Top 12 Horror Cliches A.K.A. the Halloween Drinking Game

Hello loyal readers, and welcome to another edition of Dustin's Dirty Dozen. I am going to leave you all this Halloween by giving you a drinking game to help you celebrate, with the top 12 horror cliches. These scenes are so frequent in horror that it is almost guaranteed that you will be able to name at least two dozen movies with the cliches in them. So go ahead, get your alcohol flowing and let's begin.

12) Following eyes

Take a shot every time a pair of eyes in a painting or on a doll follow the hero. This cliche is so ridiculously old that you will see it in old movies from the fifties (meaning that it has been around for over half a century), and it still used today. One of the more recent movies I can think of is "Dead Silence," where the entire movie is based around dolls, and the most movement you get from them is a little eye following. I know what prompted this, it was the fact that artists use this trick, and it used to mess with peoples minds (probably still does if you dropped enough acid that day). Whatever the reason it is here gracing so many movies, it needs to go away. Forever.

11) Motion to the motionless

Take a shot every time something moves on its own that is not supposed to. Take two if you watched just as much "Kids WB!" as I did, and get the reference of the picture above. Whether it's a rocking horse or a piano playing all by itself, this "creepy" movie moment has graced more screens than dick has graced porn. I know what you are thinking. "Wouldn't following eyes fall under this category?" and the answer is only sometimes. A lot of times wandering eyes on a portrait is just meant to show that someone is watching the main character on the other side of the wall. This is more general, as in a possessed toy or a picture falling off the shelf without anyone touching it. The most recent movie I can think of that embraces this embarrassing cliche would be "Insidious" or the sequel. This cliche is so apparent in horror that it made at least two horror franchises, "Child's Play' and "Paranormal Activity." 

10) Car window scare

Take a shot every time the main character jumps from someone standing outside there car or something happens to the character from the car window. The car window scare is another classic having been around for what seems like eons (but more like a couple of decades). It is also a cliche that has evolved through time. It used to be the antagonist tapping on the window, and scaring the shit out of the protagonist, or just standing there looking creepy. Now, it is the antagonist punching through the window or throwing something deadly at the protagonist. Like in the "House of Wax" remake it was a javelin, that eventually gave a very fitting end to Paris Hilton. I have a feeling this started from an old urban legend where a woman was scared into accidentally hanging her boyfriend, but whatever the reason it has definitely been around for too long.   

9) Possession of a loved one

No, not drug possession (although that is the joke of the picture above) take two shots if that is what you were hoping for. Now, take a shot every time a family member or friend gets possessed by a spirit of some kind. Yes, this gem got started by "The Exorcist" and is put in movies where it doesn't even follow the story line. Mainly, I put it on here for there being so many movies about possession flooding the market, the most recent being "Insidious 2." Feel free to make another drinking game on how many movies you can IMDB or Google, with this as one of the hooks in it. I guarantee if you take a shot for every one you won't be able to remember anything past playing the game.

8) Monologue

Go ahead and chug as many beers as it takes for the antagonist to get done with his speech. Doesn't matter how fast you do it, you'll still get a buzz. For a while I thought this was a practice specifically reserved for comic book villains, but I guess this cliche doesn't discriminate based on genre. This just recently became a problem for me after watching "The Curse of Chucky," wherein our antagonist has the crippled protagonist and by all rights should be stabbing her to death. Instead, he starts a speech trying to explain the method to his madness. In the end it turned out that he viewed death in a broad sort of way and the girl ended up living. After you are done drinking I want you to join me in sighing that this annoying hero could have died, but instead will grace our screens again most likely.

7) "I'm sure that guy is dead now... where did he go?"

Pretty simple, take a shot after a villain is assumed dead and turns up missing, or starts moving in the background behind the relieved hero of the film. I also want you to take another shot if you feel that you could have survived the alleged killing blow. There is a very easy way to explain why a fair amount of horror movies have so many sequels, and that is because the iconic villains are hard to kill. Whether it is bringing Freddy Krueger into the real world and shooting him, or putting something through the eye or Michael Myers, this cliche has shown up too many times. Again, now that we have a new Chucky movie, this cliche has reared its ugly head, and I imagine it will for years to come. 

6) Clumsy hero

Take a shot after a character in the film shows they have zero depth perception, take two if it results in the character's death. This sequence of tumbles and spills has been made fun of by spoof movies for so long it is almost not worth mentioning anymore. At least it wouldn't be if the franchise stopped embracing this stigma. I don't know what horror movies have against the mentally handicapped that can't seem to take two steps without tripping over their own feet, but whatever it is they feel like making these characters pay for it with their lives. Speaking of the mentally handicapped let's add going upstairs to run away from something in a house that more than likely has a front door. I feel that failing to realize this simple fact of architecture makes a character not only clumsy, but stupid to the point that they shouldn't be allowed outside without parental supervision. 

5) Car trouble

Just take two shots, it might help you get over being able to call this before it happened. Take three if the car trouble sounds like something you could fix, right then and there. I guess that every character in a horror movie feels like getting their cars from a junk yard, and only intends for the car to make it to the location of the film. I feel like if these characters would simply run away instead of stopping to try to get in this allegedly safe steal box, (with easily breakable windows surrounding them) they'd have at least a slightly better shot. Even if they are not running away from anything and they are in a haunted house, I feel that they should take the time to way the options of staying in this dangerous place because of car trouble, or hoofing it back to somewhere safer. 

4) "Let's split up gang!"

Take a shot for every character in the group that goes off in a separate direction. I guess Fred said this best (and with the most zeal), and even if the supposed leader of the survivors doesn't have Fred's appeal the characters are sure to listen to them. There should be a public safety announcement about strength in numbers, or one person is sure to be killed by a psycho where many could survive. It would go something like "Only you can prevent your leader from being an accomplice to homicide," and have some cute little knife wielding maniac as the mascot. Stay together if you want to survive, should be the first rule of survival. Plus, if you leave the group what are you going to eat in the event of a cave in?

3) "You stay here while I check out that disturbance"

Take a shot if the only physically intimidating character goes off to check out a mysterious sound, kill the rest of whatever you are drinking if it kills the people he was trying protect. Another cliche embraced by the horrible "Insidious" franchise (that unfortunately doesn't end up with his family dying as a result of his mistake). I think that it should though. If you are stupid enough to leave your family in an easily accessible place while there is weird shit going on, you don't deserve to be the protector of that family and should feel the loss from your mistake. That may be a bit cold hearted but you know what, killers and specters are more cold hearted. On a less depressing note, it should at lest result in the "hero's" death, so the less intimidating person can hopefully make the correct choice.

2) Electronic interference

Take a shot for a baby monitor going off by itself. Take two for a radio not being able to hail anyone. Take three for a cell phone not having signal or a phone line being cut. Take four if you don't have signal right now. The setting for each movie is a dead zone for technology, done and done. Whether it is "no WiFi" or the more archaic "no dial tone," it is just expected that if you live in the realm of horror movies you will not have signal. I guess everyone has Metro PCS in this world. Ba Dum Bum Tiss.

1) Mirror Scene

Drink if this tactic was used in the film. Drink until you get liver poisoning if you got scared by it, maybe that will harden your resolve to stupid cliches. There is no reason to be scared by this ploy anymore, it is done, it died somewhere in the seventies with slasher flicks. They keep trying to make this relevant in the horror market today by changing it up, and it keeps failing. It used to be someone stands in front of a medicine cabinet, opens it, closes it, and there is someone in the reflection behind them. Than it went through the same play without someone standing in the reflection, the character turns to leave the bathroom and the antagonist is in the doorway. After that, it turned to people not even being able to look at the reflection a second time, because the killer is too busy shoving their face into the mirror. Now, it is just a sign that someone is going to die, or get seriously injured in this scene. The directors have now gotten so lazy with this cliche that they don't even work at it anymore, they let you do the work for them. Usually, that is good for a horror, in this case it is just failing at every attempt to direct something useful in the world. There is only one reason for a reflection being in a horror movie, and this is it. Please don't propagate its use by spilling your popcorn all over the poor person next to you.

Honorable Mention) Zombies

Just drink. Much like the main villain, zombie merchandise is popping up all over the entertainment industry. Video games, comic books, movies, television shows, the list goes on and much like the zombies will keep going on and spreading. So drink. Drink until you throw up than drink some more. Hopefully by the time our collective hangovers are done these revitalized characters will be back where they belong. In the ground.

Next time on Dustin's Dirty Dozen: Top 12 Non X-Men roles of the "X-Men: Days of Future Past" cast I may be a little premature in my giddiness for "X-Men: Days of Future Past," but the trailer looks amazing and I need to honor that.

Top 12 Horror Remakes

Hello, loyal readers, and welcome to another edition of Dustin's Dirty Dozen. This week I give you some movies to put in your instant queue on Netflix for Halloween by counting down the top 12 Horror Remakes. Now, some of these movies do have flaws; some of these movies live up to the legends that are their predecessors; and some even excel past their predecessors (like all remakes should aim to do), but they are the best of a genre that can't quite find its stride or audience. This will not be followed up with a list of top 12 worst horror remakes, because more than likely if it is not on this list it is bad. So lets get this revamp going!

12) The Omen

The original "The Omen" was a classic and will live on in horror legend for years to come, so that our grandchildren will be able to enjoy its masterful work. The remake may have fell short on living up to the legend, but it was still fun to watch. The Damien that we are reintroduced to (Seamus Davey-Fitzpatrick) is generally creepy, and does a fantastic job of trying to replace the original (Harvey Stephens). After that the movie starts to fall a bit flat. Julia Stiles isn't the best of actresses, and we see exactly why that is when she plays Katherine Thorn. The shock values are a bit predictable and the movie begins to drag on at certain points. If you were a fan of the original, this movie might seem like a far stretch from it, but if this is your first time being introduced to the series it will be worth the watch. Even if only for Seamus Davey- Patrick.

11) Psycho

Much like the movie above, the original "Psycho" is sealed in the vault of amazing horror movies. The remake is the exact same movie beat for beat, with new actors and color, and that is my biggest complaint against it. Fortunately enough, it isn't a big enough complaint to completely write off the movie as bad. In fact, the cast in this movie more than makes up for that grievous oversight. When you take William H. Macy, Viggo Mortensen, Anne Heche and Julianne Moore, then put them in a movie together expectations will be high, and they do not disappoint with the performances put forth here. Surprisingly, the real scene thief in this was Vince Vaughn as Norman Bates, breathing new life into a tired character. I don't know if it was just me being surprised about him playing a character so far out of his norm, or if he actually did a good job, but whatever it was I loved it.

10) The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

The original "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" didn't really do anything for me. Somehow, it got marked as a classic by audiences, but I'm not a member of that crowd. The remake let me see what so many people from the seventies were talking about. There were a good amount of "jump scenes," and they got Jessica Biel to play her one and only horror role before she got too big. Not to say that this movie was perfect by any means. The gore was a bit too over the top for how serious they were trying to take themselves, and they tried to play the leatherface character to death. If you are looking for something like that, and want to spill your popcorn all over the floor, this movie is highly recommended.

9) Friday the 13th

I was a bit harsh on the old teen fetish, hockey fanatic in my last issue (however good those reasons may have been). The closest he ever came to scaring me was in the remake, and that is good enough (at least for the purpose of this list). There were some generally scary parts, but that is not the reason this movie is so high up on the list. In the remake Jason tries to reinvent the horror market by killing off the would-be hero of the movie fifteen minutes into it. That is enough for me to say this did well as a remake by taking the piss out of its predecessors, in addition to the inventive new ways that Jason finds to kill the trespassers of Crystal Lake, like barbecuing them in a sleeping bag. 

8) The Hills Have Eyes

Another remake that was based off of a movie that was too over-hyped for its legacy. The remake of "The Hills Have Eyes" was actually leaps and bounds better than the original. It was just so over the top with the atomic freaks and gore that it caught my attention. It came close to making me physically ill when I saw the rape scene. The asshole of the movie turning out to be the hero was inspiring, and was close to being game changing for the industry. I don't know if it impressed me enough to say that it deserved a horrible sequel, but it was damn worth the price of admission.

7) A Nightmare on Elm Street

In case my last issue was too subtle, I love Freddy Krueger. As stated before, Jackie Earle Haley does an amazing job at re-imagining the character as a killer, as opposed to a comedian. Freddy was again the killer he was meant to be: No quips, no inventive killing, just going into your dreams and messing up your world. Rooney Mara gives a fantastic performance as poor, misunderstood heroin Nancy Holbrook, not necessarily a new role for her but a deserving one. In every way this remake does what a remake is supposed to do, and that is to take a series and hold it in a new light under the eyes of an imaginative director. Since that director (Samuel Bayer) was new to the world of the silver screen it is just that much more impressive. 

6) Dawn of the Dead 

When this movie came out (before the zombie craze sweeping the nation) it was a new and imaginative way to look at the swarm. It let us think about what it would be like if the zombie menace could actually run, and that concept is horrifying. The directing was masterful and showed us just what Zack Snyder had to offer the world before he recently ruined his image. The acting was surprisingly good for a horror movie; though, I guess I shouldn't be surprised with Ving Rhames being part of the main cast. It was just good (even surprisingly good at points) and you should all put it in your list of zombie movies to watch. Though, I know that list is seemingly endless at this point.

5) Halloween

Much like Rob Zombie's music career, his directing career started off strong and is beginning to fall short of expectations. Since I am not a music critic, I will simply say that there is no greater example of his directing talents than the remake of Halloween. It took the series by the throat and reinvented it into something much more dark and brutal. I am still waiting for young actor Daeg Faerch to take off as something more than just "that one creepy kid," but if that is to be his identifier for the rest of his day, at least it is fitting. Tyler Mane is typecast again as a behemoth, but luckily fits the character of Michael Myers so well that it isn't something I can hold against him. If Rob Zombie could take hold of remaking another horror series (say Child's Play) I think he would not only improve upon the original, but get his career back on the right track.

4) Fright Night

I heard a great amount of trash talk against this movie when it first came out, so some predispositions followed me into the theater when I went to see it. This is an example of a movie that can not only change my predisposed mind but also impress me with actually being quite good. I think the reason it got such bad press was because people were expecting a scary movie but instead got a good action movie, which isn't bad, just different. It might have been from viewers having a negative opinion about Colin Farrell, but he actually did very well with his role in this. I can only hope that it wasn't for Anton Yelchin's performance, because that kid excels in everything he does in terms of acting; this is no exception. Give it a chance, people; it might not scare you, but it will definitely entertain you, which in the end is what a movie is supposed to do.

3) The Amityville Horror

This movie and my number 2 are one of the few horror movies released within the past ten years to actually keep me entertained throughout the entire running time. This movie also scared the living hell out of me, which is another impressive feat for horror movies released within the past decade. Ryan Reynolds gives a career defining performance as crazed father, George Lutz. It introduced us to up-and-coming actress Chloe Grace Moretz, who actually did extremely well in her formative years. This movie gave a breath of fresh and frightening air to an otherwise dead series and, luckily enough, it didn't prompt a slew of sequels as its predecessor did. Whether you believe the "true story" or not, this movie is worth the watch.

2) Evil Dead

I don't know if it was the most terrifying film I experienced, but it was definitely one of the goriest. The gore was so over the top that I actually did become physically ill after watching it, which makes this movie the first movie to do that to me (take that "Cloverfield"). I know a movie has to be more than just gore; however, this movie was so over the top with gore, it's hard to ignore as one of the defining positive points. I know most people that saw this said that it was too much, but what they have to understand is that this movie was also an homage to a film that embraced excess. Some fans of the original didn't go and see this movie because they stood by the theory that there could be no "Evil Dead" without Bruce Campbell. While I respect and honor Bruce Campbell as one of the most understated actors of our generation, "Evil Dead" is so much more than his geek legend. It is campy, cliche, and over-the-top to the point of being bad in most people's opinion, but in the eyes of those who view it for what it really is, it is a masterpiece. A masterpiece that will hold a special place in my heart for the rest of my life.

1) The Thing

No, I am not talking about the god awful prequel released in 2011 starring Mary Elizabeth Winstead. I can guarantee that there are people reading this that didn't know this movie was a remake of the original, "The Thing from Another World" released in 1951. Unfortunately, this movie has been around for over thirty years so I can't really bring anything new to the table in terms of opinion. It was just scary. Even with dated effects, it still manages to give viewers a chill down their spine. It takes the "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" concept and starts at ground zero with a more violent end to the original host. It strengthened John Carpenter's already extensive and impressive career resume, and gave us scenes that can be repeated for years to come. This is a movie that will not be soon forgotten.

Honorable Mention)When A Stranger Calls

Starting off as an urban legend to scare babysitters turned movie, the remake did little to impress audiences. At least it had Tommy Flanagan as the stranger, so I guess you can watch it to see Chibs from "Sons of Anarchy" play a more homicidal psycho.

SPECIAL EDITION: The comparison of movies based on something

*Disclaimer* There will be no pictures here, just read it. I don't feel like I'm breaking any new ground with this comparison, I just thought it would be funny. I will still be coming out with a list this week.
*Warning* This post is going to contain a lot of grammar mistakes. It just dawned on me that I should make this and I didn't feel like bothering my editor with two issues this week. Pretty much, this was just too long for me to feel right about posting it as a Facebook status. I will do what I can about the errors, but I don't necessarily fix too many of my Facebook statuses. Anyways, here it is.

After watching "Mortal Instruments: City of Bones" I have come up with a comparison for movies based on books that I have read. Movies based upon books are like rolling a D20 (twenty sided dice for those of you who don't play dungeons and dragons).

You got your critical 20-18: Like "The Lord of the Rings"/"The Hobbit," where the movie leaves out a good amount of moments and characters from the book, but the fans don't care because the movie is so blindingly awesome that everyone just enjoys the ride.
Than you have 17-15: Like the "Harry Potter" series, where a fair amount of fans are pissed off by them adding to or subtracting from the books, but they don't really care because in the end they know they are going to buy all eight movies on bluray or dvd or both.
Than there is the 14-12: Like the "Hunger Games" series, where the movie is fairly accurate, sans a couple of minor annoyances, and the fans don't necessarily love it nor do they hate it. They might buy it or they will wait for it to come to Netflix.
After that you have 11-9: Like any movie based on a Stephen King novel where it is expected that they are going to mess up the ending and piss off all of his fans, but the movies themselves if looked away from the source material are amazing and live on in the horror classics. Sure to scare us anytime we watch them.
Followed by 8-6: Like the "Twilight" series, where the fans are as equally pissed off at the inaccuracies as Harry Potter fans to their movies are, but the movies spawn some weird cult following where the fans will jump in front of a freight train for Edward or Bella. The movies are horrible because of the source material but somehow the train wreck is interesting to watch.
After which you have 5-3: Like Mortal Instruments where they try to fit everything from the book into the movie in a short amount of time making it feel rushed as hell, and still leave out and add too much stuff. Not only that but make a huge reveal in the first movie that makes the rest of the series not worth watching. The movie by itself is ok but probably won't spawn any new readers.
Finally you have the fumbles 2-1: Like Percy Jackson where fans want to go to the house of every person involved in making the movie and torture them to the point of death for messing up the movie so horribly. It's like the creators skimmed the cliff notes of the book and decided to try and make money off of it anyways.

It makes me wonder how the upcoming "Fifty Shades of Grey" movie is going to do, when that is based off of shitty source material as well.
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After I thought of that, I thought about other comparisons for movies based on something and got the following.

Movies inspired by true events or based on a historical figure are like playing "Monopoly."

You get free parking upon rolling doubles for the first time and avoid anyone's property: The movie is spectacular and doesn't try to make the person into some kind of saint. In the case of inspired by true events, it tells the story in an interesting and less boring way. Like "The Social Network" or "Argo."
You roll doubles a second time and land on a hotel that takes a good portion of your finances but doesn't bankrupt you: The movie is okay but lacks vision and plays up the main character as a saint. In the case of based on true events, the movie is a bit dull, or you can tell that nothing in this movie actually happened but is still fine to watch. Like "The Conjuring" or "42."
You roll doubles a third time and land on a blue property with a hotel, you are almost forced into bankruptcy now having only one not mortgaged property with no houses or hotels, and you are in jail: The very concept of the movie is offensive to people and makes them want to boycott your film. You go to see it, thinking that if a movie is that offensive it must be worth the watch. Turns out the movie is horrible and you join the boycott out of spite for having paid to see it. If no one is starting a boycott on the movie because no one was offended you start a boycott on the film because it was just that bad. Like "30 minutes or less" or "Jobs."

It makes me wonder how the newest Nelson Mandela movie is going to do, with a great actor like Idris Elba at the helm.
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Movies based upon comic books are like flipping a coin.

Either you call it right: The movie is the best thing you have ever seen, regardless of how true it is to the source material and you will do anything in your power to make sure that it gets the box office it deserves. Like "The Avengers," "The Dark Knight," or "Sin City."
Or you call it wrong: The movie is so blatantly bad that you wait until it is in the bargain bin at gas station and buy it. Only to cover it in lighter fluid and set it on fire so its filth no longer has to infect the rest of the world. Like "Batman and Robin" or "Hulk."

Makes me wonder how the "Thor" sequel is going to do, with Natalie Portman back as the damsel in distress
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Finally, you have movies based upon video games which is like your friend getting drunk at a party and throwing up all over the place. It is funny to watch but you are still pissed because he just threw up all over your carpet. Like every movie based on a video game to date that wasn't "Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children"

Doesn't make me wonder about a damn thing, just makes me hope for something to break the cycle of horrible bullshit.

Top 12 Scariest Horror Villians

Hello, loyal readers and welcome to another edition of Dustin's Dirty Dozen. This week it is my job to get all of you cos-players even more pumped up for Halloween, and share with you the top 12 Scariest Horror Villains. Now, just to get this out of the way this list is based off of what actually terrifies me, whether based upon the concept of the characters or the movies actually having scared me. It is not based off of the most iconic or what society deems the scariest. So, you will not see Jason Voorhees or Michael Myers on here, since they did nothing to actually scare me, and if you were reading this to see their names on here I apologize for wasting your time. So, to not keep you in suspense any longer, let's get this fright-fest started.

12) Norman Bates (Psycho)

"They're probably watching me. Well, let them. Let them see what kind of person I am. I'm not even going to swat that fly. I hope they are watching... they'll see. They'll see and they'll know, and they'll say, "Why she wouldn't even harm a fly..."

The quote above tells you everything you need to know about Norman Bates. He is the most mentally insane character I can think of to date, and that says a lot given that he was conceived over fifty years ago. The film "Psycho," as well as its main character Norman Bates hit a double header in the world of horror, when it was introduced to audiences. It made people scared to take a shower without keeping the curtain at least a little open, for fear that a knife wielding maniac would kill them. It also, made watchers think twice about stopping at the cheap motel on the side of the road. It instilled both fears in me when I first watched it and I wasn't able to get back to reality for months. I still leave the curtain a little open, out of habit. 

11) Regan MacNeil (The Exorcist)

"Your mother sucks cocks in Hell, Karras, you faithless slime."

All possession movies to date have aspired to be another "The Exorcist," and not one has even come close to capturing it's horror. While it didn't instill any superstitious habits in me (like the movie above), its main character did give me a serious case of the willies. Any time a girl can turn her head all the way around and spew green bile on you, is the time you need to put the bitch down. Between her yelling obscenities and masturbating with a crucifix, I just don't know what could possibly have been her saving grace. Oh yeah, that's right, she was still an innocent little girl underneath the horribly scared face and drooling facade. So, the thing you have to ask yourself is: would you fight tooth and nail with an old priest and young priest to get your daughter back from the demon wearing her face? Or, would you just pop-a-cap in her and make another?

10) Jack Torrance (The Shining)

"Here's Johnny!"

My guess would be that a lot of people have had the fear of their father going crazy and killing their family. Well, my guess would be something along those lines after watching "The Shining." Jack Nicholson has always had the air of creepiness surrounding him (even in his dramatic roles), and it is put to no better use than as Jack Torrance. The ax wielding psychopath helped give audiences a second thought about dear old dad and the nuclear family lifestyle. He made us think of what we were willing to do to the man that raised us, and if we would be able to physically do whatever is necessary. I know Stephen King (the writer of the book, "The Shining" was based off of) disowns this movie saying that it ruined his book, but it still found its way into the vault of horror classics.

9) Dr. William Weir (Event Horizon)

"You know nothing. Hell is only a word. The reality is much, much worse."

"Event Horizon" is probably one of the most undersold horror movies of all time, and nothing says that more than its main antagonist Dr. William Weir. When you take my favorite genre of film and make into a horror it is bound to creep me out (unless you're Apollo 18), and none are creepier than this. The haunted spaceship taking control of its biggest supporter, and turning him against the crew. Allowing him to enter the minds of his crew mates as a disgustingly mutilated man to torture, and eventually kill them all. Its the Amityville horror house creating Freddy Krueger, and I love it.

8) Damien Thorn (The Omen)

"Look at me, Damien! It's all for you."

The creepiest kid in the world and son of the devil to boot. From making the nanny kill herself, to running people off the second floor balcony with his tricycle, Damien has made his way as a classic in the world of horror. Where Jack Torrance makes you question your father, Damien Thorn makes you question your child, which is a far more terrifying concept. Giving birth to something, after carrying for nine months, to think that the thing you put so much hope and love into might secretly want to kill you. Let that thought roll around in your mind before you get knocked up at fourteen, ladies. 

7) Samara Morgan (The Ring)

"Seven Days..."

The last great horror film of the current generation, "The Ring" gives us a little girl to haunt our nightmares and television screens. If they haven't remade this movie into something more probable by today's standards (like putting the video on Youtube, as opposed to a VHS) I consider it a missed opportunity. I think everyone remembers the scene that earned this character a spot on this list. She came out of the screen and you all jumped because you thought she was coming out of your screen (there's no shame in it, no need to lie). When my television is no longer safe to watch I may as well pack my bags and learn to live on the land, or else I'm screwed.

6) The Poltergeist

"They're here."

Where all possession movies to date try to be like "The Exorcist," all haunted house movies should at least be trying to match "The Poltergeist" (or "The Amityville Horror"). Sadly, most haunted house movies today are horrible, so I guess I'm stuck with watching "The Poltergeist" for the millionth time this Halloween. The reason this ghost beats all current apparitions is because it was just so brutal and unforgiving. Where most haunted house movies lead you up to the moment when you finally see the specter, or the ghost finally makes physical contact with the living humans, this haunted house flaunts physical contact with living humans and specters throughout and is made all the scarier because of it. There was even a rumor of the movie cursing its actors since after working on the movie the actors started dying. So, take that "Paranormal Activity."

5) Pinhead (Hellraiser)

"You opened the box and your soul belongs to me."

I think the concept of Pinhead is so terrifying because, originally, there was no way to beat him unless you offered up another soul for him to take. The first "Hellraiser" made pinhead, and his cohorts out to be travelers, but they seemed more like like gods addicted to torture. If the concept of a sadist/god does not scare the pants off of you, than feel free to not read the rest of this article. The movies may have gone down hill after the first two installments, but the character remains terrifying, especially when played by Doug Bradley. This series was the original, mainstream gross out film, applying just the right amount of gore without it taking away from the rest of the film. The moment Jason Voorhees can act like he derives some sort of sick pleasure out of torturing and killing people, instead of just robotically (heh, Jason X) taking a machete to them out of some misguided moral obligation to his mother, he can be on this list. 

4) Jaws

"You're gonna need a bigger boat."

This movie is not only a horror classic, but a classic in the world of cinema, which is a big deal for horror movies. From the score, to its brilliant director, this movie scared audiences across the globe, and earned appreciation from the academy. Not only making people afraid to go in the water at the beach, but in some cases making people afraid to swim all together, Jaws has earned his space up here. I just love that most horror icons are some sort of unrealistic fable, but this is something that actually exists in the world and it scared people out of a popular entertainment venue. Viewers were constantly looking over the waves for a fin or underneath them for a hulking, behemoth to tear their leg off. All the appreciation in the world to Steven Spielberg for creating this masterpiece and clearing out the beaches of Amityville harbor.

3) Pennywise the Dancing Clown (Stephen King's It)

"They ALL float down here. When you're down here with us, you'll float too!"

I know I scared someone with the picture above, and for good reason this guy was absolutely terrifying. He is the reason why there is a fear of clowns in the first place (not feared by me, but it is out there), and given to us again by horror master Stephen King. If "Psycho" didn't make you afraid to take a shower, than the shower scene in this should, with the clown popping out of the drain in the boy's public restroom. In some ways, I guess he wouldn't be nearly as terrifying without the masterful acting portrayed by Tim Curry. The effects may be a bit dated and it may have been a television mini series as opposed to an actual movie, but Pennywise scared so many (to include myself) that I couldn't think of anyone better deserving of my top three.

2) Chucky (Child's Play)

"Hi, I'm Chucky, wanna play?"

Chucky is one of the most simplistically evil characters to date. Especially, when you look at his first movie and realize that the cast was basically just throwing a doll back and forth, acting like they were being attacked. His more recent movies like "Seed of Chucky," were portrayed as more of a comedy than horror but the first three will always scare people no matter how dated. Dolls are creepy even without the soul of a killer in them, so it is only natural to be scared by one that moves around wielding a kitchen knife. With his latest movie "Curse of Chucky," trying to take the series back to the land of horror, we can only hope that this series will be revitalized and it's icon with it. To answer an unasked question more than likely clouding your troubled minds, no, I didn't put Chucky so far up on my list because of Jon Gruden coaching my home professional football team.

1) Freddy Krueger (A Nightmare on Elm Street)

"One, two, Freddy's coming for you. Three, four, better lock your door. Five, six, grab your crucifix. Seven, eight, gonna stay up late. Nine, ten, never sleep again."

Our fedora wearing, horribly burnt man with knives for fingers made it up to the scariest villain of all time. I cannot stress enough just how much I love sleep. If sleep were a person I probably would have married it, and had many little naps running under foot by now. So if you make a villain that can trespass into my dreams and kill me, than I am guaranteed to be scared. Robert Englund is our usual actor of choice for Freddy and even when played by Jackie Earle Haley the character is intimidating. I know that the movie series has lasted for almost thirty years now and many of the sequels have suffered due to its longevity, however even though his character became more of a comedian in later years the way he killed was always creative and perfect. The last real sequel "New Nightmare" was one of the most creative works I had seen from the series, playing off the character to be made up and seeing what it would be like if he came to life. Good luck sleeping tonight everyone, you'll need it.

Honorable Mention) The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man (Ghostbusters)

"We've been going about this all wrong. This Mr. Stay Puft's okay! He's a sailor, he's in New York; we get this guy laid, we won't have any trouble!"

Okay, so he really isn't that scary but I figured that a break was needed from all of the terror. Plus, the concept of your childhood idol coming to life and killing everyone in a city is kind of creepy.

Next time on Dustin's Dirty Dozen: Top 12 Horror Remakes. If you ever saw Scream 4 you know that there are a lot of them.

Top 12 Worst Movies Based on Comic Books

Hello, loyal readers and welcome to another edition of Dustin's Dirty Dozen; this week we delve deeper into our favorite superheros by looking at their worst moments with the top 12 worst movies based on comic books. Now, I will try to keep this as far away from geek rage as I can, but the movies did piss me off with how far away they were from the comics, so you will probably see a couple instances where I geek out. Anyways, let's get to it and start this crap train.

12) Blade: Trinity

I guess one of the three big movies that brought comic books into the mainstream world of cinema (X-Men, Spider-Man, Blade) had to have some bad sequels and none worse than this. I don't know who was calling for a showdown between Dracula and Blade but I sure wasn't one of them, because the concept is just flawed. Especially when taking into account the tagline of the previews for the movie. "He's fought their gods, He's fought their enemies and now he will meet their maker:" To me, God just outweighs maker (even if God or gods are makers). After you fight a god it kind of all goes down hill from there. Besides the overall concept being flawed, the effects were dated, even for the day and age it was created. It was like watching someone make a movie on their cell phone and use windows movie maker to apply the extra touches. The final nail in the coffin (so to speak) for this was the acting. Just because "The Rock" turns out to be a good actor doesn't mean lightning will strike twice when you cast "Triple H." Wesley Snipes seemed like his heart was no longer in the role and he was just collecting a paycheck, and Dominic Purcell was trying to compete with William Shatner in the overacting department. Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Biel were the only ones that actually seemed like they were actors throughout the entire movie. I don't say that just because Ryan Reynolds was topless through out a greater portion of the film.

11) Spawn

Remember when I said the graphics were dated for the movie above? Well that curse applies to this movie as well; when you can't even make fire look realistic there is a major problem with your movie. Now, I loved Todd MacFarlane's series on paper; it was original, controversial, and dark which was a breath of fresh air (not from Todd obviously but to the comic industry), but this movie did that series absolutely no justice. The villain was ridiculous and didn't even seem that necessary to the film, taking into account the final battle that may have lasted all of two minutes. My biggest problem was the acting, which is probably going to be a recurring theme by the end of this article. Michael Jai White, our anti-hero and main character Spawn, turns out to be another candidate for worst case of overacting. It takes a special talent to have an actor like Martin Sheen and make him seem like this was his first movie. The only saving grace of this entire catastrophe of a movie was John Leguizamo (in clown form), showing us the meaning of acting by playing something completely out of the norm for him and hitting the role out of the park.

10) Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

Not going to lie to you all, a good portion of the reason this is on here has to do with geek rage about "Glactus the Cloud." I didn't necessarily expect the whole big head piece or purple/pink long johns, but I at least expected something humanoid or tangible. Any credibility that the first movie gained with brilliant casting (sans Jessica Alba) was destroyed in the blink of an eye by under-powering the Silver Surfer and equating the most dangerous entity in the universe to some gas that travels through space. Aside from that I'm going to take a stab in the dark and say that nobody in the theater could buy what the story line was trying to sell us. Something just tells me that with the way they were pitching the Silver Surfer he would have annihilated Dr. Doom before he had the chance to plan something. Onto the acting side of the movie, we get to see just how miserable people can be at their job when you make them do a bad sequel to an ok movie. Even Jessica Alba acted worse in this (if that is even possible) and proves to the audience that a career in modeling would  have probably been better, if not just more humane. 

9) Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

What happens when you make a movie based off a beloved comic book character that drives fans to run for their nearest internet connection to complain to whomever will listen? You rub salt in the wound by making an even worse sequel to the hated feature, of course! It seemed like they just wrote down a bunch of cliche plot devices, tossed them in the air and started throwing darts at them, using whatever stuck to make a movie. Hidden coven of protectors? Check! Child made to be the chosen one whom our anti-hero has to eventually save? Check! Superhero loses his superpower? Check! In fact, the only thing thing that this movie seemed to be missing was a sudden but inevitable betrayal....oh, wait they did that too. I think I have talked enough trash about the story line; besides, at least the acting made up for it, right? Oh yeah, they still have Nicholas Cage as the lead role, but maybe Idris Elba can make up for that. No, nothing makes up for Nicholas Cage being the star in anything. Sorry.

8) Superman Returns

Our boy in blue made it on the list and he is not number one. This just has to show you how god awful the following movies are. Anyways, this movie should have been used for a guide line on "what not to do" by DC, but sadly they made "Green Lantern" and showed us how much worse things could have been. You would think that the no-name Brandon Routh would have been a smart move for the film, but that doesn't work if you pick a no-name that can't actually act. You would think that focusing more on character development and plot instead of action sequences would have been an interesting take on the series, but that doesn't work when you have limited dialogue. You would think that putting old footage of Marlon Brando playing Jor-El on would be cool, but than again, no you wouldn't. Ever. Since that steals a paycheck from a living actor and gives it to a dead one. The only thing I could say in redemption for this movie would be at least Kevin Spacey played the best Lex Luthor I have ever seen.

7) Elektra

I am going to admit something that may lose me my "Geek Club Membership Card," but it has to be said. I didn't mind Daredevil. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner may have been unwise choices as the lead roles, but at least there was Michael Clarke Duncan, Colin Farrell, and Jon Favreau to help pick up the pieces. Now that we are past that, any hope of this series being something to build off of was shot to death when they released "Elektra." Whatever good acting was in "Daredevil" was no where to be seen in "Elektra," with most of the cast giving performances better suited for daytime soap operas. The choreography was cheap as were the special effects. Finally, the main plot device of "assassin caring for her targets" is so over used that it might combat "amnesia" in the cliche department. If I had to try and defend this movie, I guess I could say Jennifer Garner fans can rejoice, getting to see her again. I just don't know who would possibly admit to actually being a Jennifer Garner fan.  

6) Spider-Man 3

Whoever thought Topher Grace was a good cast for Eddie Brock (A.K.A. Venom) needs to be locked up in a psych-ward. I just don't understand how you can do pretty well with the first two movies and completely demolish everything that was built up by making this load of garbage. Sad to say it makes me question director Sam Raimi. Take your pick of reasons why this movie was bad: "Emo" Peter Parker, unnecessary and confusing dance number, and improper use of Gwen Stacy. I think the most disappointing part of not only this movie but the entire series, was being led up to eventually expect The Lizard as a main villain, only to have him show up in the remake. On the less geek filled rage portion of this, you also have phoned-in acting, horrible plot, and bad choreography. I guess if I could say one good thing about this movie, it's that it finally got Tobey Maguire out of that awkward kid persona and into a fresh skin. Unfortunately that skin was doing a poorly choreographed jig to bad jazz music.

5) X-Men: The Last Stand

The great part about X-Men movies is that there are a plethora of bad ones to choose from, none worse than this. It is like they weren't even trying to make a good movie when they put Vinnie Jones as the Juggernaut, and in no way tied him to Charles Xavier. They started killing off characters just to try and get an emotional reaction from the audience, instead of actually making it relevant to the story line. They seemed to have picked up their makeup artist for Beast from one of those cheap, roadside horror houses. They used shock and awe to replace the lack of plot, and fell short shocking and awing the audience. Finally, they seemed to have too much going on at once, like the movie was flooded with half finished story. Jealous girlfriend, uncontrollable force, multiple personality, a few good guys versus an army of bad, etc. The list really does go on. I guess the one saving grace of this movie was Sir Patrick Stewart and Sir Ian McKellen, but even their performances suffered. It seemed like even they didn't believe in the movie.

4) Catwoman

Funniest part about this movie being on my list is searching for it in IMDB (to make sure I don't misspell names) and seeing the "people who liked this also liked..." "Steel," "Batman and Robin" and "The Spirit." Like the only people that like this movie are predestined to only like bad movies. Anyways, as if IMDB wasn't enough to sell my point this movie also got numerous Razzie Awards that ended up getting Halle Berry into the history books as the first actress to accept hers in person. This movie has to be somewhere as the definition of "bad cinema," like if I were to Urban Dictionary that term, a picture of S&M Catwoman would be there. Ok, so the story line was taken through a meat grinder and gave us an unbelievable plot sprinkled with cliche devices and a dash of boring the audience to tears. The acting was atrocious to anyone's standards and that is saying a lot with someone like Sharon Stone in the movie. It all just ended up being a movie that people actually interested in women could add to their "spank banks," which I guess is the only good thing I can say about this trainwreck.

3) Green Lantern

I heard a rumor Ryan Reynolds was going to be The Flash in a movie and got excited, than I heard it got changed to Green Lantern and was intrigued, then let down. Whoever did the special effects surrounding Parallax should be hiding under a rock somewhere from embarrassment, because when I saw him flying through space I felt like I was transported back to the "sixties D rated horror" genre. I was just waiting to see strings holding the monster in the air or a microphone slip into frame. I wanted so much from actors like Mark Strong, Tim Robbins, and Ryan Reynolds but it seemed like they were making fun of the movie just as much as the audience was. The relationship seemed fake and forced, only coming across as the characters might be friends as opposed to actually wanting to have a relationship. The only good thing about this movie was the line, "You don't think I would recognize you because I can't see your cheek bones?" and the audience yelling at the screen "Thank you!" They actually voiced all of our opinions about dumb masks or Clark Kent turning to Superman when he takes off the glasses and dawns a spit curl.

2) Hulk

I wish I could have been a fly on the wall of the room for whoever thought that making a hulk poodle was a good idea. I wish that the all star cast of Nick Nolte, Sam Elliott, and Eric Bana could have actually been in something that wasn't a horrible movie, but the performances that they put forth here make it seem like they were trying out for an elementary school play as opposed to being in a high budget movie. When Nick Nolte was angry he was REALLY ANGRY; when Eric Bana was angry it looked like he got hit in the testicles, and when Sam Elliott got angry he looked like a cowboy playing an army general. The story line revolving around Bruce Banner in an abusive home seemed out of place, and Hulk's strength was under-played. The only good thing I can say about this movie was that Hulk actually got bigger the angrier he got, which future incarnations failed to capture.

1) Batman and Robin

I need to put Arnold Schwarzenegger in for some sort of award for "Most puns said in a film career" because somehow that was just something you had come to expect from nineties Arnold. Let me get the geek rage out of my system real quick; Mr. Freeze isn't supposed to be muscular; Batgirl is the daughter of Jim Gordon; and Bane is actually intelligent not just a bruiser. Now that I have said that, George Clooney has acted better, and it seems that his portrayal of Batman is: what if Batman took an Ambien before dawning the cape and cowl. Shameless product placement kills any movie, especially when it is backed up by the line "Never leave the cave without it!" Chris O'Donnell should just not be allowed to act in anything anymore; I think we can all agree that he never needed to think about this career as a viable option. I can't think of anything to save this movie, just don't watch it. This movie could be the next "Rocky Horror Picture Show" with the audience screaming things at the screen in a fit of rage.

Honorable Mention) Steel

The only reason this didn't actually make the list is because I don't feel right criticizing a movie that I can't make it all the way through. This movie has the same effect on me that Nyquil has on a rowdy five year old. I have tried to watch it five times and have fallen asleep every time. Maybe that should tell you everything you need to know about the movie besides its main actor being Shaq. 

Next Time on Dustin's Dirty Dozen: Time to get us prepped for Halloween with the Top 12 Scariest Horror Characters!