into, a movie about torture. Not a movie that actually surprised you with the ending, not a game for your life, and surely not an original thriller. Just torture. Giving whole new meaning to the genre by both torturing the characters in the movie and the audience watching it. I would have thought after a while that these movies would have run out of ideas on how to kill people, which eventually they did, but that didn't stop them from making more movies. I guess they were trying to tie up all the loose ends of a story line that had gone way past not making any sense. The only other reason for them making seven of these movies would be to try and top themselves over and over again by seeing just how much they can gross out the audience. Not enough of a reason for me having to sit through every one of these pieces of filth, but just enough of a reason for it to be placed second on this list.
1) The Boondock Saints
October 30th, 2009 a day that will live in infamy. It marked the most let down I have been at a movie since "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" came out May 22nd, 2008 or when "Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace" came out May 19th, 1999. It was the day "The Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day" came out to limited screens. I tried very hard to like this movie, kind of like I did with the aforementioned films, but every time I watched it I got more upset. They took an incredulous look at the lives of vigilantes and turned it into a buddy cop film. They took a movie about two brothers trying to clean up a world that they have grown disgusted with and turned it into a family trying to clear their name. They took an Italian and turned him into a Mexican. They completely undid the first movie in one fell swoop. They tried to appeal to the fans by making a bunch of "hey, you remember this" moments and ended up making it seem like they were placating us. It got so bad that I just couldn't believe the ending when they got sent to jail, since it seemed that they had every cop in their pocket. Please Troy Duffy, don't make anymore I can live the rest of my life knowing that they just got thrown in Jail. I don't care what Willem Dafoe has planned for getting them out. Just leave one of my favorite movies to rest.
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Honorable mention
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HM) Final Destination
The only reason this didn't make my list was because I was actually just as entertained by the first movie as I was the second and third. The reason being, that the initial catastrophic accident that started the whole chain of events in the film was actually a common fear and reasonably plausible. I kept getting what I came for in each one of the three. The forth and fifth are when it seemed to lose speed for me. They weren't making it believable anymore. If I ever do a list for movies that should have stopped at a trilogy this will definitely be on there along with the two aforementioned movie series in my number one.
Next Time on Dustin's Dirty Dozen : Top 12 better Batman choices. Yes, I am equally if not more pissed off about the choice for Bruce Wayne in the upcoming "Superman/Batman" film and will tell you my thoughts on who would be better.
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