Hello, loyal readers and welcome to another edition of Dustin's Dirty Dozen; this week we delve deeper into our favorite superheros by looking at their worst moments with the top 12 worst movies based on comic books. Now, I will try to keep this as far away from geek rage as I can, but the movies did piss me off with how far away they were from the comics, so you will probably see a couple instances where I geek out. Anyways, let's get to it and start this crap train.
12) Blade: Trinity
I guess one of the three big movies that brought comic books into the mainstream world of cinema (X-Men, Spider-Man, Blade) had to have some bad sequels and none worse than this. I don't know who was calling for a showdown between Dracula and Blade but I sure wasn't one of them, because the concept is just flawed. Especially when taking into account the tagline of the previews for the movie. "He's fought their gods, He's fought their enemies and now he will meet their maker:" To me, God just outweighs maker (even if God or gods are makers). After you fight a god it kind of all goes down hill from there. Besides the overall concept being flawed, the effects were dated, even for the day and age it was created. It was like watching someone make a movie on their cell phone and use windows movie maker to apply the extra touches. The final nail in the coffin (so to speak) for this was the acting. Just because "The Rock" turns out to be a good actor doesn't mean lightning will strike twice when you cast "Triple H." Wesley Snipes seemed like his heart was no longer in the role and he was just collecting a paycheck, and Dominic Purcell was trying to compete with William Shatner in the overacting department. Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Biel were the only ones that actually seemed like they were actors throughout the entire movie. I don't say that just because Ryan Reynolds was topless through out a greater portion of the film.
11) Spawn
Remember when I said the graphics were dated for the movie above? Well that curse applies to this movie as well; when you can't even make fire look realistic there is a major problem with your movie. Now, I loved Todd MacFarlane's series on paper; it was original, controversial, and dark which was a breath of fresh air (not from Todd obviously but to the comic industry), but this movie did that series absolutely no justice. The villain was ridiculous and didn't even seem that necessary to the film, taking into account the final battle that may have lasted all of two minutes. My biggest problem was the acting, which is probably going to be a recurring theme by the end of this article. Michael Jai White, our anti-hero and main character Spawn, turns out to be another candidate for worst case of overacting. It takes a special talent to have an actor like Martin Sheen and make him seem like this was his first movie. The only saving grace of this entire catastrophe of a movie was John Leguizamo (in clown form), showing us the meaning of acting by playing something completely out of the norm for him and hitting the role out of the park.
10) Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
Not going to lie to you all, a good portion of the reason this is on here has to do with geek rage about "Glactus the Cloud." I didn't necessarily expect the whole big head piece or purple/pink long johns, but I at least expected something humanoid or tangible. Any credibility that the first movie gained with brilliant casting (sans Jessica Alba) was destroyed in the blink of an eye by under-powering the Silver Surfer and equating the most dangerous entity in the universe to some gas that travels through space. Aside from that I'm going to take a stab in the dark and say that nobody in the theater could buy what the story line was trying to sell us. Something just tells me that with the way they were pitching the Silver Surfer he would have annihilated Dr. Doom before he had the chance to plan something. Onto the acting side of the movie, we get to see just how miserable people can be at their job when you make them do a bad sequel to an ok movie. Even Jessica Alba acted worse in this (if that is even possible) and proves to the audience that a career in modeling would have probably been better, if not just more humane.
9) Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance
What happens when you make a movie based off a beloved comic book character that drives fans to run for their nearest internet connection to complain to whomever will listen? You rub salt in the wound by making an even worse sequel to the hated feature, of course! It seemed like they just wrote down a bunch of cliche plot devices, tossed them in the air and started throwing darts at them, using whatever stuck to make a movie. Hidden coven of protectors? Check! Child made to be the chosen one whom our anti-hero has to eventually save? Check! Superhero loses his superpower? Check! In fact, the only thing thing that this movie seemed to be missing was a sudden but inevitable betrayal....oh, wait they did that too. I think I have talked enough trash about the story line; besides, at least the acting made up for it, right? Oh yeah, they still have Nicholas Cage as the lead role, but maybe Idris Elba can make up for that. No, nothing makes up for Nicholas Cage being the star in anything. Sorry.
8) Superman Returns
Our boy in blue made it on the list and he is not number one. This just has to show you how god awful the following movies are. Anyways, this movie should have been used for a guide line on "what not to do" by DC, but sadly they made "Green Lantern" and showed us how much worse things could have been. You would think that the no-name Brandon Routh would have been a smart move for the film, but that doesn't work if you pick a no-name that can't actually act. You would think that focusing more on character development and plot instead of action sequences would have been an interesting take on the series, but that doesn't work when you have limited dialogue. You would think that putting old footage of Marlon Brando playing Jor-El on would be cool, but than again, no you wouldn't. Ever. Since that steals a paycheck from a living actor and gives it to a dead one. The only thing I could say in redemption for this movie would be at least Kevin Spacey played the best Lex Luthor I have ever seen.
7) Elektra
I am going to admit something that may lose me my "Geek Club Membership Card," but it has to be said. I didn't mind Daredevil. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner may have been unwise choices as the lead roles, but at least there was Michael Clarke Duncan, Colin Farrell, and Jon Favreau to help pick up the pieces. Now that we are past that, any hope of this series being something to build off of was shot to death when they released "Elektra." Whatever good acting was in "Daredevil" was no where to be seen in "Elektra," with most of the cast giving performances better suited for daytime soap operas. The choreography was cheap as were the special effects. Finally, the main plot device of "assassin caring for her targets" is so over used that it might combat "amnesia" in the cliche department. If I had to try and defend this movie, I guess I could say Jennifer Garner fans can rejoice, getting to see her again. I just don't know who would possibly admit to actually being a Jennifer Garner fan.
6) Spider-Man 3
Whoever thought Topher Grace was a good cast for Eddie Brock (A.K.A. Venom) needs to be locked up in a psych-ward. I just don't understand how you can do pretty well with the first two movies and completely demolish everything that was built up by making this load of garbage. Sad to say it makes me question director Sam Raimi. Take your pick of reasons why this movie was bad: "Emo" Peter Parker, unnecessary and confusing dance number, and improper use of Gwen Stacy. I think the most disappointing part of not only this movie but the entire series, was being led up to eventually expect The Lizard as a main villain, only to have him show up in the remake. On the less geek filled rage portion of this, you also have phoned-in acting, horrible plot, and bad choreography. I guess if I could say one good thing about this movie, it's that it finally got Tobey Maguire out of that awkward kid persona and into a fresh skin. Unfortunately that skin was doing a poorly choreographed jig to bad jazz music.
5) X-Men: The Last Stand
The great part about X-Men movies is that there are a plethora of bad ones to choose from, none worse than this. It is like they weren't even trying to make a good movie when they put Vinnie Jones as the Juggernaut, and in no way tied him to Charles Xavier. They started killing off characters just to try and get an emotional reaction from the audience, instead of actually making it relevant to the story line. They seemed to have picked up their makeup artist for Beast from one of those cheap, roadside horror houses. They used shock and awe to replace the lack of plot, and fell short shocking and awing the audience. Finally, they seemed to have too much going on at once, like the movie was flooded with half finished story. Jealous girlfriend, uncontrollable force, multiple personality, a few good guys versus an army of bad, etc. The list really does go on. I guess the one saving grace of this movie was Sir Patrick Stewart and Sir Ian McKellen, but even their performances suffered. It seemed like even they didn't believe in the movie.
4) Catwoman
Funniest part about this movie being on my list is searching for it in IMDB (to make sure I don't misspell names) and seeing the "people who liked this also liked..." "Steel," "Batman and Robin" and "The Spirit." Like the only people that like this movie are predestined to only like bad movies. Anyways, as if IMDB wasn't enough to sell my point this movie also got numerous Razzie Awards that ended up getting Halle Berry into the history books as the first actress to accept hers in person. This movie has to be somewhere as the definition of "bad cinema," like if I were to Urban Dictionary that term, a picture of S&M Catwoman would be there. Ok, so the story line was taken through a meat grinder and gave us an unbelievable plot sprinkled with cliche devices and a dash of boring the audience to tears. The acting was atrocious to anyone's standards and that is saying a lot with someone like Sharon Stone in the movie. It all just ended up being a movie that people actually interested in women could add to their "spank banks," which I guess is the only good thing I can say about this trainwreck.
3) Green Lantern
I heard a rumor Ryan Reynolds was going to be The Flash in a movie and got excited, than I heard it got changed to Green Lantern and was intrigued, then let down. Whoever did the special effects surrounding Parallax should be hiding under a rock somewhere from embarrassment, because when I saw him flying through space I felt like I was transported back to the "sixties D rated horror" genre. I was just waiting to see strings holding the monster in the air or a microphone slip into frame. I wanted so much from actors like Mark Strong, Tim Robbins, and Ryan Reynolds but it seemed like they were making fun of the movie just as much as the audience was. The relationship seemed fake and forced, only coming across as the characters might be friends as opposed to actually wanting to have a relationship. The only good thing about this movie was the line, "You don't think I would recognize you because I can't see your cheek bones?" and the audience yelling at the screen "Thank you!" They actually voiced all of our opinions about dumb masks or Clark Kent turning to Superman when he takes off the glasses and dawns a spit curl.
2) Hulk
I wish I could have been a fly on the wall of the room for whoever thought that making a hulk poodle was a good idea. I wish that the all star cast of Nick Nolte, Sam Elliott, and Eric Bana could have actually been in something that wasn't a horrible movie, but the performances that they put forth here make it seem like they were trying out for an elementary school play as opposed to being in a high budget movie. When Nick Nolte was angry he was REALLY ANGRY; when Eric Bana was angry it looked like he got hit in the testicles, and when Sam Elliott got angry he looked like a cowboy playing an army general. The story line revolving around Bruce Banner in an abusive home seemed out of place, and Hulk's strength was under-played. The only good thing I can say about this movie was that Hulk actually got bigger the angrier he got, which future incarnations failed to capture.
1) Batman and Robin
I need to put Arnold Schwarzenegger in for some sort of award for "Most puns said in a film career" because somehow that was just something you had come to expect from nineties Arnold. Let me get the geek rage out of my system real quick; Mr. Freeze isn't supposed to be muscular; Batgirl is the daughter of Jim Gordon; and Bane is actually intelligent not just a bruiser. Now that I have said that, George Clooney has acted better, and it seems that his portrayal of Batman is: what if Batman took an Ambien before dawning the cape and cowl. Shameless product placement kills any movie, especially when it is backed up by the line "Never leave the cave without it!" Chris O'Donnell should just not be allowed to act in anything anymore; I think we can all agree that he never needed to think about this career as a viable option. I can't think of anything to save this movie, just don't watch it. This movie could be the next "Rocky Horror Picture Show" with the audience screaming things at the screen in a fit of rage.
Honorable Mention) Steel
The only reason this didn't actually make the list is because I don't feel right criticizing a movie that I can't make it all the way through. This movie has the same effect on me that Nyquil has on a rowdy five year old. I have tried to watch it five times and have fallen asleep every time. Maybe that should tell you everything you need to know about the movie besides its main actor being Shaq.
Next Time on Dustin's Dirty Dozen: Time to get us prepped for Halloween with the Top 12 Scariest Horror Characters!
