Top 12 Awards for the Year: The Best and Worst

Hello loyal readers, and welcome to another issue of Dustin's Dirty Dozen. This week we take a look back into the year of 2013 while we get ready for 2014. I had a bit of trouble figuring out how I was going to go about this issue (since I have been stuck in a place where the only guaranteed way to see a movie is by illegally downloading it and I try not to do that), so I came up with an award show. These are the best and worst moments from the year of 2013, as always you may agree or strongly disagree, but I don't know if I could really care about that right now. Looking back on this year, it comes to my attention that this was a weird year for film. A lot of surprisingly good movies, a lot of sequels, a lot of disappointingly horrendous movies. Let's look at it this way, I didn't even expect to like "Frozen" or "Evil Dead" when I heard about them, but now they are some of the best movies of the year. Anyways, let's party like it's 2014 and get this started.

Best Sci Fi

Pacific Rim

Who didn't see this coming? If you follow me on Facebook, you know that this was one of my favorite movies of the year; however, even if you don't, if you saw it you understand completely. I have hard time describing in words exactly how this movie made me feel while watching it. The best I could muster was "it made me feel like a five year old at the fourth of July." In the theater I constantly made statements (to no one but myself really) like "Holy Cow DID YOU SEE THAT?!" or "That is SO AWESOME!" It had me on the edge of my seat, and thoroughly entertained (which in the end is what a movie is supposed to do). Now I am not too blinded by the spectacle to not see the faults of this movie. Yes, the acting was a little bad at times (except for Idris Elba, that man stole every scene he was in), and the people representing different countries were very stereotypical. In terms of story line, and graphical achievement this movie was nearly perfect (even with its other slight foibles). Guillermo del Toro really hit this one straight out of the park, and if you haven't seen this movie, what are you doing reading this? Go see it. It is out on DVD and BluRay right now. Go rent it, go stream it, don't illegally download it because this movie has had enough trouble with "Grown Ups 2" stealing the box office from it.

Honorable Mention) Elysium

Neill Blomkamp is quite an impressive director. "District 9" was original and inspiring and this was no different. If Disney were looking for someone to replace J.J. Abrams for the director of Star Wars (or if the world were looking for someone to replace J.J. Abrams as a thing that exists) I nominate Neill first.

Worst Sci fi

Star Trek: Into Darkness

I could sit here and rant to you about J.J. Abrams, but I feel like you all want me to talk about this movie. Fuck it, I'll talk about the movie later. We as the world need to ban J.J. Abrams from making movies forever, and this movie is a shining example of why that is. He is the least original, least creative, least talented director in the current generation. The only way his movie's even reach the status of "OK" (like the first "Star Trek" or "Super 8") is because of his actors, not his ability to direct them. I don't even know if I can put some of his actors on that high of a pedestal when he puts Chris Pine as THE lead role in the remake of a sacred geek series. In closing to this little rant, Fuck J.J. Abrams and if he screws up the next three "Star Wars" he is not worth a fan base (which there is for some reason) period. Anyways, let's talk about this abomination. The only thing I can say to defend J.J. Abrams and this movie is that it takes some major balls to try and take on the legend of "Star Trek" that is "Wrath of Kahn." That being said, I didn't pay to see "Wrath of Kahn" with role reversal. Nor did I pay to see that Chris Pine still doesn't have this whole "acting" thing down yet. I damn sure didn't pay to see the most confusing end sequence in "Star Trek's" history. What is that you ask? Oh, Kahn's blood saves Kirk from death. I would have said spoiler warning but this movie is not worth any part of geek tradition.

Dishonorable Mention) After Earth

Unlike the director above, M. Night Shyamalan used to have some real talent ("Unbreakable", "Signs", "The Sixth Sense") so it is really disheartening to see a director that had so much potential doing movies like this. Jaden Smith can't act, the story was convoluted and awkward, the ending was predictable (which is weird for Shyamalan).

Best Comedy

This is the End

This movie had some of the best dialogue I have heard in a while. I know, I know, everything was predictable in the movie story line-wise; however, I don't go to a comedy for terrific story line, I go for good dialogue and to laugh. You just can't beat some of these lines "You don't have enough bullets, bitch." or "Guess what? It's not that compelling." If you saw the movie, you understand the significance of these lines; if you haven't, go see the movie. There are points in the movie where you think that this is how the actors actually act in real life, which is pretty impressive. The people that really stole the show here were Danny McBride and Michael Cera (yes, all ten minutes of the movie Michael Cera was in) they had not only the best characters, but some of the best lines or scenes in the film. Everyone else did well, Jay Baruchel made a nice home as a hipster, Seth Rogan was Seth Rogan, Jonah Hill made a convincing secret asshole, and Craig Robinson was pretty awesome. I don't know what to say about James Franco except that he seemed like his character in "Pineapple Express" but less stupid.

Honorable Mention)We're the Millers

You want to talk about movies that surprised the hell out of me? This right here. I expected this to be one of the worst comedies this year, but (like the movie above) the dialogue in this was superb and won me over.

Worst Comedy

Grown Ups 2

How the mighty have fallen, huh Adam Sandler? You go from doing a great movie like "Funny People" to following it up with "Jack and Jill." You go from doing a generally okay movie like "Grown Ups" and follow it up with a shitty sequel. When I saw this movie, I went with a friend that accused me of being too hard on this, because I was generally upset by it taking "Pacific Rim's" box office. I would say that my predisposition to this movie affected my overall opinion of it, but I won't since the movie was actually just bad. Many of the jokes in it didn't fit the scene, like making fun of Shaq's free throws for no other reason but to make fun of his real life handicap in a fictional movie. The jokes that did fit the scenes fell short of actually being funny. In fact the only funny part of the movie were the jokes about the frat guys, and even they were merely "chuckle worthy". The only time I found myself laughing was when I was laughing at myself for going to see this absolutely horrendous piece of garbage. I was also told that I didn't get most of the "jokes" because I didn't live in the eighties, which is an interesting theory if there had been more parts of the movie that had to do with the eighties besides one party scene. It was just bad, people. Bad/lazy writing, worse acting, and even worse characters. I don't have to be born in a different generation to see how utterly shit this movie was.

Dishonorable Mention) A Haunted House

It was like seeing the Wayans brothers make a movie to say "we don't have it anymore and we're tired of making films." The thought of seeing a movie that makes fun of a movie series I absolutely loath ("Paranormal Activity") was appealing, but I just got disappointed when I went to see it. Guess I really have to start adopting the pessimist way of thinking.  

Best Animated

Frozen

Putting this movie up here as the "Best Animated Movie of the Year," I fear, doesn't do it justice entirely; but since I am not so impressed to put it up here as "Best Movie" I guess this will have to do. It may not have been the best movie of the year, but it was one of them and I can't stress enough how much I was impressed by Disney finally changing up there formula. This is what I like to call "evolutionary" for a company that seemed way too set in their ways to ever do something surprising. The music was amazing and utterly addicting, I bought the soundtrack the next day and listened to it on repeat for a while. The voice acting away from the music was masterful as always. The story line and ending were the real gems for this movie, and I can only say that you might actually be surprised when you see it (so I don't ruin it). If you're a Disney fan this is the movie you have been waiting a while to see, if you don't see animated movies all the time you'll still like it, and if you have children I highly recommend that you take them to see this.

Honoable Mention) The Crood's

It's a more realistic "The Flintstones" and completely harmless. Plus, I'm pretty sure my readers have a slight idea of how I feel about Nick Cage, so realize that it took a lot for me to say this was actually good. Not great, but what other movies did I have to choose from? "Epic" the poorly paced, weirdly timed, yet still beautiful movie? Two sequels and a prequel that were okay at best? This was original property, and better than most other animated movies that came out this year. Done and done.

Worst Animated

Turbo

I really wish I could meet the guy that thought this movie was a good idea, so I could personally escort him to the nearest mental health facility. "Hey, you know what would be a great idea? Make a snail as fast as a formula one car and enter him in the Indy 500" to which I reply "Doesn't that just seem like your just trying to be overly ironic?" Anyways. Besides the general premise of this movie, it all just seemed so lazy. Of course the villain of the movie has to be French, I am surprised that they didn't have him there with a knife and fork. Of course the moral of the story is caught between follow your dreams and the special part of you is you. You know why they think they can get away with story telling like this? Because they think the star power of the movie is enough to sell the tickets. Yes, the actors were great at doing the voices but that is like saying that smoking is going to give you cancer. We know Paul Giamatti, Samuel L. Jackson, and Michael Pena are going to be good, it goes with out saying, and if that is the only thing people can bring as a defense to this movie, I'm sorry it just isn't enough. 

Dishonorable Mention) Planes

"Let's make a spinoff to Cars since that made so much money. We will still make it about racing, but this time the racer won't be built to go fast and we'll give him a really ironic phobia... like heights." Lazy writing, lazy writing, LAZY FUCKING WRITING! Ladies and gentleman I give you 2013, the year of irony.

Best Comic Book Movie

Kick Ass 2

Another movie that surprised the living hell out of me. Going into this I thought they were going to ruin the original concept of the original movie, which was: "What if a geek decided to put a costume on and go fight crime?" Not only did they keep that concept intact, they actually managed to due a better job at it than the original. I know a lot of loyalists are yelling at their screens right now but it is true. The moral of the story ended up being that the real heroes of the world are real people that take a stand against criminals/bullies, not the people in costumes. Not an original message but a welcome one in this era of comic book movies. Getting off the concept and message of the film, let's talk about the acting. Mainly, Jim Carrey. If there was ever anyone in the world that doubted Jim Carrey's ability to act outside of comedy, they can now look at this movie as a shining example of Jim Carrey's range. The rest of the cast was good; Jim Carrey was just better. The Jokes were pretty great, like Motherfucker saying that his superpower was being rich. The fight scenes were pretty awesome; the Hit Girl vs Mother Russia scene most of all (or really any fight scene with Mother Russia). Color me impressed by this, especially when the sequel comic book wasn't nearly as good as the movie.

Honorable Mention) Iron Man 3

We were all on the edge of our seats to see how "Post-Avengers" Marvel movies were going to turn out, and the verdict is: amazing. I liked the Thor sequel as well but this movie was just superior, when you look at it as being the best movie in the "Iron Man" trilogy. A pretty surprising ending and superb acting/storytelling set this movie above most of the other comic book movies this year.

Worst Comic Book Movie

Man of Steel

When you take into account that "Man of Steel" was a comic book movie this year, I guess my line about "Iron Man 3" being superior to most comic book movies this year loses some weight. Not only was this movie a bad comic book movie; not only was the movie a bad Superman movie; it was just a bad movie. I can respect that they didn't want to be like the comic books, or that they didn't want to be like the other movies, I just wish they could have tried to figure out what they actually wanted to do with this. Even if you don't compare it to the comic books the movie didn't make sense in its own realm. Why does Jor-El have a suit of armor in his lab if he was supposed to be bred for science not war? Why did he win against Zod the first time, shouldn't Zod have been bred to kick his ass? Since he did win doesn't the whole "being forced to follow a certain path" thing kind of lose its meaning, since he didn't follow his programming when he beat Zod? If Clark Kent was really trying to respect his human father's wishes why do we find him on one of the most dangerous jobs in the world as a man? So many unanswered questions, that this movie is laughing at us for trying to figure out. The extra characters that weren't Jor-El, Jonathan Kent, Zod or Superman all felt like set pieces. People that had to be there because it was a superman movie, not important to the plot in any other way (and yes that includes Lois Lane). They replaced any part of clarifying the story line with intense action scenes, because they heard that people didn't like the last movie due to "not enough action." I honestly feel bad for the people that had to be a part of this, especially Zack Snyder. He has done some great movies in his time, and it is horrible that the black mark on his record had to be this dark. At least I would feel bad for these people, if the box office reflected the movie's quality.

Dishonorable Mention) The Wolverine

Actually, I didn't mind this movie that much, besides "Man of Steel" they didn't have very many failures (in terms of comic book movies) this year. It was a little weird at times, and as far as X-Men goes its nothing we really haven't seen before. So, I guess that makes it worse than most of the other comic book movies the came out this year. So, yeah.

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Oh, what's that? "What about "R.E.D. 2" and "R.I.P.D.?" Yeah, I guess they were based of comic books, I couldn't tell with the barrel of a gun shaking in my mouth as I watched them. My mistake.

Best Movie Based Off of a Book

The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug

Hey, who says I am overly critical of a movie for not following the book? This movie made plenty of additions to the book and (if anything) the additions only improved it. Yeah, you guys are probably sharpening your replica "Sting" swords as I speak. Let me clarify. They didn't take anything out of the book, it was all still there, Peter Jackson just felt that he should fill the movie with more. I can never hold a director accountable for wanting to look at a book from a different angle. Hell, we as the reader try to read between the lines of books all the time. This guy just made what he read between the lines into a couple of scenes in the movie. What is there to say about this movie besides that? It's a "Hobbit/Lord of the Rings" movie. The acting was amazing, the music was amazing, the choreography was amazing, the effects were amazing, the movie was amazing. Nothing can be touched upon that hasn't been touched upon in the previous movies. These films are just superior, and each one that comes out proves that. 

Honorable Mention) Hunger Games: Catching Fire

Okay, so I may have had a slight problem with what the creators decided to delete from this movie. Mainly when Haymitch's character suffered for their deletion. I'm still saying it was good, it just could have been better. At least the ending was left intact. 

Worst Movie Based Off of a Book

Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters

There comes a time when being a failure the first time you make a movie isn't enough, you have to exceed your failure with a sequel. At least this is what it seems that the creators of the "Percy Jackson" films were saying to themselves when they released this movie. It was like seeing the cliff notes version of a movie mixed with a director's thoughts of how the book should have ended without actually reading the ending. It's really hard for me not to be pissed off about how far off from the book this was, but I'll try to give a review of this movie that isn't laced with fanboy rage. There were only two good actors in it, and one was only in it for about a tenth of the film. The other actors seemed to be trying out for a high school play. The story line (away from the book) was all over the place, lacked pace and (more so) depth. Umm... the effects were cheap and bland, like they were trying to CGI by numbers. Umm....hmmm. Okay, so that is the part of my review that isn't pissed off about the book, but I need to get this off my chest. How the hell are you going to put Cronos in the second movie, you uncultured hacks. Seriously, in what universe was it a good idea to have Percy Jackson beat Cronos so early in the series. Oh, I'm sorry; did I spoil this piece of garbage movie for someone among the one percent of people that actually still give a shit about this series after the first disaster? Deal with it. The only thing that could make me even remotely happy about seeing this movie in the first place is if they decided that the final fight scene with Cronos meant they were going to stop destroying this book series.

Dishonorable Mention) The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones

This movie set a new standard for being mediocre. Their were plenty of parts in it from the book but the reveal at the end makes me think that there is no point in making the other books into movies, the acting ranged from decent to awful, the fight scenes were kind of interesting but overall lacked appeal, and.... you really want to know why "World War Z" isn't on here, don't you? Okay guys, let's talk about "World War Z" real quick. The movie was good. It may have had little to nothing to do with the book of the same name, but if you look at it away from the book as a guideline it really is an interesting watch. Deal with it, Max Brooks fans. Now you get to feel how we felt when they came out with "The Hulk." When everyone was telling us it was good and we couldn't look past it being so far off of the comic book. 

Best movie

Gravity

If it wasn't for "Gravity," "Pacific Rim" might have actually taken most visually appealing movie of the year. It wasn't only beautiful just for the special effects; the cinematography was legendary. The shots that were taken in this movie (even during the action sequences) should be in some kind of art museum. Aside from that, it was really refreshing to see Sandra Bullock finally do well in a dramatic role, and George Clooney is always spectacular. The survivor story line they set up was generally appealing especially when they started making Sandra Bullock hallucinate. It kept you on the edge of your seat and made you think; even more than that, it did what I keep saying movies should be trying to do. It was entertaining. They could have just made some bland movie about an astronaut trapped in space but ended up making this movie that led you on a roller coaster of emotions. This movie could have fallen flat on its face, but instead rose to the occasion and kept us interested the entire way through. Please respect that I am not a science major, and I don't know if everything in the movie was scientifically accurate, nor do I give a shit. It was a good movie and whether or not it was scientifically accurate really doesn't make a difference in my opinion of the film.

Honorable Mention) The Book Thief

Okay so big reveal time. I wasn't able to see "Her," "12 years a Slave," or "Saving Mr. Banks." From what I hear those movies would have probably knocked this off of my honorable mention, so I am sorry I have been in a country where my resources for good cinema are limited. I can't remember if I read this book in middle school or not so that is why it is not among the other movies in "Best Movie Adaptation of a Book." It was good though, excellent in fact. I liked the narrator, the story line following people that weren't necessarily Nazi undesirables, and the child actors in this make me think I need to make a new child actor list.  

Worst Movie

The Lone Ranger

It's funny really. The movie is called "The Lone Ranger" but Johnny Depp has top billing as Tonto. That should have prepared for what was to come with this, but I don't think anything could have prepared me for the absolute shit this movie turned out to be. So let's look at "Tonto: The Movie" shall we? Aside from the whole ridiculously offensive nature of Mr. Depp's character, apparently he forgot how to act like someone that isn't Capatain Jack Sparrow. That is depressing, but really there isn't a whole lot of this movie that isn't depressing. Armie Hammer is a good actor and his abilities are squandered here, Johnny Depp is growing to big for his britches when he is allowed to make creative additions to the story line (just because he got it right once in Pirates, doesn't mean he is a creative genius), they make too many obscure references to a franchise that is over half a century old. Aside from all this, the real killer for the movie was the story line; then again, that is always a killer for any movie. I don't know who was calling for a "Lone Ranger" movie, but I wasn't one of them, and even if I was I would certainly have been calling for a better movie. 

Dishonorable Mention) Jobs

Sometimes a movie comes along that just wants to watch the world of apple burn, or at least not pay the proper amount of respect to the person it is trying to idolize. Don't get me wrong, I love it when movies about influential people make them human instead of some sort of Superman, but when this movie did that it didn't feel natural. All of the negative aspects about Steve Jobs felt forced, the pacing was really off (some times the movie felt like it was moving in fast forward, other times it felt like slow motion), Ashton Kutcher was a horrible choice for this role, and what's worse is that it seemed like he was trying to prove it. Steve Jobs deserved better, the audience deserved better, hell even Ashton Kutcher deserved better.

That's it for this list ladies and gentleman. I wish you all a happy New Year when it comes around, and wish us all a great movie going experience in the days to come. If you want my opinion on other categories this year, go ahead and check the pictures below. Why am I giving you more categories in a separate small list below? I didn't see enough movies this year to have a total of twelve good categories and their bad counter parts; I also didn't want to leave you all without at least mentioning some of these movies. So here we go, LIGHTNING ROUND!

Best Horror

The Conjuring

Actually scared me, which has been hard to do since "Paranormal Activity" started breeding into other shitty movies.

Honorable Mention)Evil Dead

Amazing adaptation of the original, brought it into the new world in style with over the top gore and over the top everything.

Worst Horror

Insidious: Chapter 2

I found a contender for worst horror series in history; this took any appeal/mystery the first one offered and killed it.

Dishonorable Mention)Every Horror that came out that wasn't "Evil Dead" and "The Conjuring"

If a horror movie is not scary, it is a bad horror movie. Since the only two scary horror movies this year were the two mentioned movies, all other movies can go choose another genre.

Most Surprisingly Good

Prisoners

I thought this was just going to be another revenge movie; instead I got an intense mystery that kept me enthralled through out the entire running time.

Honorable Mention) White House Down

I thought it was going to be another "Olympus Has Fallen;" instead I got another "Die Hard." Thank you for showing up that series in the same year they released a fifth installment. 

Most Disappointingly awful

The Purge

Such an amazing concept, wasted on them transforming it into a slasher movie. Equated to: a reason that we can say they didn't try to call 911.

Dishonorable Mention) Riddick

Had so much hope for this movie. I loved the first, liked the second, and then this made it abundantly clear that Vin Diesel needs to stop making these movies.

Best Revival of a Series

Oz: The Great and Powerful

A good homage to "The Wizard of Oz" and very beautiful. This seemed to be the year of Franco, he did amazing in everything I saw him in (even with what I said about "This is The End").

Honorable Mention) The Fast and the Furious 6

The most interested I have been in the series since it first came to the theaters. Generally enthralling and even had a magic runway in it.

Worst Revival of a Series

A Good Day to Die Hard

You should be embarrassed when another movie is better at "Die Hard-ing" than you are. Shame on you for making this every man into Rambo. 

Dishonorable Mention) Carrie

I didn't mind this movie per se, I just wished for more from it. It was basically like watching the movie from the seventies, but with new technology. Nothing a remake should try to be. 

*Special Edtion* "Frozen" vs. "Tangled'

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*Spoiler Warning* Seriously, don't read this if you haven't seen either of these two movies, the best part of "Frozen" is the ending.

Hello loyal readers, and welcome to a special edition of Dustin's Dirty Dozen. Yes, there is no list here, instead it is a battle between the most recent amazing Disney movie (Frozen) and their last amazing movie (Tangled). This is also my way of giving the finger to the holidays, I don't like Christmas and didn't want to do a Christmas list (this year). I guess you are wondering why "Wreck-It Ralph" isn't taking the spot of "Tangled," since it was more recent. Truth is "Tangled" was just a better movie over all, and I don't think "Wreck-It Ralph" could take "Frozen" in the ring. Tangled is going to have a hard enough time doing that on its own, but I promise a fair match between the two. It would probably be more fair if I had another writer on here, but my resources are limited. We will be judging the two movies in many different categories, it will not be a straight up "which movie is better" (basically, I'm going to pick these two films apart). Let's get it on!

Round 1) Princesses

Elsa and Anna vs. Rapunzel 

Anna and Elsa

Doesn't seem quite fair to have a two on one match does it? The fact of the matter is that "Frozen" doubles up on a lot of things and that can't be helped. So, here we have two Disney princesses, one normal red head and one powerful frost mage. They both bring something pretty amazing to the table in terms of character. On the one hand you have Anna, who is a very stereotypical Disney princess. Got locked in her castle, cut off from the world. Believes in love at first site, since she falls for the first guy she sees. Sings. What could she possibly have to bring to the table that we have not seen before? Turns out she is really a prince in disguise, when she goes on a journey to find her sister and bring her back down from a mountain. Braving the elements and dangers that it entails. Sure, she asks the first guy she meets to be her guide, but the initial intention remains the same. She is a clumsy, less talented version of Merida. (the main character in "Brave")

Her sister, Elsa, on the other hand is the polar opposite in almost every conceivable fashion. She embraces her confinement, since she is the cause and doesn't want to hurt anyone with her power. She is more grounded and thinks that you need to know someone for more than a couple of hours in order to love them. She also has friggin' ice powers, which is pretty awesome. She is different than any other princess for these reasons. There is also that moment where you aren't sure if she is going to be the next big Disney villain, when she freaks out and goes up a mountain into isolation. She is a superior character to build a movie off of. She spends all this time embracing the walls that surround her, because her parents were afraid that she would be run out of town or kill someone; then when that actually happens she let's her freak fly and makes a big ice castle (complete with ice golem guard). She has some major mental issues, and provides the audience with a little more depth.

Rapunzel

Now, we have the girl with the long hair. She is basically a mixture of the two princesses above, she embraces her tower that she was locked in, but at the same time yearns for freedom. She is rebellious, yet ditsy. Confident, yet unsure. Throughout the first act of the movie it's fun to just assume she has multiple personality disorder. Her character suffers though, for eventually turning into every other Disney princess by falling for the first guy that comes through her window (literally). I think it could have been a bit better character development if the characters seemed to have more in common than one saying "Hey! You're pretty," and the other replying "Hey! You're pretty too! Let's base a relationship off of our good looks!" Now, I know what you are thinking here, "But Dustin, all Disney princesses fall in love with the first guy that gives them the time of day, you should expect this." That would be true if it wasn't for the two above princesses (and Merida, I guess). Anna gets her heart broken for falling for the first guy she meets, when it turns out he's a dick. The second guy she meets is nice, but they're taking it slow (no hint of a marriage at the end of the movie). Elsa is a strong, independent woman "that don't need no man" (because she has ice powers and is a bad ass). I'm not saying that falling in love drags down a character (by all means let the girls get theirs), what I'm saying is falling in love stupidly drags down a character, unless you are Anna who paid for that mistake.

Winner: Elsa and Anna For having cool (sorry for the pun) powers and setting a better standard for Disney Princesses.
In "Mortal Kombat" terms: Elsa freezes Rapunzel's heart and is distracted by Anna from finding Flynn to heal her, by Anna talking to her about hot boys.

Round 2) Love Interest

Kristoff and Hans vs. Flynn Rider

Kristoff and Hans

Yeah, I warned you that this movie doubles up on a lot of different things, but maybe Flynn can take on two strapping, young lads at once. First we take Kristoff, the ice salesman in the middle of a snow storm. He is also an orphan of some sort, now being raised by trolls. When he and Anna meet and she revels that she is engaged to a person that she has known for all of a half-a-day, he instantly calls her on being retarded. That's a positive. I don't think I would be able to hold back some choice comments to anyone that told me they were getting married to an attractive bartender in Las Vegas, because he is pretty. Besides that, his main role in the film is to make sure that Anna doesn't fall down any open manholes, and try to slap some sense into her.

When I talk about Hans I'm going to only be referring to Hans before he makes the reveal that he is, in fact: a total dick. Hans and her seem to have some major chemistry, and by that I of course mean that: they are attracted to each other, nothing else (they even have a song in the movie celebrating their differences, which they think are similarities). Away from his love life it appears that he is actually an alright guy. He is taking care of the village while the two royal bloodline remaining gallivant aimlessly through the forest. In fact, he does such a good job I'd say that he would actually be a better ruler than the two rightful heirs. Let's look at it this way. While the sisters are off playing "come down the mountain so these men can hang you," Hans is giving away soup in the castle and handing out blankets. When the heirs come back and kick out Hans, the first order of business is cutting off a major trading embargo, just because he tried to kill someone with ice powers (by all rights, during this time frame I'm surprised she wasn't burned at the stake for witch craft). Business ethics 101, if you have to bite the bullet to make your client happy, do it. This might be a bit of a stretch, because we never saw how the sisters would react to a tragedy happening to their village (that wasn't their fault).

Flynn

Now we have Flynn Rider, real name Eugene Fitzherbert. Another orphan that went for the glamorous life of a thief, instead of a hard working ice salesman (salt of the earth those ice salesman). This actual gives his character more depth than most love interests in Disney. He isn't the captain of a Chinese army, he isn't a god who has had his godhood stolen, he isn't a handsome prince, and he doesn't have a real job. You could say that Aladdin was close since he had to steal too, but Flynn's reason for stealing was far less noble. He just wants to be rich, he's not stealing to survive. That depth makes his character one of the best in the movie (and that "I don't sing" line, of course). If we want to go deep into Flynn, we could say the only reason he stopped stealing was because he married into money, but that is kind of like the above rant about Hans being a good leader. He has some great quips, and shows Disney fans that you don't always have to follow a set moral code to be a good guy.

Winner: Flynn Talking specifically in terms of their characters as love interests before one turned out to be a dick, Flynn is just a better character.
In "Mortal Kombat" Terms: Hans betrays Kristoff to his death, and Flynn bludgeons the winner with a frying pan.

Round 3) Antagonist

Hans vs. Mother Gothel

Hans

I guess I could put the Duke up here, since he was the antagonist for the first two acts (or the Stabbington Brothers), but what did he really do besides call for the head of the queen a lot (and what did they really do besides look menacing). With these characters it really comes down to the biggest betrayal in the end (and how they effected the character, not the audience). Let's look at Hans first. Hans was setting himself to be a real superhero: giving food and blankets to a village undergoing a second Ice Age. He is supposedly just as love sick for Anna as she is for him, but when Anna comes back in need of an act of true love to save her, he let's her die. That's right! Turns out his plan all along was to eventually steal the crown Shakespeare style when they were married, but now that she is knocking on heaven's door he doesn't need to go through the hassle. Anna is heart broken of course, but more worried about her impending demise. Hans quickly comes up with a story about Anna and him exchanging wedding vows before she "died," and calls for the death of Elsa as recompense. So there it is, betrayal of your first love. Welcome to reality kids, it's full of assholes.

Mother Gothel

Now we have Mother Gothel, some sort of witch-like thing. She never really uses magic (save for her infamous "I want to be young and pretty again" song, and making fog appear behind her, then disappearing into the night like Batman), but she stinks of witchcraft. So she sings to this flower for eternal youth (guess it's easier than the lazarus pit, looking at you Ra's Al Ghul), the kingdom picks the flower to save their queen, the queen is pregnant and the baby inherits the flower power (that's right hippies, you have a princess now), Gothel steals the baby to raise it as her own. When all of this is finally revealed to the main character Rapunzel, she revolts of course and refuses to let this woman (who was raising her since she was a baby) use her power. Even through this betrayal, Rapunzel still looks sad when her mother grows old and falls to her death. That's what makes her a good villain. She had this child growing more and more devoted to her, and in every sense she was Rapunzel's mother. Sat through all of the tantrums, nursed her, and raised her. Rapunzel didn't know her real parents, she wanted to get to know them after she found out (like any adopted child in a movie), but this was the woman that kept her safe. How do we know that if she grew up with her real parents she wouldn't be forced into an arranged marriage (or something worse that is still relevant to medieval times)? Sure, she kept this girl safe for the wrong, selfish reasons; but what parent doesn't make mistakes? This would all fit, if it wasn't for that scene where Rapunzel was chained up in the tower. She went from misunderstood, to abusive parent pretty quick after that.

Winner: Mother Gothel Betrayal of a family member is worse than the betrayal of your first love. I see much counseling in Rapunzel's future.
In "Mortal Kombat" Terms: Hans tries to get Gothel to fall in love with him, it doesn't work and she shanks him in the back.

Round 4) Animal/Not Human Sidekicks

Olaf and Sven Vs. Maximus and Pascal

 

Olaf and Sven

This seems a little unfair, since one of the characters I'm referencing in "Frozen" can talk, but maybe Maximus and Pascal can pull it out in the end. Olaf is a snowman, accidentally brought to life by Elsa's powers and Sven is Kristoff's trusty stead (who he has conversations with when he provides Sven's dialogue, and acts as kind of a Jiminy Cricket). You can't really go too deep into these character's, since they are mainly just for comic relief and to sell toys, but let's just look at them on their basic premise. Olaf is a snowman who has never felt heat and yearns for summertime, not knowing "what solid water does when it gets warm" to quote the man himself. Which is an interesting way to look at a more naive Frosty the Snowman. Olaf is a reindeer that apparently thinks he is a dog, when he does tricks and even plays fetch. He serves as a good soundboard for Kristoff and (as stated before) a conscience. Not really much to him besides the dog and Kristoff bit, sadly.

Maximus and Pascal

Okay, time for Maximus and Pascal. Maximus is a horse that switches between thinking he is a person to thinking he is a dog (when Rapunzel is around). Pascal is the chameleon version of Sven, sound board, been there for Rapunzel for a while, and random talks between the two characters (no voice over by Rapunzel, unfortunately). Maximus is the real contender in this bout, Pascal is cool and all, but he didn't get promoted at the end of the movie. Maximus is one of the most driven support characters Disney has come up with (and what's more he has an actual purpose besides "I'm here for the laughs," although he does cause some chuckles). He will do anything and everything to make sure Flynn finds justice. That is anything except for break some pretty blonde girl's heart. Yes, the thing that kills his quest (that he has been suffering through the entire movie to achieve), is a little girl asking him politely to stop. What does this teach kids? Work for your goal and do whatever it takes to see it completed, unless a girl with big green eyes tells you not to and gives you pets.

Winner: Olaf and Sven Olaf is funny and gets a hilarious solo song, Sven is a better version of Pascal hands down.
In "Mortal Kombat" Terms: Sven impales Maximus with his horns, and Olaf drowns Pascal in snow.

Round 5) Best Joke about Disney cliches

Love at First Site vs. Singing

Love at First Site

Both of these movies take shots at old Disney. From Disney's trademarked love at first site to most Disney cartoons being musicals (coincidentally the two we are talking about). First, let's go with Frozen's joke about love at first site. The joke comes in many different forms, from Anna's Sister saying it is a bad idea, to a song, then finally Kristoff's rant about it. The best part is that this joke is followed up by all of the characters that were telling Anna it was a bad idea being proven right. Let's just talk about the main joke for the time being though. Which is: Kristoff and Anna talking about it on their sled ride. When Kristoff finds out that Anna is engaged to a man that she just met, he flips, trying to understand the logic behind her naive stupidity. They get attacked by wolves and he still can't seem to trust her judgement knowing that she is engaged to a man she just met.

Singing

"Sorry boys, I don't sing." This is the joke that made "Tangled" so famous for a lot of people, and is the main selling point of the film when someone is advertising it to a friend. But it is a one stop shop for the film, they never really come back to it, and Flynn even contradicts himself when he sings with Rapunzel (or his love caused him to see the error of his none singing ways, whatever). It's funny seeing him look confused/frightened by a bar of "ruffians" breaking into song (than commenting on it), but it just didn't have as much depth as the love at first site gag. So regardless to say...

Winner: Love at first site for all the reasons I just said

Round 6) Storyline

Misleading pictures leading the reader to think I am talking about the books

"Frozen"

I'm going to be looking at the basic storyline, saving the endings for a later battle. So, Frozen's storyline consists of Anna's memory being wiped by trolls after a traumatic accident involving Elsa's ice powers; this also forces the two girls into captivity in their castle. Unfortunately for the girls they are in a Disney film, and that means their parents have to die , which leaves Elsa as the heir to the throne (Don't agree this is a Disney cliche? See: "Bambi," "The Hunchback of Notre Dame," "Lion King," "Finding Nemo," "Fox and the Hound," even "Peter Pan," plus many more). During the day she is taking the crown, they are forced to open the gates of the castle to the general public, and Anna final gets to see people on the outside. In another classic Disney fashion she falls in love with the first handsome stranger she meets (Again, if you don't believe that this is a Disney cliche, please see: "Aladdin," "Sleeping Beauty," "Snow White," "Cinderella," "Mulan," "Tangled," "Pocahontas," "The Little Mermaid," and many more). Of course, they get engaged the day they meet and need to tell Elsa for a blessing. Elsa says no (because while she has been locked up as long as Anna has, it apparently hasn't effected her common sense) and Anna gets pissed (because she is child throwing a temper tantrum, asking for her toy back) leading her into a confrontation that releases Elsa's pent up power. Elsa get's chased out of town for witchcraft Frankenstein style, and houses herself on a mountain in a self made ice castle. Anna takes it upon herself to go and get her sister, because she is convinced she is the only one that can talk Elsa off the mountain ledge.

"Tangled"

Tangled, follows the exploits of Rapunzel, a character so old your great-great-grandparents could read you stories about her. Unlike your great-great-grandparent's fables, this take on the story has a little more detail as to exactly why Rapunzel was locked in the tower and why her hair was so long in the first place. A woman known as Mother Gothel finds a flower that has been struck by a drop of sunlight. The flower has the power to heal anything, even age. She greedily hordes the flower for herself, to stay young for forever. One day the kingdom closest to the flower needs a miracle to heal their pregnant queen (because Disney will be damned if they let another parent die on their watch, at least with the child is still in the womb). They find the flower and give it to the queen, saving her, but passing the flower's power along to their baby. Mother Gothel finds out that the baby has this power and steals her (insert "Hercules" joke here), raising the child as her own. She knows now that if you cut the baby's hair the power will come out of it (insert biblical joke here), and has it grow to unnatural lengths. Rapunzel grows up and on the eve of her eighteenth birthday (because Disney does not support statutory rape) she grows the courage to ask her "mother" to leave the tower. She says no of course, and this forces Rapunzel to rebel, leading her to go on her own with a stranger that came through her window.

Winner: "Frozen" One princess doesn't even know why she is locked up, ice powers are better than long hair, and at least we have a female heroin going to rescue her sister instead of a prince. Disney is evolving people, get with it.

Round 7) Music

Soundtrack against soundtrack

Actually, not the whole soundtrack that would take forever, and as I've stated in other issues I'm not a music critic (see: my love for shitty music on the radio); however, I can take a look at the most popular songs from both, then derive the better lyrics and placement in movie.

SO!

"Let It Go" vs. "I See the Light"

"Let it Go"

"Let it Go" is Disney's greatest musical accomplishment since "Reflection" in "Mulan." Why? Because it is just so damn different. When you are listening to it on your MP3 player there is a moment when you forget that Disney made it, instead of some other (more raw) musical. I shouldn't have been surprised since the singer of this song is most noted for her performance in the musical "Wicked." I just love how it leads up to the ending. It starts out with Elsa acting all "Woah is me, how shall I ever go on?" then transforms into this big number where she finally gets to embrace her powers. I guess this match up isn't really fair since I have had this song stuck in my head since I saw the movie; but that's the thing, this is the first Disney movie in a while to actually get a song stuck in my head after watching the film only one time.

"I See the Light"

Now we have a song that is "A Whole New World" for the current generation. Don't get me wrong it is still a good song, but it stinks of Aladdin and other over done love songs. It is all about how Rapunzel and Flynn have been blind to the world and now they can "see the light" since they are with the one they love (still think I am joking about it being like "A Whole New World"). Flynn talks about how he was such a fool for chasing his dream to be rich and Rapunzel talks about how she is living her dream after being locked up in her tower.

Winner: "Let it Go" There are some theory's put forth by a critic I follow saying that this is tied in with the LGBTQ community. That might be a little more of a stretch than I am willing to admit, but the fact remains that it is a great song. Disney really hit it out of the park with this one.

Round 8)Ending

Hans' Betrayal and Anna's Sacrifice vs. Flynn Rider's Sacrifice 

Hans' Betrayal and Anna's Sacrifice

This is the most significant part of the movie, and it gives me a chance to talk about something I haven't had the opportunity for yet. So as I said before, Hans is a dick and this is why: he left Anna to die a slow and painful death. Here's the back story. Anna just got shot with an ice blast from Elsa in her heart (the first time she got blasted from Elsa it was in the head, and her parents locked down the castle), so Kristoff takes her to see his family. His family are trolls who helped with this before, only this time they cannot do anything for her. They tell her that she is in a Disney movie and that means "only an act of true love can cure you" (they didn't really tell her that she is in a Disney movie, keep up). So, with her true love being back at Camp Auschwitz (erm...I mean Arendelle) her and Kristoff run to see him so they can kiss. Kristoff drops her off and she is in the arms of Hans all alone. They are moments away from kissing when he reveals that he is a dick, and leaves her to die. Olaf the snowman shows up and breaks her out of the castle to find her actual true love Kristoff, who is also headed back to grab her. During this time Hans is using his new found dick-hood to execute the queen, she escapes and starts a blizzard. King dick is right on her heels with a sword, and eventually catches up with her through the storm. Anna sees her sister about to be beheaded while seeing her salvation in Kristoff putting her in a hard spot. She makes the sacrifice choice and jumps in front of dick's blade, turning to ice in the process. Since this is Disney, we know that she has a about a fifty-fifty shot of either, coming out of this without frost bite or being Arendelle's newest ice sculpture. She comes out of it and it is revealed that the act of true love she needed was the love of her sister. Elsa figures out that when she feels love she can reverse her ice and Arendelle is saved. Amazing, right? Disney finally let go of a kiss being the cure-all to everything and let the sisterly bond cure Elsa. That is what makes me think we are going to be seeing a new, more evolved Disney from this point on. It doesn't always have to be a knight in shining armor to save you from the dragon, sometimes you can just double team the dragon with your sibling.

Flynn's Sacrifice

After a daring escape (with the help of the ruffian's Flynn and Rapunzel had a sing-a-long with) Flynn boldly comes through the window of Rapunzel's tower to save her from Mother Gothel. Only to be shanked from behind by Mother Gothel as he makes it through the window. Rapunzel makes a deal with her captor "let me save my boo and I will go with you willingly." Gothel allows this and Rapunzel goes to save him against Flynn's wishes. Flynn tries to get a kiss from Rapunzel, but instead of slipping her the tongue he cuts off her magic-healing-hair, sacrificing himself to beat Gothel. Gothel turns old and trips out of the tower window, turning to dust when she hits the ground. Rapunzel cries over Flynn and saves him with her tears. Pretty straight forward, tear-jerking moment. The two go see her real parents (the king and queen), then live happily ever after.

Winner: "Frozen" This was an obvious choice, since the ending of Frozen is what made Frozen so good in the first place.

Final Round) Lightning Round: Voices   

 




Princess) Kirsten Bell vs. Mandy Moore

Winner: Draw Mandy is the better singer, Kirsten is the better actor. That's a toss up.

Princess) Idina Menzel vs. Mandy Moore

Winner: Idina Menzel Idina is a more defined singer, who is also more experienced with musicals

Villain) Santino Fontana vs. Donna Murphy

Winner: Donna Murphy Santino is still coming into his own as an actor, and Donna is better/more classically trained (at least for now).

Lover) Jonathan Groff vs. Zachary Levi

Winner: Zachary Levi Just all around a better voice actor, and he turned out to be a better singer.

Support Villain) Ron Perlman vs. Alan Tudyk

Winner: Draw They are two amazing voice actors. Alan can put forth more characters and inflection in his voices, but you just can't beat Ron's presence (if you don't believe me about Ron please check out "Teen Titans").

Overall Winner of voices: Draw There are some amazing voices in here, I could have had a tie breaker for Josh Gad as Olaf, but I really had no one to compare him to on "Tangled." Maybe you can take that as win for "Frozen," but I still say this is a draw.

Final Score: 7 to 3 Frozen's favor

Winner

Final thoughts

Frozen is a great movie, even if you aren't accustomed to seeing animated films. I'm not saying it is perfect, but it is the closest Disney has come to perfect in a long time. If you haven't seen it, why did you read this and please go see it. I love "Tangled" as well, but in terms of quality "Frozen" is just a different kind of beast. Let's all hope that Disney can continue this trend in future installments. Maybe their next movie can take a shot at how Disney likes to kill parents, who knows. With a future that includes "Finding Dory," "Toy Story 4" and a "Planes" sequel I don't know how bright Disney's future is, but than again there are movies like "Maleficent" to give us hope.